06-06-2018, 02:10 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-06-2018, 02:13 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
So I've been wrestling with a major friendship breakup for a while now, and I have come to the conclusion that for all my flaws in the friendship, I was at least always willing to go through the painful process of self improvement and spiritual growth in order to change for the other person.
I have now also realized that this was entirely one sided and that's not fair to me.
In fact, for all my flaws, I at least know what they were, know what I did wrong, know I need to change, feel bad about it, have apologized with absolute sincerity, and done everything I could to make amends. I sent not one, but TWO deeply heartfelt apologies that I was absolutely terrified to write, let alone send. This friend didn't even READ them before having somebody else message me on their behalf and tell me to never contact them again, ever. I deserve SO MUCH better than that. And I'm tired of being the only one who EVER thought it was worth doing the work to make the relationship work and do it without resentment.
And now, I'm FULL OF resentment. Not for the pain and suffering, but the utter one-sidedness of it.
For all I did wrong, I at least went through the work of knowing what it was and working to change all of it.
I forgave this person, but I'm SO PISSED about how unfair it all was, that I've decided I'm rescinding it.
I don't forgive this person. I don't WANT to forgive this person. Not until I receive an apology for every way THEY hurt ME, while on the physical plane. I don't wanna wait until the veil is lifted, and if I have to, I'll just resent them deeper for it, and I refuse to accept purely ethereal apologies. I want my apologies in THIS incarnation or I want karma to spin on this persons ass, because at least I did the work! I know I wasn't fair to them, but AT LEAST I'M WILLING TO SEE IT.
So until either a) I get MY due apologies within this lifetime or b) this person goes through a serious karmic rebalancing AND THEN apologizes in the etheric realm, this person can just fucking blow me. Seriously, I REFUSE to forgive them until one of those 2 things happen.
And I know the typical STO stance on the matter:
"Oh, you need to forgive" "Oh, resentment is like a poison that only hurts you" blah blah blah. I don't give a s***. I'm pissed off, not having it, tired of being the only one who ever cared enough to do the hard internal work, and I deserve better damnit! And I refuse to reconcile until I get what's due to me from this person. AND THEN all is forgiven I don't care if it's STS or whatever damnit I deserve better than the s*** I've been put through and I deserve to have that acknowledged by the other-self in this equation, which they seem dead set against doing.
Problem is, I still wanna be the bigger man here and at least not send them evil-eye. I know evil-eye can be sent unconsciously, and I don't want to do that.
I want this person to live their life the way they want to do it, without any evil eye giving them undeserved problems. They deserve karmic rebalancing or the hard work of spiritual growth that comes from being willing to acknowledge how they wronged me (in the physical plane, no less- because I don't trust them if they only love me enough to be sorry when the veil is lifted and they're in the etheric realm) What they DON'T deserve is some bullshit ass evil-eye being sent their way. I just refuse to forgive them and release them of any karmic experiences they've earned in this lifetime. That doesn't mean I wanna send them evil eye though. That s***'s petty and not good for anybody.
I pray to the archangels and ascended masters to remove any implants, devices, etc. that I may have unconsciously sent them lately or over the years or whatever. And I ask the archangels and ascended masters to protect this person from any evil eye or whatever that I may be unconsciously sending.
Thing is, I'm still tied to this person, and I can't help but be angry at them. Sometimes I find myself thinking I hate them. I know I don't mean that, but I'm so mad that they've always been so one sided about ANY work that needed to be done in the friendship and that even after experiencing a merciless friend-dumping themself, they would turn around and abandon me and lose all faith in me like they did.
I don't wanna be cheered up and told "Don't worry, just work on yourself and reconciliation will happen" I'm tired of hearing that online and I'm TIRED of being the only one to do the inner work! I'ma still keep doing it, but only for ME!
So I can't help but find myself stewing in resentment and throwing shade their way, but I don't want to send them evil eye. I refuse to forgive them until they do their fair share of the inner and outer work for once, but I don't want to be that toxic person who sends them evil entities, energy parasites, nad energies, implants, devices of limitation, etc. I just want to give them what they gave me: a distinct lack of forgiveness, abandonment, rejection and a heavy karmic rebalancing.
...that, or they can just connect the dots, do some goddamn soul-searching and reflect on every way they were ever shitty to ME for once and take some responsibility for it. I don't care which, as long as I don't have to wait until the veil is lifted for them to do that, because there's two versions of us, the version of us we are beyond the veil and the version we are on the physical plane. And it's their physical version I begrudge, it's their physical version I refuse to forgive and it's their physical version I want an apology from or it's their physical self that I demand be on the receiving end for once.
So how do I make sure I'm not sending them evil-eye without forgiving them. Because I am dead set on not forgiving them until I get what's fair to me.
I have made my decision there and will NOT be swayed.
f*** this person's physical incarnation for each and every shitty thing they've put me through without a fair apology, and f*** this person's physical incarnation for each and every minute I have had to deal with it.
I know what I've done wrong. I've been working to correct that s***. I've BEEN THROUGH the growing pains. I've taken a good hard look at what I've done wrong and what was wrong with me. I've dealt with the trauma. I've done the work. I've made the apologies. I've done EVERYTHING I COULD to change and reconcile. While this turd on legs fucking enjoys their cushy, loving, happy fucking life only worrying about college, a couple personality/mood disorders (for which they have a wonderful psychologist I never had) and their stupid special snowflake victim identity they've created for themselves because boo-fucking-hoo whoah is them! THEY had a dark past (which is A LOT like the dark past I had that still doesn't excuse anything I did wrong in the friendship) They have a happy life in a beautiful winter-wonderland type of city, in one of the free-est countries on Earth (let's face it, America aint as free as we like to pretend we are) with their happy marriage and their many friends, surrounded by beauty and having everything handed to them on a silver platter while NOBODY AROUND THEM ever judges them for relying on others and nobody and nothing ever puts any REAL pressure on them to be as self reliant as I have to be just to get out of this fucking hole of a life I have. They don't have the pressure or the s*** I have to deal with, yet they can't be bothered to fucking just admit THEIR responsibility for THEIR half of a relationship breakup. THEY want to hold a grudge and yet I'm the only one who has to forgive.
I'M TIRED OF DOING ALL THE FUCKING WORK.
And please don't tell me how uncompassionate my attitude is or how STS my paradigm I'm looking at this through is, because I'M AWARE AND I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A s***.
I just wanna know how to not send them evil eye. I'm not asking tips on forgiveness. I forgive EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER f***** ME OVER... EXCEPT this person. f*** this person. And their "Whoah is me, I'm such an introverted and uniquely misunderstood person! Why can't people in their life just drop their egos and accept me for me while I lay back and let them do all the fucking work ever, but I swear I don't wanna be a burden on anybody" bullshit.
I'm sorry if I'm venting at you guys, but I've got nowhere to vent to. My friends CANNOT understand what I'm going through right now. Not fully. Not like this. Not within THIS context.
And I'm sorry if this is negative everybody. I know it's common on Bring4th to try and nurture a loving and accepting environment.
But forgiveness shouldn't be done out of obligation. And I refuse to forgive this person until I'm satisfied that they can truly understand what they did. And I DON'T believe that only understanding it when one is in an ethereal state, but fully feeling free to betray me at their own leisure with no repercussions on the physical plane is acceptable.
So can somebody please help me stop from sending this person the evil eye? Because I still resent the s*** out of them and I'm not interested in being understanding OR compassionate anymore, STO obligations be damned.
But I don't wanna vindictively curse them with petty curses or whatever either.
So does anybody have any ideas how to stop that from happening?
I have now also realized that this was entirely one sided and that's not fair to me.
In fact, for all my flaws, I at least know what they were, know what I did wrong, know I need to change, feel bad about it, have apologized with absolute sincerity, and done everything I could to make amends. I sent not one, but TWO deeply heartfelt apologies that I was absolutely terrified to write, let alone send. This friend didn't even READ them before having somebody else message me on their behalf and tell me to never contact them again, ever. I deserve SO MUCH better than that. And I'm tired of being the only one who EVER thought it was worth doing the work to make the relationship work and do it without resentment.
And now, I'm FULL OF resentment. Not for the pain and suffering, but the utter one-sidedness of it.
For all I did wrong, I at least went through the work of knowing what it was and working to change all of it.
I forgave this person, but I'm SO PISSED about how unfair it all was, that I've decided I'm rescinding it.
I don't forgive this person. I don't WANT to forgive this person. Not until I receive an apology for every way THEY hurt ME, while on the physical plane. I don't wanna wait until the veil is lifted, and if I have to, I'll just resent them deeper for it, and I refuse to accept purely ethereal apologies. I want my apologies in THIS incarnation or I want karma to spin on this persons ass, because at least I did the work! I know I wasn't fair to them, but AT LEAST I'M WILLING TO SEE IT.
So until either a) I get MY due apologies within this lifetime or b) this person goes through a serious karmic rebalancing AND THEN apologizes in the etheric realm, this person can just fucking blow me. Seriously, I REFUSE to forgive them until one of those 2 things happen.
And I know the typical STO stance on the matter:
"Oh, you need to forgive" "Oh, resentment is like a poison that only hurts you" blah blah blah. I don't give a s***. I'm pissed off, not having it, tired of being the only one who ever cared enough to do the hard internal work, and I deserve better damnit! And I refuse to reconcile until I get what's due to me from this person. AND THEN all is forgiven I don't care if it's STS or whatever damnit I deserve better than the s*** I've been put through and I deserve to have that acknowledged by the other-self in this equation, which they seem dead set against doing.
Problem is, I still wanna be the bigger man here and at least not send them evil-eye. I know evil-eye can be sent unconsciously, and I don't want to do that.
I want this person to live their life the way they want to do it, without any evil eye giving them undeserved problems. They deserve karmic rebalancing or the hard work of spiritual growth that comes from being willing to acknowledge how they wronged me (in the physical plane, no less- because I don't trust them if they only love me enough to be sorry when the veil is lifted and they're in the etheric realm) What they DON'T deserve is some bullshit ass evil-eye being sent their way. I just refuse to forgive them and release them of any karmic experiences they've earned in this lifetime. That doesn't mean I wanna send them evil eye though. That s***'s petty and not good for anybody.
I pray to the archangels and ascended masters to remove any implants, devices, etc. that I may have unconsciously sent them lately or over the years or whatever. And I ask the archangels and ascended masters to protect this person from any evil eye or whatever that I may be unconsciously sending.
Thing is, I'm still tied to this person, and I can't help but be angry at them. Sometimes I find myself thinking I hate them. I know I don't mean that, but I'm so mad that they've always been so one sided about ANY work that needed to be done in the friendship and that even after experiencing a merciless friend-dumping themself, they would turn around and abandon me and lose all faith in me like they did.
I don't wanna be cheered up and told "Don't worry, just work on yourself and reconciliation will happen" I'm tired of hearing that online and I'm TIRED of being the only one to do the inner work! I'ma still keep doing it, but only for ME!
So I can't help but find myself stewing in resentment and throwing shade their way, but I don't want to send them evil eye. I refuse to forgive them until they do their fair share of the inner and outer work for once, but I don't want to be that toxic person who sends them evil entities, energy parasites, nad energies, implants, devices of limitation, etc. I just want to give them what they gave me: a distinct lack of forgiveness, abandonment, rejection and a heavy karmic rebalancing.
...that, or they can just connect the dots, do some goddamn soul-searching and reflect on every way they were ever shitty to ME for once and take some responsibility for it. I don't care which, as long as I don't have to wait until the veil is lifted for them to do that, because there's two versions of us, the version of us we are beyond the veil and the version we are on the physical plane. And it's their physical version I begrudge, it's their physical version I refuse to forgive and it's their physical version I want an apology from or it's their physical self that I demand be on the receiving end for once.
So how do I make sure I'm not sending them evil-eye without forgiving them. Because I am dead set on not forgiving them until I get what's fair to me.
I have made my decision there and will NOT be swayed.
f*** this person's physical incarnation for each and every shitty thing they've put me through without a fair apology, and f*** this person's physical incarnation for each and every minute I have had to deal with it.
I know what I've done wrong. I've been working to correct that s***. I've BEEN THROUGH the growing pains. I've taken a good hard look at what I've done wrong and what was wrong with me. I've dealt with the trauma. I've done the work. I've made the apologies. I've done EVERYTHING I COULD to change and reconcile. While this turd on legs fucking enjoys their cushy, loving, happy fucking life only worrying about college, a couple personality/mood disorders (for which they have a wonderful psychologist I never had) and their stupid special snowflake victim identity they've created for themselves because boo-fucking-hoo whoah is them! THEY had a dark past (which is A LOT like the dark past I had that still doesn't excuse anything I did wrong in the friendship) They have a happy life in a beautiful winter-wonderland type of city, in one of the free-est countries on Earth (let's face it, America aint as free as we like to pretend we are) with their happy marriage and their many friends, surrounded by beauty and having everything handed to them on a silver platter while NOBODY AROUND THEM ever judges them for relying on others and nobody and nothing ever puts any REAL pressure on them to be as self reliant as I have to be just to get out of this fucking hole of a life I have. They don't have the pressure or the s*** I have to deal with, yet they can't be bothered to fucking just admit THEIR responsibility for THEIR half of a relationship breakup. THEY want to hold a grudge and yet I'm the only one who has to forgive.
I'M TIRED OF DOING ALL THE FUCKING WORK.
And please don't tell me how uncompassionate my attitude is or how STS my paradigm I'm looking at this through is, because I'M AWARE AND I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A s***.
I just wanna know how to not send them evil eye. I'm not asking tips on forgiveness. I forgive EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER f***** ME OVER... EXCEPT this person. f*** this person. And their "Whoah is me, I'm such an introverted and uniquely misunderstood person! Why can't people in their life just drop their egos and accept me for me while I lay back and let them do all the fucking work ever, but I swear I don't wanna be a burden on anybody" bullshit.
I'm sorry if I'm venting at you guys, but I've got nowhere to vent to. My friends CANNOT understand what I'm going through right now. Not fully. Not like this. Not within THIS context.
And I'm sorry if this is negative everybody. I know it's common on Bring4th to try and nurture a loving and accepting environment.
But forgiveness shouldn't be done out of obligation. And I refuse to forgive this person until I'm satisfied that they can truly understand what they did. And I DON'T believe that only understanding it when one is in an ethereal state, but fully feeling free to betray me at their own leisure with no repercussions on the physical plane is acceptable.
So can somebody please help me stop from sending this person the evil eye? Because I still resent the s*** out of them and I'm not interested in being understanding OR compassionate anymore, STO obligations be damned.
But I don't wanna vindictively curse them with petty curses or whatever either.
So does anybody have any ideas how to stop that from happening?