Disintegration of the personality
10-16-2018, 05:19 PM,
#1
Disintegration of the personality
Hi all! Just wanting to get your thoughts on this...
What is the disintegration of the personality? What happens when this occurs, and how does this occur? I have a general idea of what this is and what it means, and even a bit about how this happens (over activation of the mind-complex), but I still feel unclear as to the details and was hoping some of you all on here could help me understand better. Every time this term comes up in a reading or thread or as it did today while listening to one of the archived "In the Now" podcasts, it always resonates with me and leaves me wondering. I have thought about posting this thread or something similar in here for a little while but I never felt it was the right thing to do until now, so here we are.

I also should mention that I fear I may have done this to myself (at least to an extent) over the last couple years. I have feared this because as of late (the past 10-12 months), I have truly not felt like myself. I struggle to even remember what it felt like to be me and to be comfortable with being me as I always was earlier in my life (I am 22 years old). I don't really feel like the same person I used to, and a lot of the time I don't really feel like I know who I am. I have really struggled to relax at all and feel genuinely at ease over the last couple years, but this was not typical of how the first ~18 years of my life went. I feel rather directionless much of the time now (should also mention that I just graduated from college in May, and it is the first time in my life that I have not had school, athletics, and a social world to occupy me... but even during the last couple years of college, I felt pretty directionless, especially during the last semester [spring 2018]). I used to feel like my life was filled with meaning and purpose, and it wasn't until somewhat recently that I realized how little meaning or purpose I felt like my life had.

I used to truly "fear" that I had disintegrated my personality, but I have gradually come to the conclusion of, "so what?" I don't mean this in a way as to insinuate that I have decided to care that this may have happened, but instead it's more like an acceptance of whatever has happened and a choosing to accept and love myself in this state and in all states regardless. It's just like "okay so this happened and i am at this point now, and there is no going back, so I guess I have to glean whatever I can from the past and then simply move forward with loving acceptance and try to calm down and kinda rebuild." I am now searching to re-build a life of meaning and purpose primarily through self-love, acceptance, forgiveness, and compassion, and also by extending those qualities to all of the entities I encounter and all the relationships in my life. This has ultimately been my goal for several years now, but I spent so much time worrying about it and in a panicked, anxiety-ridden state that I could not make any progress, and instead seemed to spiral backwards and lose my understanding/connection of who I am. I am not totally sure what it is that I have been experiencing over the last couple years, and that is at least a part of why I decided to post this.

I am not entirely sure what it is that I am searching for with this thread, perhaps just others' understandings of what happens when one disintegrates their personality or how this might happen to someone so I can compare it to my own experience. I could also detail more about my own experiences if need be, but I didn't really feel like digging much up and didn't really feel like I needed to in order to get my point across. I suppose I am also just hoping for a bit of guidance or advice, or any other thoughts, comments, questions, etc. that anyone feels compelled to share. Thank you all for taking the time to read this and for anything you might have to share-- i very much appreciate it Smile peace love and light
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10-16-2018, 06:14 PM,
#2
RE: Disintegration of the personality
Oh, this one's simple.

When you are working on a very, very deep aspect of self. The adjusting or creation of which (because sometimes we borrow personality traits or behaviors from others that we see in life) causes the entire set of personality traits that relied on that borrowed bit of self to fall away and need to be reformed. This rendering our reality unto dust as we then project the necessary lessons behaviors and experiences onto our life as we reassemble a more true personality shell.

Kind of like if your personality was a house of cards. And you needed to replace one of the very bottom cards because it wasn't yours. The whole house needs to come down to get it out, or a large part of it. Then we simply cycle through the various archetypes or aspects of soul as we re-assemble a more accurate viewing of our soul relative to space/time.
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10-16-2018, 10:44 PM,
#3
RE: Disintegration of the personality
The metaphor certainly helps, thank you.

So somewhere along the line I picked up a personality card that was not supposed to go into my personality house of cards and continued building on top of that card. But then at some point the aspect of personality had to come out, and all the other aspects it was supporting came crashing down with it. Is that the right idea?

And so now at this point, having had many aspects of my personality crumble and my sense of self turned to dust, i essentially have to rebuild my personality shell as I go along?


By saying, "as we then project the necessary lessons behaviors and experiences onto our life," do you just mean the opportunities and experiences that we need to learn our desired lessons will occur?

I also don't know much about archetypes so I don't completely understand the last sentence of your post, but I think I get the gist.
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10-16-2018, 10:45 PM,
#4
RE: Disintegration of the personality
(10-16-2018, 10:44 PM)noahs_ark Wrote:  The metaphor certainly helps, thank you.  

So somewhere along the line I picked up a personality card that was not supposed to go into my personality house of cards and continued building on top of that card. But then at some point the aspect of personality had to come out, and all the other aspects it was supporting came crashing down with it. Is that the right idea?

And so now at this point, having had many aspects of my personality crumble and my sense of self turned to dust, i essentially have to rebuild my personality shell as I go along?


By saying, "as we then project the necessary lessons behaviors and experiences onto our life," do you just mean the opportunities and experiences that we need to learn our desired lessons will occur?

I also don't know much about archetypes so I don't completely understand the last sentence of your post, but I think I get the gist.

And thank you again for replying!
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10-16-2018, 11:34 PM, (This post was last modified: 10-16-2018, 11:35 PM by GentleReckoning.)
#5
RE: Disintegration of the personality
No worries. Basically, that whatever your soul needs to build itself up will be provided. Because your lens of perception can shift in every which way to create the necessary experiences to form whatever is necessary for you.

Your goal through the process is literally to just be yourself as little or as much as you can.
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10-17-2018, 08:43 AM,
#6
RE: Disintegration of the personality
You’re only 22! I don’t think your personality is disintegrating, though. I think that you are growing up and maturing. Much of who we thought we were falls away. 22 was actually around the time that I had a spiritual awakening. I was lost and confused at the time and when I opened my heart just enough to suspend what I thought I knew about myself, life, the spiritual path, a beacon of light ignited and I was able to discern the path in front of me.

What I am trying to say is, you’re at a confusing time for your age. Many people in my generation are barely just coming into their own. (I’m 27.) You are stronger than you realize. You certainly have purpose, that you don’t need to doubt.

If you feel yourself to be a boat cast out on the open sea, the Star (of Hope and Faith) shall light your way.

Anyway, welcome to the forum!
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10-17-2018, 12:02 PM,
#7
RE: Disintegration of the personality
What you describe, n_a, is the classic out-of-phase feeling people get in a society which can no longer initiate its youth into adulthood. In ages past, through military service or religious ritual or something, youth were taught that it was now time to take on different responsibilities. It was time to think, not just of yourself and your family of origin, but to become integrated into the larger society and begin to create your own family.

In a time when the initiation process has broken down, youth are expected to figure this out for themselves, but that's about as logistically tenable as "pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps." Some things require community participation and sanction, but that route is lost to you.

So, look ahead for yourself. Envision for yourself the responsibilities you would assume, the mask you would wear. (Mask = persona = personality.) Best of luck, kid!
May all beings be happy.
May all beings find peace.
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10-18-2018, 02:31 PM,
#8
RE: Disintegration of the personality
Just wanted to thank all of you for taking the time to reply to my post! I appreciate all the wisdom and am feeling a good bit lighter about everything. There is a sense of liberation in just trying to be yourself, open your heart, and envisioning the responsibilities you might want to assume in your life. Thank you again, much love
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Nau7ik
10-18-2018, 04:25 PM,
#9
RE: Disintegration of the personality
Probably the best part of the journey. Realizing that you are finally free in one of the most important ways.
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10-19-2018, 01:20 PM,
#10
RE: Disintegration of the personality
Hey Noah,
welcome to the forum!

What you describe with your words is surely not a desintegration of the personality!
It sounds more like the typical experience in periods of transition.

You could view it like this:
In your childhood, you get orientation from your parents, later from school and so on.
That means, there is always some outer frame you have to adjust to.
Now that this period comes to an end, you have to find a direction of your own, in a way for the first time.
You need to find that within, whereas before you got it from outside.
I guess that is what feels "directionless".

As for the "I dont know who i am":
For a long time, other people (parents, teachers) "defined" what you are, now that definition falls away and you have to come up with your own definition.
Second aspect is, only a very small minority of humans really know who they are.
All the rest is purely identified with a "false personality", usually called "ego".
The Ego is not what we are, although we usually identify with it.
I guess, deep inside there is a feeling that you are more than what you thought so far!

This is actually a very good thing!
The "not knowing who you are" is definetely much closer to what you really are than any concept or ego personality!
Try to get comfortable with not knowing, this is the direction you want to develop anyway Smile

Leaving your written words aside however, i have a feeling there is more to it:

Something along the lines of a threat to your personality or ego i suspect.
Did you make one or more experiences where you felt you desintegrated your personality?
Did you experience something that felt like a serious threat?
Did you have feelings of going insane or the likes?
And, did you by any chance experiment with drugs?

I could maybe help more if I knew the answers to those questions!

All the best for you!
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10-20-2018, 01:53 AM, (This post was last modified: 10-20-2018, 09:17 AM by loostudent.)
#11
RE: Disintegration of the personality
Welcome Noah, fellow seeker!

I think it's normal that personality changes over time. Someone said "I don't have the same head that I used to have 10 years ago." We are learning all the time. There are what we call personality types that are some relatively fixed aspects, but even this flows like a variations on a theme.

The crisis you described doesn't sound to me like disintegration (mental illness). It's more like a springboard for awaking into deeper realization. Initiation of seeking process.
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10-20-2018, 09:15 AM, (This post was last modified: 10-20-2018, 09:19 AM by loostudent.)
#12
RE: Disintegration of the personality
(10-16-2018, 05:19 PM)noahs_ark Wrote:  I am now searching to re-build a life of meaning and purpose primarily through self-love, acceptance, forgiveness, and compassion, and also by extending those qualities to all of the entities I encounter and all the relationships in my life.  This has ultimately been my goal for several years now, but I spent so much time worrying about it and in a panicked, anxiety-ridden state that I could not make any progress, and instead seemed to spiral backwards and lose my understanding/connection of who I am.

The lesson/purpose of life in this world is "learning the ways of love". We can share how we are fulfilling this purpose or learn about saints and sages, yet everyone has to find his own way, see what resonates, what/who inspires ... Ra and different spiritual teachers gave us general information about basic means for growth: service and meditation/prayer/contemplation.
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Grace to you and peace from God our Father.
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