How to heal from these painful memories
04-10-2019, 12:02 PM, (This post was last modified: 04-10-2019, 12:05 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
#1
How to heal from these painful memories
Hey everyone. So I've been having painful memories of hurtful things my ex-friend said to me through her art. And I get this feeling that she'll never be sorry or care about what she said. Even in the afterlife review, I just don't think she'll ever be concerned with how much pain these things have caused me, which makes it all even more painful, and I'm just not sure how to heal from this. If there's a word to describe what I'm feeling as I wake up today, it'd be "anguish"The things she said really hurt, on a deep level, and I don't know how to recover from this, especially since she's so unapologetic about it. Even if we reconciled and became friends again, she wouldn't be able to understand the pain these hurtful pieces have caused me, nor would she likely care, which just makes it THAT much more painful. I don't think meditation walks and healing codes are going to be enough to heal this. This is some VERY hurtful s*** that cuts REALLY deep, especially because it comes from the person whose POV I care about most. And this person couldn't care less about mine. How do I heal this?
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xise
04-10-2019, 12:19 PM,
#2
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
EFT is probably one of the best methods for self healing.
You learn tapping points on your body, and when tapping say something like "whatever happens, I love and accept myself."

I can't remember exactly what you say, or the tap points, but you can search YouTube for EFT tutorials.

It's the Emotional Freedom Technique.
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RitaJC
04-10-2019, 12:27 PM, (This post was last modified: 04-10-2019, 12:30 PM by Minyatur.)
#3
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
I think wanting apologies is somewhat counterproductive to healing, because it denies acceptance. To be honest, apologies are something that always left me feeling awkward, like all is well, I get one can have frustrations or be exhausted and more likely to be impatient or rude, makes me just wish the other person would not feel bad becsuse of me. (when you get to that you are everything is a total literal fashion, not accepting makes less and less sense)

If you struggle with the idea that she won't feel bad or apologize, then focus on accepting she may never will and that it is well and good. Some have a false idea that all that there is to accept is actual events, when really every thought that enters your mind requires to be accepted and generates a state of tension with yourself if not (karma).

That you are vulnerable, easily hurt and hung up on things that have hurt you is no one's responsability but your own. The journey is one of self-discovery and healing is tied to that. There is no forgiveness unless it comes down to you accepting an aspect of yourself and this brings me to these two quotes I think may be helpful to you:

Quote:Ra: I am Ra. The Law of One, though beyond the limitations of name, as you call vibratory sound complexes, may be approximated by stating that all things are one, that there is no polarity, no right or wrong, no disharmony, but only identity. All is one, and that one is love/light, light/love, the Infinite Creator.

One of the primal distortions of the Law of One is that of healing. Healing occurs when a mind/body/spirit complex realizes, deep within itself, the Law of One; that is, that there is no disharmony, no imperfection; that all is complete and whole and perfect. Thus, the intelligent infinity within this mind/body/spirit complex re-forms the illusion of body, mind, or spirit to a form congruent with the Law of One. The healer acts as energizer or catalyst for this completely individual process.

Quote:Ra: I am Ra. You are correct. We will briefly expand upon this understanding in order to clarify.

Forgiveness of other-self is forgiveness of self. An understanding of this insists upon full forgiveness upon the conscious level of self and other-self, for they are one. A full forgiveness is thus impossible without the inclusion of self.

It might be helpful to bring this back to yourself. What you struggle with is forgiving yourself and you think you have to make things right in a way that removes from another their own honor/duty of being resonsible for themselves.

You seem like there are quite a lot of things you have never forgiven yourself for. This is the real work and your friend, sharing one same identity with you, acts as a mirror that may help you with that. Everyone's duty is to forgive themselves, which liberates their inner light and love.

Thought to add. Your friend has never really hurt you, it is your own judgments of yourself that did.

There is no self in the sense of separate individuality, yet there is one prevailing identity.
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04-10-2019, 12:36 PM,
#4
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
I never said I didn't forgive her. But the fact that she'll never understand or care how it made me feel makes it even more painful. Of course I forgive her, but that doesn't take away the pain. How would understanding the pain that her words have caused me "remove their honor/duty of being responsible for themselves"?
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04-10-2019, 01:03 PM, (This post was last modified: 04-10-2019, 01:05 PM by Minyatur.)
#5
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 12:36 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  I never said I didn't forgive her. But the fact that she'll never understand or care how it made me feel makes it even more painful. Of course I forgive her, but that doesn't take away the pain.

To forgive is to release all associated charges within yourself in a manner in which you feel nothing but positive love for the same things.

If you had really fogiven, then it would all be in the past and you would be without pain, and that clearly isn't the case.

(04-10-2019, 12:36 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  How would understanding the pain that her words have caused me "remove their honor/duty of being responsible for themselves"?

Well her responsability is to distill herself. So in this scenario, would be more tied to her own intent in the events than your reaction to them, which would instead be your responsability to distill.

It would be her responsability if she had the need to understand, your need of her to understand goes back to you.

There is no self in the sense of separate individuality, yet there is one prevailing identity.
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RitaJC
04-10-2019, 01:13 PM,
#6
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 01:03 PM)Minyatur Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 12:36 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  I never said I didn't forgive her. But the fact that she'll never understand or care how it made me feel makes it even more painful. Of course I forgive her, but that doesn't take away the pain.

To forgive is to release all associated charges within yourself in a manner in which you feel nothing but positive love for the same things.

If you had really fogiven, then it would all be in the past and you would be without pain, and that clearly isn't the case.

for·give
/fərˈɡiv/
verb
stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

Tell me, where's the anger and the resentment? All I said was that it's PAINFUL. I never said I was holding onto anger or resentment.

I don't resent her, and I'm not angry, but I AM hurt. That doesn't mean I haven't forgiven her.


(04-10-2019, 01:03 PM)Minyatur Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 12:36 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  How would understanding the pain that her words have caused me "remove their honor/duty of being responsible for themselves"?

Well her responsability is to distill herself. So in this scenario, would be more tied to her own intent in the events than your reaction to them, which would instead be your responsability to distill.

And you know what her intent was? Because you know so much about it.

Fact is, she was responding to hurtful/unfair things I said by saying unfair/hurtful things of her own. It seems like her intent WAS to be hurtful. And she succeeded. Thing is, she sees nothing wrong with the hurtful things she said. I'm sorry for the hurtfulness on my end. That's the difference.
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04-10-2019, 01:58 PM, (This post was last modified: 04-10-2019, 02:03 PM by Minyatur.)
#7
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 01:13 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 01:03 PM)Minyatur Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 12:36 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  I never said I didn't forgive her. But the fact that she'll never understand or care how it made me feel makes it even more painful. Of course I forgive her, but that doesn't take away the pain.

To forgive is to release all associated charges within yourself in a manner in which you feel nothing but positive love for the same things.

If you had really fogiven, then it would all be in the past and you would be without pain, and that clearly isn't the case.

for·give
/fərˈɡiv/
verb
stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

Tell me, where's the anger and the resentment? All I said was that it's PAINFUL. I never said I was holding onto anger or resentment.

I don't resent her, and I'm not angry, but I AM hurt. That doesn't mean I haven't forgiven her.

Ressentment and anger derive from pain. If you were free of ressentment and anger, I don't think you would be concerned that she never feels sorry.

If you really forgive someone, then that means that you accept them as they are.

(04-10-2019, 01:13 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 01:03 PM)Minyatur Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 12:36 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  How would understanding the pain that her words have caused me "remove their honor/duty of being responsible for themselves"?

Well her responsability is to distill herself. So in this scenario, would be more tied to her own intent in the events than your reaction to them, which would instead be your responsability to distill.

And you know what her intent was? Because you know so much about it.

Fact is, she was responding to hurtful/unfair things I said by saying unfair/hurtful things of her own. It seems like her intent WAS to be hurtful. And she succeeded. Thing is, she sees nothing wrong with the hurtful things she said. I'm sorry for the hurtfulness on my end. That's the difference.

I meant her responsability is to distill herself and not your's to distill her.

I personally don't expect my other-selves to be perfect (heck, they're the exact same thing I am, so good luck with that) and so instead I seek to find love in people's shortcomings.

Anyway, my tip is that so long you make it about her you will be stuck in pain and probably make yourself unhealthy for her to become friend with anew. We all share the exact same selfhood, so the path toward healing has less to do with the circumstances and more to do with finding alignment with that common core to the self. You are love/light light/love, you are Infinity, you are all the things and ways of being, accept and then you can move to something new.

There is no self in the sense of separate individuality, yet there is one prevailing identity.
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Glow
04-10-2019, 02:13 PM,
#8
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
"Ressentment and anger derive from pain. If you were free of ressentment and anger, I don't think you would be concerned that she never feels sorry.

If you really forgive someone, then that means that you accept them as they are."

Resentment and anger may derive from pain, but that does not necessarily mean one is feeling anger and resentment whenever one feels pain. Accepting someone as they are and not being hurt by hurtful things they've done are two separate things.

And what do you mean by "distill" exactly?

Also, I never said I expected her to be perfect. One does not need to be perfect to recognize the pain one causes others.
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Glow
04-10-2019, 03:24 PM,
#9
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 12:19 PM)IndigoGeminiWolf Wrote:  EFT is probably one of the best methods for self healing.
You learn tapping points on your body, and when tapping say something like "whatever happens, I love and accept myself."

I can't remember exactly what you say, or the tap points, but you can search YouTube for EFT tutorials.

It's the Emotional Freedom Technique.

This is a really good advice.

But you must ask yourself: do I really want to see the Truth through this or do I just want to hear that my pain is justified?
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04-10-2019, 03:30 PM, (This post was last modified: 04-10-2019, 03:31 PM by xise.)
#10
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 12:02 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  This is some VERY hurtful s*** that cuts REALLY deep, especially because it comes from the person whose POV I care about most. 

Hypothetically speaking, if what they said was 110% true, how does it feel? What aspects bother you of it? I think applying acceptance, understanding, and love to a reality where 'hurtful s***' is true can help the healing. (Although truth be told the vast majority of time someone says something shitty it's not always accurate).

If you can share the specifics of the 'hurtful s***' statements, it may assist us in assisting you.

STO is about universal love and therefore includes the self. All is acceptable. All. Every single thing. 
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04-10-2019, 03:31 PM, (This post was last modified: 04-10-2019, 03:34 PM by Minyatur.)
#11
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 02:13 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  "Ressentment and anger derive from pain. If you were free of ressentment and anger, I don't think you would be concerned that she never feels sorry.

If you really forgive someone, then that means that you accept them as they are."

Resentment and anger may derive from pain, but that does not necessarily mean one is feeling anger and resentment whenever one feels pain. Accepting someone as they are and not being hurt by hurtful things they've done are two separate things.

And what do you mean by "distill" exactly?

Also, I never said I expected her to be perfect. One does not need to be perfect to recognize the pain one causes others.

By distill, I meant the process of balancing oneself in realization.

If you take the above Ra quote I posted as signifying what it is to be healed, that is to have realized that everything is whole, complete, perfect, without disharmony and truly one. Then the steps toward healing are to let go of where we cling to see or believe otherwise, of where we separate in our perception or see as imperfect. In doing this you can then align yourself with the truth that all is well, again and again as you move through the cycles of life.

I know no greater healer than the Law of One.

There is no self in the sense of separate individuality, yet there is one prevailing identity.
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04-10-2019, 03:32 PM, (This post was last modified: 04-10-2019, 04:01 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
#12
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 03:24 PM)RitaJC Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 12:19 PM)IndigoGeminiWolf Wrote:  EFT is probably one of the best methods for self healing.
You learn tapping points on your body, and when tapping say something like "whatever happens, I love and accept myself."

I can't remember exactly what you say, or the tap points, but you can search YouTube for EFT tutorials.

It's the Emotional Freedom Technique.

This is a really good advice.

But you must ask yourself: do I really want to see the Truth through this or do I just want to hear that my pain is justified?


I don't need to hear that my pain is "justified". I feel no need to "justify" anything.
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04-10-2019, 04:00 PM, (This post was last modified: 04-10-2019, 04:03 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
#13
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 03:30 PM)xise Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 12:02 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  This is some VERY hurtful s*** that cuts REALLY deep, especially because it comes from the person whose POV I care about most. 

Hypothetically speaking, if what they said was 110% true, how does it feel? What aspects bother you of it? I think applying acceptance, understanding, and love to a reality where 'hurtful s***' is true can help the healing. (Although truth be told the vast majority of time someone says something shitty it's not always accurate).

If you can share the specifics of the 'hurtful s***' statements, it may assist us in assisting you.

One thing she said was that I wasn't worth (metaphorically) saving from drowning because I'd just pull others down with me. The other thing that was really hurtful was when she said I didn't love her when the hard times rolled around, which hurts because it invalidates my feelings. Thanks for your sincere attempt to help, xise.
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04-10-2019, 04:51 PM,
#14
Video  RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 03:32 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 03:24 PM)RitaJC Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 12:19 PM)IndigoGeminiWolf Wrote:  EFT is probably one of the best methods for self healing.
You learn tapping points on your body, and when tapping say something like "whatever happens, I love and accept myself."

I can't remember exactly what you say, or the tap points, but you can search YouTube for EFT tutorials.

It's the Emotional Freedom Technique.

This is a really good advice.

But you must ask yourself: do I really want to see the Truth through this or do I just want to hear that my pain is justified?


I don't need to hear that my pain is "justified". I feel no need to "justify" anything.

OK

Have you tried the “what else is there?” exercise?

Have you tried to use EFT?

This video might shed some light on your problem

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PyXrrbYjugg
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04-10-2019, 05:47 PM,
#15
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
EP,  it seems  that you sincerely love that person and so what she says hurts particularly,  because we always hope that the persons we deeply love see us as loving and worthy. It definitely hurts way more when they say something harsh than of course someone we barely know and have no feeling for.
Perhaps you may see this :  in a  loving relationship, as it starts,  there is usually sincere love for each other. This love once it is there cannot die, what can die is the desire to continue living with someone, as in the circle of ' wish to live with,'  has closed. But if you revisit in time back when your love for each other started, that love is intact, and intact to this day.  At that time, she probably would have never uttered those words.

This is an important thing when to look at a relationship, and I don't now if it will help your hurt, but I hope it does.  Wink
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04-10-2019, 06:01 PM,
#16
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 04:51 PM)RitaJC Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 03:32 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 03:24 PM)RitaJC Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 12:19 PM)IndigoGeminiWolf Wrote:  EFT is probably one of the best methods for self healing.
You learn tapping points on your body, and when tapping say something like "whatever happens, I love and accept myself."

I can't remember exactly what you say, or the tap points, but you can search YouTube for EFT tutorials.

It's the Emotional Freedom Technique.

This is a really good advice.

But you must ask yourself: do I really want to see the Truth through this or do I just want to hear that my pain is justified?


I don't need to hear that my pain is "justified". I feel no need to "justify" anything.

OK

Have you tried the “what else is there?” exercise?

Have you tried to use EFT?

This video might shed some light on your problem

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PyXrrbYjugg

I did the EFT taps. I must've forgotten about the "what else is there" exercise.
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04-10-2019, 06:08 PM,
#17
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
Thanks flo. I don't feel the love from this friend and I'm having a hard time believing the love on her end is still there. Maybe in the form of anger? I dunno. Maybe it was never there. I always questioned if she would even notice if something happened ro me and I were to just straight up die, like would she ever try to figure out what happened? Probably not the healthiest thing to think. If she ever had any love for me as a friend, I wish I could somehow remind her of it.
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04-10-2019, 06:27 PM,
#18
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
If you revisited the very first days you met, do you have any recollection that there were sincere exchanges between you two ? Were you moved by her, was she moved by you ? Try to remember the very beginning as if living through it. Or perhaps you both became moved a little time late ? If you truly cannot recollect any feeling of such, then perhaps this was a catalyst for you to get through, and as has been suggested here, to truly visit your pain and find a way out with peace. But I kind of feel that for her to say something as negative, and for you to feel that pain, there had to have been some deep emotions involved from the relationship on both sides. And not just negative ones, I mean.
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04-10-2019, 06:44 PM,
#19
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
"perhaps this was a catalyst for you to get through, and as has been suggested here, to truly visit your pain and find a way out with peace."

Easier said than done, flo. Believe me, I've been trying. All that happens is that I feel immense pain. I don't find a way out, I just get the impression that there's NO WAY out.

"But I kind of feel that for her to say something as negative, and for you to feel that pain, there had to have been some deep emotions involved from the relationship on both sides. And not just negative ones, I mean."

I wish that were so. I hope that's so. But I sometimes get the feeling that she's moved on easily and feels nothing for me. And that's the worst feeling of all.

If there is any love on her end, she does a great job hiding it.
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04-10-2019, 08:41 PM, (This post was last modified: 04-10-2019, 08:54 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
#20
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
I'm doing the Bentinho Masaro thing and attempting to flood these memories with love, joy, forgiveness and respect. I'll see if that helps.
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RitaJC
04-10-2019, 09:06 PM,
#21
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 04:00 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  One thing she said was that I wasn't worth (metaphorically) saving from drowning because I'd just pull others down with me. The other thing that was really hurtful was when she said I didn't love her when the hard times rolled around, which hurts because it invalidates my feelings. Thanks for your sincere attempt to help, xise.

I break down hurtful comments directed toward me into two sub-groups, in order to process them:
(1) comments that are just inherently incorrect basically they involve spiritual concepts that are just misunderstood/against the nature of the Creator/universe
(2) comments that are not inconsistent with the nature of reality but are usually feared or considered undesirable 

Mind you, I try to speak logically but the actual process involves feeling and honoring all emotions that arise, and not suppressing or judging any emotions/thoughts as bad.

Quote:One thing she said was that I wasn't worth (metaphorically) saving from drowning because I'd just pull others down with me.

On a spiritual level, everyone is inherently worthy, so first this aspect of comment can never be true or correct. That being said, with respect to non-spiritual truth or accuracy, I truly believe it is irrelevant to processing the catalyst of the comment. But we can still try and see if we understand what she was conveying by understanding the comment as one where the message is one where "one is too much time, effort, and trouble to help because they would likely pull the helpers down instead of rising up" or something of that nature.

Don't we all know people who seem to want help, but we feel would take too much time and effort to help? I would say that for most everyday people, perhaps who have not made the choice, there are absolutely situations where people feel they cannot help another because it would likely be ineffective and likely pull themselves down, for whatever reason. Even for people who are somewhat spiritual - we too have our capacities and abilities in able to help, perhaps you feel that a mentally ill person you cannot help by spending a lot of time with them in real life without adverse consequences themselves. This is a conceivable reality and can be the situation. How to understand the situation where the person is hard to help, and would seemingly adverse affect those who try to help - since these sorts of people do or at least conceivable exist - how do we think of them in a loving way, instead of a judgmental way?

There are many ways to love, understand, and accept those people that are hard to help and to also recognize that the helper often does not have the tools or the full willpower to help. Both the helper and helpee are in stages of evolution, and both can grow, but for whatever reason, at this time there is a personality clash, lack of wisdom on either side, and many other reasons, that make helping difficult. In short, both the helper and helpee are human beings who are still learning and evolving. 


Quote:I didn't love her when the hard times rolled around, which hurts because it invalidates my feelings.

Maybe you did, but maybe a part of you resonates with this because you feel like you didn't or that you didn't properly show your love or you were just misunderstood. Go through each one of those scenarios, find the part of you that says "this scenario is not ok: - ie (a) not loving / not acting loving toward someone in a given moment that I truly care about is not ok/cool (b) I didn't show enough my of love to the other person and that is not ok/cool © I loved someone dearly but she doesn't see that and that is not ok/cool. Why is each scenario not ok? Remember, we know from Ra that all is acceptable. With respect to (a), do we not know people, and understand situations which cause people to be temporarily unloving for understandable reasons? With respect to (b) Do we know understand why people occasionally do not show their love ? With respect to ©, do we all not know people whose love is misunderstood or not recognized by the person they love? Can we begin to understand why the loved person may not feel the love?

Without going through each possible instance, try to find similar scenarios in life, movie, theater, social circles, and apply understanding to them. Try to understand the actors and the situation that leads to similar situations that you find yourself in. If you can understand the situation (not always possible), then you can recognize that this situation is a pattern that exists elsewhere in the universe, and thus accepting the pattern in your life is accepting simply the nature of reality, on a certain level. Although not everything is open for understanding in 3D, often people and situations within the illusion, for the most part are imo - its the detailed workings of things outside of the veil that are less understandable.

I will write more as I ponder, as this is much harder to put into words than I anticipated.

STO is about universal love and therefore includes the self. All is acceptable. All. Every single thing. 
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04-10-2019, 09:16 PM, (This post was last modified: 04-10-2019, 09:22 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
#22
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 09:06 PM)xise Wrote:  
Quote:I didn't love her when the hard times rolled around, which hurts because it invalidates my feelings.

Maybe you did, but maybe a part of you resonates with this because you feel like you didn't or that you didn't properly show your love or you were just misunderstood. Go through each one of those scenarios, find the part of you that says "this scenario is not ok: - ie (a) not loving / not acting loving toward someone in a given moment that I truly care about is not ok/cool (b) I didn't show enough my of love to the other person and that is not ok/cool © I loved someone dearly but she doesn't see that and that is not ok/cool. Why is each scenario not ok? Remember, we know from Ra that all is acceptable. With respect to (a), do we not know people, and understand situations which cause people to be temporarily unloving for understandable reasons? With respect to (b) Do we know understand why people occasionally do not show their love ? With respect to ©, do we all not know people whose love is misunderstood or not recognized by the person they love? Can we begin to understand why the loved person may not feel the love?

Without going through each possible instance, try to find similar scenarios in life, movie, theater, social circles, and apply understanding to them. Try to understand the actors and the situation that leads to similar situations that you find yourself in. If you can understand the situation (not always possible), then you can recognize that this situation is a pattern that exists elsewhere in the universe, and thus accepting the pattern in your life is accepting simply the nature of reality, on a certain level. Although not everything is open for understanding in 3D, often people and situations within the illusion, for the most part are imo - its the detailed workings of things outside of the veil that are less understandable.

I will write more as I ponder, as this is much harder to put into words than I anticipated.

I can understand why she feels unloved... and I wish I could do something to change it. I DO love this person. I have always loved this person. I wish they could see that although I did things imperfectly, I sincerely love them. I still hold onto hope really that I can convince them of that somehow some day. That some day, we'll all just work out our differences. But not knowing how to make that into a reality really drives me nuts.
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04-10-2019, 09:32 PM,
#23
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 09:16 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  I can understand why she feels unloved... and I wish I could do something to change it. I DO love this person. I have always loved this person. I wish they could see that although I did things imperfectly, I sincerely love them. I still hold onto hope really that I can convince them of that somehow some day. That some day, we'll all just work out our differences. But not knowing how to make that into a reality really drives me nuts.

Sounds like you're rejecting the current reality and have an expectation about how things play out and/or how others choose to perceive things.

Life is filled with situations where a person we love feels unloved. And some of these situations it is the free will of the unloved person to remain to feel that way. This is not so uncommon. Literature and theater abound with similar situations.

Can you envision a life where this sort of situation happens again, with other people? If it does, at some point you will naturally likely start to see that is not you, but the other, who chooses to exercise their free will in creating such a situation.

STO is about universal love and therefore includes the self. All is acceptable. All. Every single thing. 
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Cainite
04-10-2019, 10:34 PM,
#24
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 09:32 PM)xise Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 09:16 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  I can understand why she feels unloved... and I wish I could do something to change it. I DO love this person. I have always loved this person. I wish they could see that although I did things imperfectly, I sincerely love them. I still hold onto hope really that I can convince them of that somehow some day. That some day, we'll all just work out our differences. But not knowing how to make that into a reality really drives me nuts.

Sounds like you're rejecting the current reality and have an expectation about how things play out and/or how others choose to perceive things.

Life is filled with situations where a person we love feels unloved. And some of these situations it is the free will of the unloved person to remain to feel that way. This is not so uncommon. Literature and theater abound with similar situations.

Can you envision a life where this sort of situation happens again, with other people? If it does, at some point you will naturally likely start to see that is not you, but the other, who chooses to exercise their free will in creating such a situation.

I guess. I still triggered it though. Fact is, whether or not it's because she chose to feel that way, it still breaks my heart that she feels that way.
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04-11-2019, 01:18 AM,
#25
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-10-2019, 10:34 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 09:32 PM)xise Wrote:  
(04-10-2019, 09:16 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  I can understand why she feels unloved... and I wish I could do something to change it. I DO love this person. I have always loved this person. I wish they could see that although I did things imperfectly, I sincerely love them. I still hold onto hope really that I can convince them of that somehow some day. That some day, we'll all just work out our differences. But not knowing how to make that into a reality really drives me nuts.

Sounds like you're rejecting the current reality and have an expectation about how things play out and/or how others choose to perceive things.

Life is filled with situations where a person we love feels unloved. And some of these situations it is the free will of the unloved person to remain to feel that way. This is not so uncommon. Literature and theater abound with similar situations.

Can you envision a life where this sort of situation happens again, with other people? If it does, at some point you will naturally likely start to see that is not you, but the other, who chooses to exercise their free will in creating such a situation.

I guess. I still triggered it though. Fact is, whether or not it's because she chose to feel that way, it still breaks my heart that she feels that way.

Are you choosing to feel hurt?
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04-11-2019, 01:42 AM, (This post was last modified: 04-11-2019, 01:44 AM by Cainite.)
#26
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
My advice for now is maybe not the best thing you'd want to hear..

when I have intense pain, I stay with it. I embrace it and become one with it.. it sucks..

Later when I heal to some extent and forget a little, still the self that's harmed is there with me.. the worst thing that I can do to him is to try to cast him out ... he does need my kindness.

So be kind to the part of the self that's harmed or betrayed and angry. be very kind.
Also through peaceful means, I would show the person or groups that harm/misunderstand me that I don't appreciate what they have done or do... if that part of self is still upset. (this is part of the kindness I'm giving to it for example, by integrating that part, rather than rejecting it)

May you find peace.
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04-11-2019, 04:55 AM,
#27
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-11-2019, 01:18 AM)RitaJC Wrote:  Are you choosing to feel hurt?

Hmm... Maybe I am.
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04-11-2019, 05:00 AM,
#28
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-11-2019, 01:42 AM)Cainite Wrote:  My advice for now is maybe not the best thing you'd want to hear..

when I have intense pain, I stay with it. I embrace it and become one with it.. it sucks..

Later when I heal to some extent and forget a little, still the self that's harmed is there with me.. the worst thing that I can do to him is to try to cast him out ... he does need my kindness.

So be kind to the part of the self that's harmed or betrayed and angry. be very kind.
Also through peaceful means, I would show the person or groups that harm/misunderstand me that I don't appreciate what they have done or do... if that part of self is still upset. (this is part of the kindness I'm giving to it for example, by integrating that part, rather than rejecting it)

May you find peace.

I'll consider what you said next time these feelings come up.
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04-11-2019, 11:47 AM,
#29
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
Two different people I know, one a talented "intuitive" counselor, and the other the author of "Unlocking the Keys to Your Inner Power," both suggest "cutting ties." By that I mean to visualize yourself and the person in question, notice threads or strings that run between you, and cut them in your mind's eye. Keep doing this until you no longer feel the emotional attachment.

My advice beyond the cutting of the ties is to focus on self. There is no "taking pain away." But you have the ability to put it into perspective. Grieve the loss. But don't don't waste time trying to figure out "why," or how to get another person to understand. The other person will figure out their own stuff in their own time. Your responsibility is you.

Feel the loss, but focus on your life. It's not easy, but do it anyway. Ten years from now, looking back, how will you feel about the way you handled things?

(04-10-2019, 12:27 PM)Minyatur Wrote:  It might be helpful to bring this back to yourself. What you struggle with is forgiving yourself and you think you have to make things right in a way that removes from another their own honor/duty of being resonsible for themselves.

You seem like there are quite a lot of things you have never forgiven yourself for. This is the real work and your friend, sharing one same identity with you, acts as a mirror that may help you with that. Everyone's duty is to forgive themselves, which liberates their inner light and love.

Thought to add. Your friend has never really hurt you, it is your own judgments of yourself that did.

This is at the heart of it. Consider that this other person is flawed as we all are. This other person may have all sorts of insecurities, wounds, damage, and unconscious triggers and defenses. In order for her to understand you she would have to work through all of her own crap first, because she doesn't even understand herself and she is looking at the world through her flawed paradigm. We must all work on ourselves; there is no fixing another. So the point is, I am in agreement with Minyatur: forgiving self is the key. It's not easy, but the first thing to do is stop looking outside of self for answers.

This is not to say that what others do can't hurt you. But when this happens, look within. As soon as you change focus to self, the pain will lesson a little. 
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04-11-2019, 03:31 PM, (This post was last modified: 04-11-2019, 03:32 PM by Cainite.)
#30
RE: How to heal from these painful memories
(04-11-2019, 05:00 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote:  
(04-11-2019, 01:42 AM)Cainite Wrote:  My advice for now is maybe not the best thing you'd want to hear..

when I have intense pain, I stay with it. I embrace it and become one with it.. it sucks..

Later when I heal to some extent and forget a little, still the self that's harmed is there with me.. the worst thing that I can do to him is to try to cast him out ... he does need my kindness.

So be kind to the part of the self that's harmed or betrayed and angry. be very kind.
Also through peaceful means, I would show the person or groups that harm/misunderstand me that I don't appreciate what they have done or do... if that part of self is still upset. (this is part of the kindness I'm giving to it for example, by integrating that part, rather than rejecting it)

May you find peace.

I'll consider what you said next time these feelings come up.


I was watching this now and I got reminded of you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USC5MJVZLy8

This monk is very easy going.. I would watch his talks and find some solace. the energy was so contrasting to that of my own.. it was like pouring water on fire.
maybe some of his talks can help you.
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