Depression and Accepting or Resisting Futility

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So I was watching this video and it resonated HARD:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGorABGw418

I've been fighting so much futility in my life: Romantic futility, social futility, familial futility. So much futility. And I've been holding out hope against all hope that I can change my situations for the better.

Some things I've given up on and accepted the futility of, like the fact that I'll never have a REAL relationship with my mother. Some things, I struggle to accept, like the fact that I will never reconcile with my ex-friend. I've been hoping against all hope that some way, somehow I could change things with that friend for some time now.

Some things just FEEL futile, like getting my social and romantic needs met. I feel so much futility in my life, and I have never been one to accept defeat. Except with my mom ever changing. I gave up on that a long time ago.

I dunno what to do. Even after all the tips she gave, I still feel like there's not much I can do to create the life I want. And what's sad is suicide is futile too. I honestly believe if I commit suicide, I'll just have to reincarnate and my life will be programmed to deal with the same issues, without the benefit of any of the knowledge or tools I've acquired in this lifetime.I feel so stuck. And I don't know how to get out.