My introduction to the forum and my story
06-16-2019, 08:10 PM,
#1
My introduction to the forum and my story
Hello everyone.

I've been a lurker around here for a little bit, and I've finally decided to register in the hopes of establishing some connections with likeminded people. As my introduction, I thought I'd share my own story:

To start at the beginning with my early experiences with religion, I first went to a Christian school, but there was something in me (something that I still can't quite put my finger on) which made me completely oblivious to what I was tried to be taught. I don't recall consciously being aware of the inconsistencies or analyzing them in any way, but it was as if a more intuitive part of myself just couldn't buy those difficult to reconcile messages of (not so) unconditional love on one hand, and fire and brimstone on the other. When I actually started applying the intellectual mind, very quickly I started calling myself an atheist. The inconsistencies of Christianity led my mind to believe that Christianity as a whole was wrong, and thus the "rational" (which, of course, wasn't really rational at all) conclusion that all religions must be wrong quickly followed.

Nonetheless, since the very beginning I had an extremely deep and I would say unusual fixation with love. I saw love as the entire reason for existence; of this I was so sure since such a young age. And since a romantic relationship seemed the context in which to find the deepest kind of love known, that's exactly what I became most fixated with. The idea of getting emotionally close to someone, understanding them at a deep level, being understood, accepting the entirety of someone and being fully accepted, sharing life's gifts and hardships... Finding this kind of kinship and love was my main motivation in life. As fate would have it, I never managed to find anything remotely close to this. Not only was it a problem with finding love with the opposite sex, but (and despite of actually having had some good friendships during childhood), the general pattern of my life is one of very high isolation, with lots of trouble forming even friendships.

If love was my main motivation in life, looking for the truth was my second one. Alas, my atheistic beliefs, my scientific mindset and my desire to seek this so-called objective truth made me arrive to the conclusion that reality is a chaotic and meaningless place where nothing matters except who is strong or powerful enough to pass on their genes. In this context, I believed that love could be nothing else than a mechanism caused by natural selection to motivate us humans to reproduce (or for group cohesion purposes in the case of other forms of love). I saw it as empty and devoid of meaning; a complete fat joke. But I still wanted it. I knew I couldn't but want it.

Bitterness of varying degrees popped up at different times and in different ways in my life. In my teens, fantasies and feelings of elitism and superiority weren't uncommon, mostly to make up for the lack of a good self-esteem. Later on, my bitterness was mostly directed at nature herself. In my belief that survival of the fittest was all that mattered, I was angry at a world that seemed so meaningless, and at the tragedy that such a world could birth life so complex that it actually needed what wasn't and could never be there: meaning.

It's the year 2012. A perhaps not so random comment at a not so random forum. The Near Death Experience phenomenon was mentioned, just in passing, but it was enough to catch my interest. And while (in my arrogance and innocence) my initial intention was only to check for myself that there was nothing to it, little did I know what path this tiny and seemingly insignificant event would put me on.

"This sounds very nice and wonderful, but still, how could I believe that this experience by this one single person is real?". Then I kept reading more and more stories. The coincidences kept piling up. More and more. Too many to count. The Oneness of all, reincarnation... Then I stumbled upon the notion of forgiveness being given and received unconditionally; that if we ask for it, it is simply given to us. That hit something for me. I was like "WHAT?! You're telling me that unconditional and truly divine love is really a thing?!". Coming from the ideas of a finicky love being given to you by a narcissistic God only if you love Him first, I was mind blown. It felt real. The idea that such a thing could be real felt like it filled a void within me.

My second "WHAT?!" moment came from an NDEr who asked his spirit guide to show him life on other planets. And out of the blue, he teleported his ass to an advanced civilization where they could talk and interact with the beings there. I was Mind. Blown. The notion that such a thing could be true made me ecstatic. As I kept reading the story, I kept saying out loud in complete and utter enthusiasm: "No way. NO way. No FREAKING way!". I had always been fascinated by the universe and the variety it could hold. I had always believed that intelligent life must exist out there. But I always thought that if humanity would ever get to explore outer space, I'd never get to see it. But all of this... Thought travel. Higher civilizations. The idea of infinite experiences in an infinite playground. Whoa. I was starting to be convinced, and these things truly made my inner child come out in complete and sheer enthusiasm.

I kept reading through many NDEs, and as coincidences grew into a mountain, I went from atheist to agnostic, leaning towards believer. I stopped being afraid of death, and instead I felt enthusiastic about the idea of crossing its gates. Unfortunately, that still didn't really solve for me the problem of what to do in this life, how to find love while I was here, incarnated on Earth. I had read about the importance of unconditional love from all those NDEs, of course, but I didn't really have any idea of what to do with it, especially when my life was one of very strong isolation, an isolation seemingly intent on staying, no matter what I did. Some particularly bad experience that year seemed to further confirm that to me. I felt I could do nothing in life but wait until it was my time.

Fast forward to 2018. Another one of those perhaps not-so-random occurrences; this time, a video recommendation on Youtube. It was Nacho Vidal talking about his experience smoking DMT (no idea why that would pop up on my feed, lol). As I heard him, I couldn't but think: "this sounds suspiciously like the NDE stories...".  I needed to dig in more. This started a snowball effect. The DMT experiences, then the experiences of people meditating... And it was the latter, and the notion that I could actually potentially experience an NDE-like experience before death what truly gave me the motivation to do something, here and now. I started reading about consciousness, stillness, being in the here and now. I implemented pretty much immediately a very strong meditation habit, 3 or 4 hours a day, a habit that I've maintained for the past year.

My first encounter with channeled material happened shortly afterwards. The notion of talking to aliens right here from Earth was exhilarating. I stumbled upon many messages that I found very valuable and inspirational. And then came THE channeled material. At first I was reluctant to read it. I thought I had read enough channeled messages and I had had enough. But I kept hearing so much about it. "The Law of One this", "The Law of One that".

"Fine, I'll take a freaking look", I said, giving in to the universe's seeming insistence on me reading the material. At first I just browsed some sessions at random. My interest kept growing and growing. It all was so interesting, not only the concepts explained, but how logically and coherently Ra was putting together ALL of the experiences I had read about; NDEs, DMT, meditation experiences... Everything, absolutely everything seemed to be explained! This is something that, to this day, still leaves me speechless at times. Even after having read so many NDEs, I would still randomly hear a new one and come across a bit of information that would be perfectly in line with what Ra says.

I've come to grow a lot of affection in my mind for Don, Carla, Jim and Ra. I can't thank them enough for the work they've done. Not only have they basically convinced my mind to allow my heart to have faith, but the information presented in the book has helped me realize that I can do something in the here and now; that I can have an effect, a positive one, even if I don't find the kind of love I had been searching for before. The Q'uo channelings have helped in that regard a lot, too. In particular, one portion on how to believe in love is not to give love when love is given to you, but giving love even when it is not given to you. I'll post the quote below, which admittedly made me shed some tears when first reading it, and it helped me make the strong commitment of believing in love and acting in accordance to love no matter what is given to me.

Overall, I look at my incarnational pattern, and I see a meaning behind it. I could not have gotten here if things had gone how I wanted them to go. If I had found a person to be in a happy relationship with, I believe I would have grown complacent, without knowing how to satiate a spiritual thirst that I am sure I would have still felt. How interesting it is, in retrospect, that both the truth and the love that motivated me so much would be found in the same place. Truly a wonderful thing.

I'm still doubtful about many things in my life. I don't speak lightly when I say that my incarnational pattern is truly one of very high isolation. And the universe seems intent for some reason on keeping it that way. Even when I find someone who is initially enthusiastic about me, they end up ghosting on me sooner rather than later (it doesn't even get to me anymore, I accept it and wish them well in my mind). Just a few weeks back, I saw myself under the necessity to break off one of the few (online) friendships I have. This friend of mine was the person I kept most contact with, and he and I had grown highly incompatible, he wasn't respectful of my new beliefs, and he kept growing increasingly venomous, angry and narcissistic (we already had been having trouble for many years, only this time even worse). Meditation is what I spend most of my time with. A part of me believes that my incarnational plan was to put me under heavy isolation in order to (after choosing STO) get very seriously into meditation and to get some results from it. Basically, the path of the adept. I get doubts about this when I think how little I am exposing myself to catalyst, and how little chances I have of showing love and compassion to actual people, but if that is what I need, then I truly don't know what to make of my incarnational pattern.

Thank you so much for reading. Smile Any opinions on what my incarnational lessons might be, based on what I've written, would be very appreciated. Also, as a child, I remember having the idea that people could read into my thoughts. I used to think that that was just paranoia product of insecurity and high self-consciousness, but obviously after knowing what we know about telepathy in the higher densities, I see it could mean a very different thing. Have any of you experienced any similar belief as children?

The Q'uote I mentioned:

Quote:So, to serve in love is to first and foremost, love. And to love is to enter into a world of relations in which you are also asking for something in return: you are asking to be loved. You are asking to be loved even knowing that this may fail to come to pass. You are opening yourself up to the vulnerability that you experience in the failure of love, and as one who is committed to the polarity of serving others rather than the self, you are committed to the primary importance to be attached to the love which you bring forth on offer to the world. And that means that you are prepared to leave vacant, and wanting, and wounded, that portion of yourself that cannot help but want to be loved. You are willing to allow that portion of yourself that wants to be loved to be shown no love at all. That is the sacrifice you made in agreeing to incarnate in third density. You have agreed that the want of love that you almost certainly will experience in your efforts to serve will be your destiny, and that that would be taken deeply into your being where you may find that, despite all expectations to the contrary, despite all evidence to the contrary, that you do have bubbling up from a deep place within resources precisely able to heal the wound of the unlove which you have taken in.

The more that you can take in to be healed, the more service you will be performing to this planet. And if we want to look at this circumstance from the standpoint of an engagement with the world, we could say that you do not have to be absented from that engagement altogether to have this process being working within you. If, for example, you find yourself in interaction with other selves that have found you to be inadequate or of an unsavory nature, and in responding to this judgment held very often aggressively against you, you mirror back acceptance, love. That, my friends, is the great breaker of the karmic cycle of action and reaction, and reaction, and reaction. That is the gift you may put on offer.
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flofrog, Glow, Highrculling, hounsic, Infinite Unity, Nau7ik, Relax, sunnysideup, the
06-16-2019, 09:10 PM,
#2
RE: My introduction to the forum and my story
Thanks for sharing your story, and welcome.
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06-17-2019, 09:57 AM, (This post was last modified: 06-17-2019, 09:57 AM by Nau7ik.)
#3
RE: My introduction to the forum and my story
Welcome, friend! Glad to have you here with us. I enjoyed reading your story. There are many similarities between us! That’s interesting, how many wanderers have similar life experiences. I am also pretty isolated. I very much desire a romantic relationship but the universe seems to have other plans for me...

I think it’s wise of you to realize that you wouldn’t be where you are now without all that had happened before. If things went the way we wanted (and do we really know what we TRULY need as catalyst for our spiritual development?), we would be at a different place. We wouldn’t be who we are now. I am so grateful. Who could’ve known that those experiences were exactly what was needed to awaken us to higher reality?

It’s amazing. Feel free to join in and talk in any of the discussions here! New perspectives are always welcome and appreciated.
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06-17-2019, 12:23 PM,
#4
RE: My introduction to the forum and my story
Thank you both!

I agree, Nau7ik, just simply being able to enjoy the gift of faith is a wonderful thing. I aspire to experience a more proper kind of spiritual awakening, of course, but even if I never get there, simply being able to live the rest of my days with faith is truly something invaluable.

The veil is the veil, though, and doubt always creeps back in at times. In that sense, regarding our shared situation of isolation, I know Q'uo says that it's a very 3rd density outlook to gauge our service in terms of what we do outwardly, but sometimes I still can't help but feel that I could do more in another life situation. Sounds like you experience similar doubts at times, right?
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Nau7ik
06-18-2019, 12:45 AM,
#5
RE: My introduction to the forum and my story
Welcome here Ray, a lovely story even if really difficult at first. This is a pretty cool place, you will love it I think. Much love Wink
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06-18-2019, 01:26 AM,
#6
RE: My introduction to the forum and my story
(06-18-2019, 12:45 AM)flofrog Wrote:  Welcome here Ray, a lovely story even if really difficult at first. This is a pretty cool place, you will love it I think. Much love Wink

Thank you!
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06-18-2019, 08:36 AM,
#7
RE: My introduction to the forum and my story
(06-17-2019, 12:23 PM)Ray711 Wrote:  Thank you both!

I agree, Nau7ik, just simply being able to enjoy the gift of faith is a wonderful thing. I aspire to experience a more proper kind of spiritual awakening, of course, but even if I never get there, simply being able to live the rest of my days with faith is truly something invaluable.

The veil is the veil, though, and doubt always creeps back in at times. In that sense, regarding our shared situation of isolation, I know Q'uo says that it's a very 3rd density outlook to gauge our service in terms of what we do outwardly, but sometimes I still can't help but feel that I could do more in another life situation. Sounds like you experience similar doubts at times, right?

I understand that. I wonder what is the purpose of my present circumstances? I feel like I could do so much more if I were in a different place with different people. But it’s also said that we are exactly where we need to be. We have free will so we can change things. I find it difficult to changes some things. Maybe that’s why these are my life circumstances, so that I can learn to change them and grow from the experience.

Things are easier to deal with when we have others to talk to or share with. Friends upon the path is very valuable. I’d love to have a romantic partner but I have not had any luck in that department in this life... and it’s not because I don’t want it. I have a difficult aspect in my astrological natal chart for relationships... the Moon and Mars together in the 8th house of Libra. It’s a good placement for occult seeking, not so much for relationships.

I just realized something. I don’t know if you’re interested in astrology or not but in the Vedic system of India, there is the D9 Navamsha chart. It’s the “promise of the birth chart”. It shows the hoped-for transformation of the of the incarnation. We went into incarnation and our birth chart was set up with its placements. The D9 chart shows how those placements are transformed. It can help us to understand why we chose some of our life circumstances and what the hoped for gain of such a placement will be.
The exact time of birth is critical for this chart.
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06-18-2019, 07:38 PM,
#8
RE: My introduction to the forum and my story
(06-18-2019, 08:36 AM)Nau7ik Wrote:  
(06-17-2019, 12:23 PM)Ray711 Wrote:  Thank you both!

I agree, Nau7ik, just simply being able to enjoy the gift of faith is a wonderful thing. I aspire to experience a more proper kind of spiritual awakening, of course, but even if I never get there, simply being able to live the rest of my days with faith is truly something invaluable.

The veil is the veil, though, and doubt always creeps back in at times. In that sense, regarding our shared situation of isolation, I know Q'uo says that it's a very 3rd density outlook to gauge our service in terms of what we do outwardly, but sometimes I still can't help but feel that I could do more in another life situation. Sounds like you experience similar doubts at times, right?

I understand that. I wonder what is the purpose of my present circumstances? I feel like I could do so much more if I were in a different place with different people. But it’s also said that we are exactly where we need to be. We have free will so we can change things. I find it difficult to changes some things. Maybe that’s why these are my life circumstances, so that I can learn to change them and grow from the experience.

Things are easier to deal with when we have others to talk to or share with. Friends upon the path is very valuable. I’d love to have a romantic partner but I have not had any luck in that department in this life... and it’s not because I don’t want it. I have a difficult aspect in my astrological natal chart for relationships... the Moon and Mars together in the 8th house of Libra. It’s a good placement for occult seeking, not so much for relationships.

I just realized something. I don’t know if you’re interested in astrology or not but in the Vedic system of India, there is the D9 Navamsha chart. It’s the “promise of the birth chart”. It shows the hoped-for transformation of the of the incarnation. We went into incarnation and our birth chart was set up with its placements. The D9 chart shows how those placements are transformed. It can help us to understand why we chose some of our life circumstances and what the hoped for gain of such a placement will be.
The exact time of birth is critical for this chart.
Very interesting. Have you done this chart?
Is your moon conjunct to your Mars? Is there a hard aspect regarding that house? What's in your 5th house? If I may ask.
I  don't know anything
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06-19-2019, 08:22 AM, (This post was last modified: 06-19-2019, 08:23 AM by Nau7ik.)
#9
RE: My introduction to the forum and my story
Quote:Very interesting. Have you done this chart?
Is your moon conjunct to your Mars? Is there a hard aspect regarding that house? What's in your 5th house? If I may ask.

I will message you! Smile
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06-19-2019, 10:23 AM,
#10
RE: My introduction to the forum and my story
(06-19-2019, 08:22 AM)Nau7ik Wrote:  
Quote:Very interesting. Have you done this chart?
Is your moon conjunct to your Mars? Is there a hard aspect regarding that house? What's in your 5th house? If I may ask.

I will message you!  Smile

Great idea and most kind.
I  don't know anything
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