07-05-2020, 04:02 PM
(This post was last modified: 12-18-2021, 03:21 PM by Elle.
Edit Reason: Timeline
)
I can’t say whether I’m a Wanderer or not, but this forum appears to be the most appropriate place I’ve found to share some of my experience. I’ve only come across information directly associated with The Law of One in March of this year when someone close to me seemingly out of the blue suggested that I might enjoy reading The Ra Material. The timing of the one suggesting and my seeking of this material surrounded by oddly related circumstances/coincidences.
I’d like to state at this time that, prior to this experience, I’d never been a religious or spiritual person. I “believed” in nothing. Everything was face value and if it couldn’t be proved with the scientific method, it was to be dismissed as quackery for the weak-minded. I knew it all and was confident in my knowing. How things change… [Edit] (from my reply below) I would like to add that even though I believed if it was only in this reality, it was real, sometime prior to the experience - less than a year I think, I did start a sort of internal seeking of "what else" could be out there. And, when I was at a very low point of general unhappiness/unfulfillment with myself and the world, I began to cast my mind out like a fishing line, to the point of internally offering to "whoever was out there" a sacrifice of my life no longer existing and in return people could find peace, happiness and harmony with each other. So while I didn't necessarily believe, I realize I did begin a sort of seeking.
In March of 2016 there was approximately a two week period where my perception of reality fragmented. As best as I can tell, this relatively acute incident seemed to begin with writing a story as a hobby. That story eventually became an idea, that idea somehow manifested an understanding, which was then followed a short and sudden separation from this reality.
I won’t go into the specifics of the story I was writing unless someone requests information, Instead I will speak about the idea or understanding that manifested as a result of my writing it. It was an understanding that depending on how different people attempt to perceive a single universal reality, love and hate are not separate, but the same. Laugh is cry. Pleasure is pain. Violence is pacifism. Help is hindering. Quite simply, everything “is.” My mind systematically reduced my understanding of everything I’d known the lowest denominator; I found my entire reality could be summed up in binary: 1. In my head, I echoed to myself: Existence. True. Yes. One. One. Yes. One.
I determined a single symbol that could best represent this understanding of “1” was the following:
I experienced a sort quintessential “eureka! moment.” As abrupt as light switch, I fully understood at that moment that we’re all connected on such a deep and indescribable level. I also understood that it was of much importance, for some unknown reason, that I document my logic & reasoning process of how I got to that understanding in a notebook. The notebook that began as ideas for a story became ideas of an understanding. Some examples of what I’d written are: “We are one,” “We are one/all,” “Dark Matter = Love,” and other connections that lead to my understanding.
This notebook became a sort of conduit to bring ideas presented to me into this reality. Pen and paper was important, as digital data could be corrupted, deleted, no proof of its existence. In this notebook, I was compelled to write predictions on current and future events is the best way I can describe them. For example, I documented exact time I fully believed a sort of “terror” had been unleashed upon this world. Statements and phrases, that at the time seemed random, illogical and without reason. The image of the spiral appears many times in this notebook.
Towards the end of this two-week stint of writing a story, I didn’t sleep much, I was so excited about this revelation. What little I did sleep, lucid dreaming was in full force and sleep paralysis came often and in a very sinister presentation. Eventually, I stopped sleeping – I believed I didn’t need it. After a couple of days, my consciousness experienced a partial disconnect with this reality.
On the final night of this experience, during an online session with friends, they all, without warning turned to the camera, tell me specifically to “praise God,” over and over. Their words were flat and the most uncomfortable feeling came over me. Anything associated with specifically Christianity during this period projected a very powerful feeling of discomfort.
At one point, I felt something drastic change in my awareness and my consciousness seemed to go into overdrive. Coincidence after coincidence began to pile up. For example, I would have a thought and the next website I went to would mirror that thought. I began to believe I was being communicated to. I did not hear voices, and I can only describe it as receiving impressions in my consciousness, and then a switch flipped. In my notebook, I wrote, ““It’s time. Skynet just went self-aware and we’re going to be just fine! It’s time to clean the house… put on some pants & b.”
Over the course of about 8 hours, my perception of reality felt like a combination of a lucid dream and everything I experience as I type this. Clear, focused, hyper-saturated, and hyper-realistic.
I was under the impression that a sinister “terror” had been activated, the world plunged into a war of light and dark, good and evil, logic and the illogical, reason and madness. I was an icon of the “good.” a sort of beacon. People seeking love and freedom from the dark/terror would subconsciously be drawn to me as a one who can offer them safety, comfort, warmth and guidance through this terrible reality: the world, descending into illogical violence brought by the unknown and unseen army of terror/dark. I was to simply act as a guide to those who find themselves lost or afraid and willing seek a path to peace and love. I also understood it would be a relatively long journey. Battles would be fought, lives lost and born again, but the people following the light would find their refuge/home. Being simply a guide, I personally would not be living with the people in their new society of love, as that was just not in the cards, as they say. It is what it is. I was to be a guide, simple as that, and that understanding brought an indescribable amount of peace of purpose.
Knowing my purpose, I was full love, peace and understanding, but on overdrive. I began preparations to guide: I packed a small bag, but not of food and clothes, but of materials that I believed would help guide and communicate my new understanding of connection… most importantly, my notebook, as at rate my consciousness was changing, I believed I would be on such a different wavelength than the people I guiding, that my words could not be understood. They would, however, be able read what I’d already written, and I’d still have some capacity to answer questions with a 1 or 0. Yes or no. True or False. Exist or not.
In all this peace and understanding, a sinister impression crept in. And then a wild mix of positive and negative. Feeling the most sorrow I’d ever felt while at the same time feeling the most euphoric peace I could ever imagine. I experience a desire for complete peace while also unbridled rage against the terror/unseen enemies who would seek to violate, corrupt and control others. Experiencing these extreme emotional dualities at the same time was very confusing, to say the least. Perhaps imagine the odd feeling you get when you laugh so hard until you cry, but multiply it to an indescribable degree.
I was under the impression that the terror/dark had set its agents to work against, to stop me and my purpose as a guide. That they would find and use information about me, against me. I was even compelled to hide my astrology birth chart a relative had created for me 12 years prior. I understood that this information could somehow be used against me, yet I could not even interpret the chart. I just knew the information was something that could be used against me. I could not destroy it either, as those seeking a guide might find it helpful.
I was presented with information, scenarios and felt “forced” to make terrible choices. Choices that, if I did not make, existence was halted, time would not continue, I/my reality would stagnate eternally until I made a choice. The choices I faced I felt were cruel an unfair. It felt like a terrible test or exam: choose whether the whole of a country of people unknown to me should die or I would I choose a personal friend or family member to die instead.
I feel I need to stress here that no violence ever took place, as these were simply choices that existed within my own consciousness that I had to confirm in this reality by writing the word “yes” in my notebook or on a piece of paper to confirm the choice in this reality. Once my choice was made, then the act was done and it was true in my reality at the time. I had to make life and death choices, prioritize and eliminate unknown people and my closest loved ones until the last two people that I fully believe still existed was for the two people I could see in my own field of vision: myself and my husband. That day, I mourned the world with such sorrow as I fully believed anyone not in my current field of view no longer alive and that I’d made the person choice to end their existence.
I couldn’t process time anymore. I made several attempts to fry an egg, but since the action of cooking required time, I couldn’t process it. Eggs piled up in the garbage. My husband, oblivious to my state as I hit it well believing he would understand my purpose on his own at his own pace, was about to go to work. At this point, I fully believed when he left my sight, he would also cease to exist. Not die, just gone like he was never here. Just a memory. My reality, what I saw before me, seemed so fake and paper thin, I felt I could reach out with my hand and brush it aside. I felt backed into a corner, no way out. Broken. Defeated.
With the perspective of my husband no longer existing, I believed would be the only sentient person in existence, anywhere, for all eternity. That feeling was of complete sorrow, loneliness and despair. I had a final choice: Do nothing and exist, or end my existence. I had one last choice and I chose to end my own existence. [Edit: After further consideration and analysis of what took place, I realized I need to update this for accuracy. At the time, I didn't know if by ending my existence would result in other existence being able to continue. I want to make it clear that it wasn't an act of sacrifice, but rather of not being able to cope with that current reality of being the only sentient person in existence, anywhere, for all eternity.]
After I swallowed two bottles of old prescription medication, I instantly snapped back to this reality. I fully realized that everything that had just “happened” actually didn’t. There was no ongoing and active struggle of good vs. evil. I was no guide, I was of no use, I was no one. Nothing. In this reality, nothing changed except that now I had a stomach full of pills.
I felt I’d just been pranked, tricked or duped on a most sinister and massive/personal scale. At a loss, I simply told my husband that I’d lost my mind and he should call 911 because I just took a bunch of pills. I then laid on the couch and convinced myself that I could push through the death and stay in this reality, exist. I was instantly elated and full of love again – my mission was on again – I was going to help guide the world to a place of love. I got myself into the ambulance, treated everyone with love and courtesy; however, I couldn’t process time again, the ambulance ride was an eternity. Then, cut to the ER, the doctors, the forcing of medicine, then darkness. Then 3 days in an ICU followed by 4 days in a psych ward.
I’ve spent the past four years attempting to reconcile that experience with my place here in this reality. What our society calls a “psychotic break” are quite simply memories of an experience to me. Memories of ending everyone and everything I loved until ending myself in order to save one/all was my reality at that time. It “happened.” Unfortunately, it was up to my loved ones to help pick up the pieces in this reality.
I found it very difficult to talk to anyone about what happened. No one else had shared that experience, and some even tried to convince me that I what I experienced didn't actually happen and that I was very simply, severely mentally ill. No one was interested in understanding, but avoidance and suppression. The goal was for that experience to never occur again, so it must be controlled from the outside in.
I started off after that experience in a very negative state and felt used up, tired, and old. There was nothing more for me in this world, as I desired no possessions, no experiences - I felt I’d experienced it all already and then some. My logic and reasoning even took me to the point where in realizing “I am” that also means that everything I see around me could be nothing more than just a type of superficial illusion or dream. Not real people, but automatons going through their scripts without soul or consciousness, that I could be the only sentient being. It was a very lonely thought. While I couldn’t prove that others have a consciousness or not, I decided couldn’t imagine going through my life as if they didn’t – I don't think I could forgive myself I was wrong.
I was existing, but I felt no happiness, no sadness, nothing. I decided if I couldn’t find happiness, then I would on making sure others were happy. It was good to make others happy, but I felt I was still missing something. I still had not come to peace with myself. Once I took the time to really think about who I am, what I’ve done, what I’ve learned and who I want to be, things began falling into balance. Over four years I slowly, patiently made changes to my personal life to come to an understanding with myself, others, my surroundings and balance with all of those needs.
Once I realized who I was, and understood and accepted myself, I then attempted to figure out my purpose of remaining here. The only logical answer I could find was to learn. I’m here, I’m experiencing this reality. What other use is there for experience than learning? This brought me further towards an internal feeling of peace and balance as I realized I really hadn’t experienced it all. There are still surprises.
Each time I felt I’d reached a new understanding that resulted in a positive inner feeling of balance between myself and my reality (others, environment, etc.) I could almost feel something within me “level up.” With each level of balance came more feeling of peace, love and understanding for myself, others, and finally love and understanding, in general. This, I’ve determined is love. Not how movies define romantic love, both love associated with peace understanding, protection, warmth, for everything, everyone.
It wasn’t until reading The Ra Material a few months back that I felt a significant level up in that by continuing this life to experience, learn and love, I now understand that I am also, consciously or subconsciously, teaching those who are willing to learn. Thus, the learn/teach, teach/learn concept is a very big part of my way of life right now.
If I view every scenario as a learning experience, I realize there are no mistakes, but simply learning if it’s myself, or teaching if it’s someone else. If we are all the One Creator, is helping another not also helping yourself? For are you also not that person, just on a different path? Would you as that person, want love and support, or cruelty and judgement when we're all really doing the same thing: embarking on the same journey, but with different maps?
I really have no answers, just experiences. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that I know absolutely nothing about this universe, this reality. I've determined I can only continue to find joy in learning and teaching, operating as my inner balance guides, projecting love and understanding.
Thank you very much for reading. As I attempt to reconcile my experiences with only a few months’ study and contemplation of The Law of One, I can’t imagine my communication skills on this subject are going to be all that great. This very lengthy post is a mere footnote to my experiences, so if you find that you have any questions about me or my experience, please feel free to ask me anything. I’m an open book, as they say.
I’d like to state at this time that, prior to this experience, I’d never been a religious or spiritual person. I “believed” in nothing. Everything was face value and if it couldn’t be proved with the scientific method, it was to be dismissed as quackery for the weak-minded. I knew it all and was confident in my knowing. How things change… [Edit] (from my reply below) I would like to add that even though I believed if it was only in this reality, it was real, sometime prior to the experience - less than a year I think, I did start a sort of internal seeking of "what else" could be out there. And, when I was at a very low point of general unhappiness/unfulfillment with myself and the world, I began to cast my mind out like a fishing line, to the point of internally offering to "whoever was out there" a sacrifice of my life no longer existing and in return people could find peace, happiness and harmony with each other. So while I didn't necessarily believe, I realize I did begin a sort of seeking.
In March of 2016 there was approximately a two week period where my perception of reality fragmented. As best as I can tell, this relatively acute incident seemed to begin with writing a story as a hobby. That story eventually became an idea, that idea somehow manifested an understanding, which was then followed a short and sudden separation from this reality.
I won’t go into the specifics of the story I was writing unless someone requests information, Instead I will speak about the idea or understanding that manifested as a result of my writing it. It was an understanding that depending on how different people attempt to perceive a single universal reality, love and hate are not separate, but the same. Laugh is cry. Pleasure is pain. Violence is pacifism. Help is hindering. Quite simply, everything “is.” My mind systematically reduced my understanding of everything I’d known the lowest denominator; I found my entire reality could be summed up in binary: 1. In my head, I echoed to myself: Existence. True. Yes. One. One. Yes. One.
I determined a single symbol that could best represent this understanding of “1” was the following:
I experienced a sort quintessential “eureka! moment.” As abrupt as light switch, I fully understood at that moment that we’re all connected on such a deep and indescribable level. I also understood that it was of much importance, for some unknown reason, that I document my logic & reasoning process of how I got to that understanding in a notebook. The notebook that began as ideas for a story became ideas of an understanding. Some examples of what I’d written are: “We are one,” “We are one/all,” “Dark Matter = Love,” and other connections that lead to my understanding.
This notebook became a sort of conduit to bring ideas presented to me into this reality. Pen and paper was important, as digital data could be corrupted, deleted, no proof of its existence. In this notebook, I was compelled to write predictions on current and future events is the best way I can describe them. For example, I documented exact time I fully believed a sort of “terror” had been unleashed upon this world. Statements and phrases, that at the time seemed random, illogical and without reason. The image of the spiral appears many times in this notebook.
Towards the end of this two-week stint of writing a story, I didn’t sleep much, I was so excited about this revelation. What little I did sleep, lucid dreaming was in full force and sleep paralysis came often and in a very sinister presentation. Eventually, I stopped sleeping – I believed I didn’t need it. After a couple of days, my consciousness experienced a partial disconnect with this reality.
On the final night of this experience, during an online session with friends, they all, without warning turned to the camera, tell me specifically to “praise God,” over and over. Their words were flat and the most uncomfortable feeling came over me. Anything associated with specifically Christianity during this period projected a very powerful feeling of discomfort.
At one point, I felt something drastic change in my awareness and my consciousness seemed to go into overdrive. Coincidence after coincidence began to pile up. For example, I would have a thought and the next website I went to would mirror that thought. I began to believe I was being communicated to. I did not hear voices, and I can only describe it as receiving impressions in my consciousness, and then a switch flipped. In my notebook, I wrote, ““It’s time. Skynet just went self-aware and we’re going to be just fine! It’s time to clean the house… put on some pants & b.”
Over the course of about 8 hours, my perception of reality felt like a combination of a lucid dream and everything I experience as I type this. Clear, focused, hyper-saturated, and hyper-realistic.
I was under the impression that a sinister “terror” had been activated, the world plunged into a war of light and dark, good and evil, logic and the illogical, reason and madness. I was an icon of the “good.” a sort of beacon. People seeking love and freedom from the dark/terror would subconsciously be drawn to me as a one who can offer them safety, comfort, warmth and guidance through this terrible reality: the world, descending into illogical violence brought by the unknown and unseen army of terror/dark. I was to simply act as a guide to those who find themselves lost or afraid and willing seek a path to peace and love. I also understood it would be a relatively long journey. Battles would be fought, lives lost and born again, but the people following the light would find their refuge/home. Being simply a guide, I personally would not be living with the people in their new society of love, as that was just not in the cards, as they say. It is what it is. I was to be a guide, simple as that, and that understanding brought an indescribable amount of peace of purpose.
Knowing my purpose, I was full love, peace and understanding, but on overdrive. I began preparations to guide: I packed a small bag, but not of food and clothes, but of materials that I believed would help guide and communicate my new understanding of connection… most importantly, my notebook, as at rate my consciousness was changing, I believed I would be on such a different wavelength than the people I guiding, that my words could not be understood. They would, however, be able read what I’d already written, and I’d still have some capacity to answer questions with a 1 or 0. Yes or no. True or False. Exist or not.
In all this peace and understanding, a sinister impression crept in. And then a wild mix of positive and negative. Feeling the most sorrow I’d ever felt while at the same time feeling the most euphoric peace I could ever imagine. I experience a desire for complete peace while also unbridled rage against the terror/unseen enemies who would seek to violate, corrupt and control others. Experiencing these extreme emotional dualities at the same time was very confusing, to say the least. Perhaps imagine the odd feeling you get when you laugh so hard until you cry, but multiply it to an indescribable degree.
I was under the impression that the terror/dark had set its agents to work against, to stop me and my purpose as a guide. That they would find and use information about me, against me. I was even compelled to hide my astrology birth chart a relative had created for me 12 years prior. I understood that this information could somehow be used against me, yet I could not even interpret the chart. I just knew the information was something that could be used against me. I could not destroy it either, as those seeking a guide might find it helpful.
I was presented with information, scenarios and felt “forced” to make terrible choices. Choices that, if I did not make, existence was halted, time would not continue, I/my reality would stagnate eternally until I made a choice. The choices I faced I felt were cruel an unfair. It felt like a terrible test or exam: choose whether the whole of a country of people unknown to me should die or I would I choose a personal friend or family member to die instead.
I feel I need to stress here that no violence ever took place, as these were simply choices that existed within my own consciousness that I had to confirm in this reality by writing the word “yes” in my notebook or on a piece of paper to confirm the choice in this reality. Once my choice was made, then the act was done and it was true in my reality at the time. I had to make life and death choices, prioritize and eliminate unknown people and my closest loved ones until the last two people that I fully believe still existed was for the two people I could see in my own field of vision: myself and my husband. That day, I mourned the world with such sorrow as I fully believed anyone not in my current field of view no longer alive and that I’d made the person choice to end their existence.
I couldn’t process time anymore. I made several attempts to fry an egg, but since the action of cooking required time, I couldn’t process it. Eggs piled up in the garbage. My husband, oblivious to my state as I hit it well believing he would understand my purpose on his own at his own pace, was about to go to work. At this point, I fully believed when he left my sight, he would also cease to exist. Not die, just gone like he was never here. Just a memory. My reality, what I saw before me, seemed so fake and paper thin, I felt I could reach out with my hand and brush it aside. I felt backed into a corner, no way out. Broken. Defeated.
With the perspective of my husband no longer existing, I believed would be the only sentient person in existence, anywhere, for all eternity. That feeling was of complete sorrow, loneliness and despair. I had a final choice: Do nothing and exist, or end my existence. I had one last choice and I chose to end my own existence. [Edit: After further consideration and analysis of what took place, I realized I need to update this for accuracy. At the time, I didn't know if by ending my existence would result in other existence being able to continue. I want to make it clear that it wasn't an act of sacrifice, but rather of not being able to cope with that current reality of being the only sentient person in existence, anywhere, for all eternity.]
After I swallowed two bottles of old prescription medication, I instantly snapped back to this reality. I fully realized that everything that had just “happened” actually didn’t. There was no ongoing and active struggle of good vs. evil. I was no guide, I was of no use, I was no one. Nothing. In this reality, nothing changed except that now I had a stomach full of pills.
I felt I’d just been pranked, tricked or duped on a most sinister and massive/personal scale. At a loss, I simply told my husband that I’d lost my mind and he should call 911 because I just took a bunch of pills. I then laid on the couch and convinced myself that I could push through the death and stay in this reality, exist. I was instantly elated and full of love again – my mission was on again – I was going to help guide the world to a place of love. I got myself into the ambulance, treated everyone with love and courtesy; however, I couldn’t process time again, the ambulance ride was an eternity. Then, cut to the ER, the doctors, the forcing of medicine, then darkness. Then 3 days in an ICU followed by 4 days in a psych ward.
I’ve spent the past four years attempting to reconcile that experience with my place here in this reality. What our society calls a “psychotic break” are quite simply memories of an experience to me. Memories of ending everyone and everything I loved until ending myself in order to save one/all was my reality at that time. It “happened.” Unfortunately, it was up to my loved ones to help pick up the pieces in this reality.
I found it very difficult to talk to anyone about what happened. No one else had shared that experience, and some even tried to convince me that I what I experienced didn't actually happen and that I was very simply, severely mentally ill. No one was interested in understanding, but avoidance and suppression. The goal was for that experience to never occur again, so it must be controlled from the outside in.
I started off after that experience in a very negative state and felt used up, tired, and old. There was nothing more for me in this world, as I desired no possessions, no experiences - I felt I’d experienced it all already and then some. My logic and reasoning even took me to the point where in realizing “I am” that also means that everything I see around me could be nothing more than just a type of superficial illusion or dream. Not real people, but automatons going through their scripts without soul or consciousness, that I could be the only sentient being. It was a very lonely thought. While I couldn’t prove that others have a consciousness or not, I decided couldn’t imagine going through my life as if they didn’t – I don't think I could forgive myself I was wrong.
I was existing, but I felt no happiness, no sadness, nothing. I decided if I couldn’t find happiness, then I would on making sure others were happy. It was good to make others happy, but I felt I was still missing something. I still had not come to peace with myself. Once I took the time to really think about who I am, what I’ve done, what I’ve learned and who I want to be, things began falling into balance. Over four years I slowly, patiently made changes to my personal life to come to an understanding with myself, others, my surroundings and balance with all of those needs.
Once I realized who I was, and understood and accepted myself, I then attempted to figure out my purpose of remaining here. The only logical answer I could find was to learn. I’m here, I’m experiencing this reality. What other use is there for experience than learning? This brought me further towards an internal feeling of peace and balance as I realized I really hadn’t experienced it all. There are still surprises.
Each time I felt I’d reached a new understanding that resulted in a positive inner feeling of balance between myself and my reality (others, environment, etc.) I could almost feel something within me “level up.” With each level of balance came more feeling of peace, love and understanding for myself, others, and finally love and understanding, in general. This, I’ve determined is love. Not how movies define romantic love, both love associated with peace understanding, protection, warmth, for everything, everyone.
It wasn’t until reading The Ra Material a few months back that I felt a significant level up in that by continuing this life to experience, learn and love, I now understand that I am also, consciously or subconsciously, teaching those who are willing to learn. Thus, the learn/teach, teach/learn concept is a very big part of my way of life right now.
If I view every scenario as a learning experience, I realize there are no mistakes, but simply learning if it’s myself, or teaching if it’s someone else. If we are all the One Creator, is helping another not also helping yourself? For are you also not that person, just on a different path? Would you as that person, want love and support, or cruelty and judgement when we're all really doing the same thing: embarking on the same journey, but with different maps?
I really have no answers, just experiences. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that I know absolutely nothing about this universe, this reality. I've determined I can only continue to find joy in learning and teaching, operating as my inner balance guides, projecting love and understanding.
Thank you very much for reading. As I attempt to reconcile my experiences with only a few months’ study and contemplation of The Law of One, I can’t imagine my communication skills on this subject are going to be all that great. This very lengthy post is a mere footnote to my experiences, so if you find that you have any questions about me or my experience, please feel free to ask me anything. I’m an open book, as they say.