07-19-2020, 02:15 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-19-2020, 07:27 PM by sillypumpkins.)
Hello everybuddy,
So the last couple of weeks I've been visiting (and staying with) my partner's family. We've all met before and get along just fine, however there has been a part of me that has revealed itself to me under these circumstances.
I was always kinda shy growing up. I still am. Something about being around other people (specifically those that I don't know very well) makes me nervous. This has always been "normal" to me. I tend to recede into myself in a way. Not even just when I'm around people I don't know, but also when I've been living with my partner/brother, etc. The opportunity to hang out, watch a movie, play music, etc will arise, and I'll say, "hmm... no, I want to be by myself."
It definitely feels like a "comfort" thing.... like, being by myself is easier/more comfortable than being around others, so I tend to gravitate towards that option when it is presented to me.
The other day my partner mentioned that a couple of her family members commented on how quiet I am. Her family is quite outgoing which I'm not used to, and I'm sure they're not used to somebody so quiet living with them. Lol.
This sorta bothered me. Not because I was upset that they made a comment, I suppose it ruffled me up a bit because I know that I tend to do that, and it's something I want to change. I feel unworthy of other's attention sometimes. I expressed this to my partner and she said to me that it makes her a little sad that I feel that way, because according to her I am wonderful, cool, kind, etc. When she said that, it resonated with me. Like part of me knows I am worthy of attention, and that I am loved, I am wonderful, etc. However, another part of me was like ".... what?" like I couldn't reconcile with it, how could I be all those things? That's absurd! So there's a bit of a dissonance there.
I want to be able to be around others wholly, without being engulfed in myself. I feel as though it's difficult for me to offer service to others because of this sometimes.
I'd like to add that this feeling of "unworthiness" also permeates my "alone time" as well. When I am doing the things I really love doing (such as music), often times I'll sort of be like "what's the point?" Not outwardly, I don't say that, but I experience a feeling that resembles that question, which then leads to me almost "reverting" back to a certain state. It feels like there is a step for me to take that I am not taking.
Tied into all of this, I have difficulty relating to my self. I mean, I've read about people making lists about all their qualities and such, in order to get a better sense of who they are. However, when I do this I sort of feel like a phony. I don't know why. Like yeah, I can list all my "good" and "bad" qualities, but that seems sort of trivial compared to the overarching truth of who I Am, which is the One Creator experiencing itself as my self.
My sense of self has always been blurred in this sense. Who the hell am I? Yeah, I am a musician, an artist, a brother, a son, a partner. Is it really so important to identify with these roles? Or is it trivial compared to the identification with the One Creator?
The more I talk about it, the more it becomes clear that this seems to be a yellow/orange ray issue. Which are the two rays I have the hardest time "getting into" so to speak.
Has anyone experienced this? Can anyone offer words of wisdom here? That would be appreciated....
I'll probably keep editing and elaborating this post as more insights come to me.
thank you kindly in advance
So the last couple of weeks I've been visiting (and staying with) my partner's family. We've all met before and get along just fine, however there has been a part of me that has revealed itself to me under these circumstances.
I was always kinda shy growing up. I still am. Something about being around other people (specifically those that I don't know very well) makes me nervous. This has always been "normal" to me. I tend to recede into myself in a way. Not even just when I'm around people I don't know, but also when I've been living with my partner/brother, etc. The opportunity to hang out, watch a movie, play music, etc will arise, and I'll say, "hmm... no, I want to be by myself."
It definitely feels like a "comfort" thing.... like, being by myself is easier/more comfortable than being around others, so I tend to gravitate towards that option when it is presented to me.
The other day my partner mentioned that a couple of her family members commented on how quiet I am. Her family is quite outgoing which I'm not used to, and I'm sure they're not used to somebody so quiet living with them. Lol.
This sorta bothered me. Not because I was upset that they made a comment, I suppose it ruffled me up a bit because I know that I tend to do that, and it's something I want to change. I feel unworthy of other's attention sometimes. I expressed this to my partner and she said to me that it makes her a little sad that I feel that way, because according to her I am wonderful, cool, kind, etc. When she said that, it resonated with me. Like part of me knows I am worthy of attention, and that I am loved, I am wonderful, etc. However, another part of me was like ".... what?" like I couldn't reconcile with it, how could I be all those things? That's absurd! So there's a bit of a dissonance there.
I want to be able to be around others wholly, without being engulfed in myself. I feel as though it's difficult for me to offer service to others because of this sometimes.
I'd like to add that this feeling of "unworthiness" also permeates my "alone time" as well. When I am doing the things I really love doing (such as music), often times I'll sort of be like "what's the point?" Not outwardly, I don't say that, but I experience a feeling that resembles that question, which then leads to me almost "reverting" back to a certain state. It feels like there is a step for me to take that I am not taking.
Tied into all of this, I have difficulty relating to my self. I mean, I've read about people making lists about all their qualities and such, in order to get a better sense of who they are. However, when I do this I sort of feel like a phony. I don't know why. Like yeah, I can list all my "good" and "bad" qualities, but that seems sort of trivial compared to the overarching truth of who I Am, which is the One Creator experiencing itself as my self.
My sense of self has always been blurred in this sense. Who the hell am I? Yeah, I am a musician, an artist, a brother, a son, a partner. Is it really so important to identify with these roles? Or is it trivial compared to the identification with the One Creator?
The more I talk about it, the more it becomes clear that this seems to be a yellow/orange ray issue. Which are the two rays I have the hardest time "getting into" so to speak.
Has anyone experienced this? Can anyone offer words of wisdom here? That would be appreciated....
I'll probably keep editing and elaborating this post as more insights come to me.
thank you kindly in advance