A Long Journey Home
07-22-2020, 04:23 AM, (This post was last modified: 07-22-2020, 04:36 AM by Samudtar.)
A Long Journey Home
Howdy friends,
I've been lurking on these forums ever since I found the Law of One books almost a year ago now; I discovered they resonated, pretty astonishingly, with a lot of things I had found from my experiences with inadvertently channeling stuff.
I've decided finally that I want to join the discussion for the sake of getting to meet like-minded individuals and gaining further insight on my path of seeking, since I’m on this mode like all the time anyways. To start on that I wanted to relay my story, in hopes that it might serve as a data point to anyone interested in how topics like psychic channeling, past life regression, Atlantis/Lemuria, etc might relate to a kid growing up.

Since I was a little kid, I've always felt a bit out of place, like I "belonged" someplace or time that I wasn't at. From a very early age I was enraptured by Greco-Roman mythology and other similar ancient systems; one of my earliest memories is of retelling the story of Odysseus with puppets and paper cutouts at the local library. I was always very spiritually aware; though perhaps one could attribute this to the conditions laid out for my life.
My upbringing was heavily religious. My father was at one point a pastor and my mother was constantly working with the leadership of the churches we frequented over the years, so I spent a lot of early years studying Bible material. This somewhat alienated me from my peers, though I remember finding a few kids at my school who were also heavily interested at this age in spiritual matters.
After several years within the Presbyterian church, I began to feel a growing sense of agitation at the lack of more religious information. I constantly sought out to seek more and more “out there” sources, eventually receiving from my mother a bunch of DVD’s of an evangelist/New Age minister named Kent Hovind. His episodic, podcast-like lectures enraptured many hours of my attention as he happened to give a "Christian-science" based explanation for dinosaurs, which I was obsessed with (honestly looking back a lot of the material was shite, but with some intriguing topics and an actually questioning stance of the mainstream opinion regarding the connection/conflict between science and religion).

As I approached adolescence my life steeply took a turn for the worse. I won’t spoil into the details too much, as I feel like it was all kinda the same muck in terms of how much I was perceiving and it doesn’t matter that much. Basically, my father, who was already prone to angry bouts, lost his head after not finding another job after finishing yet another odd global venture. When he started threatening my mother I really started to not like the guy. I would provoke him at any opportunity, which in hindsight meant that I absorbed the brunt of his explosive bouts. My mom - who definitely wasn’t the best person when it came to control issues and verbal abusiveness, but nevertheless still in her good moods made alright company - became very sick to the point of nearly dying when I was 11. Afterwards, she claimed I didn’t truly love her, as I hadn’t run to her side enough when she was struggling. A bunch of other lame stuff like that kept happening, like bullying at school, and a particularly impactful incident where my father and I were alone in a car and an argument eventually escalated into him seizing me and threatening to break all the bones in my body.

Thus, by the time I was 13 I was very despondent and aloof, uninterested with most social interaction and preferring my hobbies and spiritual development. It was around this time, when I felt the worst I had ever felt in my life, that one day, in the middle of my high school math class, I suddenly felt a “contact” made in my head. At the time I perceived it as feeling as though I had tapped into an immense, continuous, and constantly slowly ramping-up pool of spiritual/creative energy. I felt prompted, inadvertently almost, to start working on a project, something that would resolve the questions I had. I wanted to make a journal that had more of creation to it than just what I saw in my shitty everyday nightmare life. Very quickly into the project I found myself at a cosmogony; one trying to explain everything as being a part of a whole. It seems like a pretty crazy idea to suddenly have, but looking back I realize that I was prepared by knowledge that I had resonated with earlier, regarding the Egyptian pharoah Akhenaton’s religion, and years of studying and trying to integrate the belief systems of ancient civilizations, particularly that of the Greeks. I remember liking the idea of the Muses being beings of just purely artistic inspiration; that concentration of the motif into a character making them somehow easier to connect to. As such, I began to work on my first sketchbook, which I called “the Book of Faces.”

A basic part of the cosmogony that I came to try to express was the idea of a positive and negative charge that had both been shuttered from their higher place of origin, or “corrupted,” having decided to engage in more barbarous practices. This concept formed the first chapter, the Curved Claws, of the first journal. The construct of the chapters ended up naturally leading into an archetypal system; I wanted to embody my religious/emotional beliefs of thinking with rational/emotional parts of the self in balance, and thinking this way, I landed at the idea of having each chapter embody a certain “piece” of the natural progression of a truth-seeking individual. Over the next 4 years, I would in 2 sketchbooks identify 9 archetypes of a central uniting aspect, which I called “Keye.” The highly geometrical nature and 10 archetypes I later realized to be the Sephiroth of the Qaballah, but at that point in my life when I was first working on the book I had no exposure to anyone working with it nor any knowledge of it save slight mentions. I’ve come to terms with this at this point as being information that was offered to me by my higher/inner planes selves due to the intense stakes of my incarnation.

The second sketchbook, started in my second year of high school:

I remember at this point in my life feeling extremely alienated from everyone. I felt as though many things about me, my spirituo-cultural beliefs and personality traits, were not in line with those of my ethnicity, or really of anyone that I met, that this didn’t matter, but that I was being punished regardless since whenever I tried to express myself around them they would react bitterly. My family situation worsened even further; my mother kicking me out of the house in my teens over getting C’s before breaking down and letting me back in. I now attribute these incidents to have been in part due to psychic greeting, probably in response to the work I was doing. Yet, amidst all of the perceived threats around me there were still sources of light. One such light I remember was a classmate, whom after showing him the book, assured me I had a calling in life and to keep doing what I did no matter what. Other friends served as sources of inspiration, showing me in their everyday actions the certain ways that they reached Godhood and thus teaching me further archetypes. And despite all of the horrible coincidences that kept happening, the more suffering I was steeped in, the more it seemed my connection to my spiritual expression intensified until the storm suddenly gave way to a feeling of engulfment in newfound love and understanding. This calm of course building up to another conflict which would resolve itself both in daily life and in the pages of the journal in some baffling synchronicity. The best example I can give of this was my feeling I described earlier of not belonging to a culture or people visible to me. As I became more and more caught up by my struggle against this alienation, people in my life started acting like they knew my inner struggles and were doing their best to make it reach a tipping point. My mom and sister began to accuse me of not conforming to my ethnic/racial group, telling me to basically repress my personality, philosophy and handling our differences in physical appearance with suspicion and resentment. This really made me not feel good, but looking back the pages I have from that time are some of the closest ties I have to my soul-self. They relate to Atlantis, and parts match the LOO descriptions of genetic experiments conducted at the time.

Thus the basic structure of my life was laid out, and hasn’t changed too much in the 7 years since I first started up on my studies. As I continued I began to partially awaken though I was still deeply caught up in my blockages, and often had moods where I would doubt all of the things I had done and believed in. Around this time I began to refer to myself as a wanderer, and later on, clarified as a "wanderer der licht," though what this meant beyond the free feeling it gave me when I thought of it, I had no idea.

Towards the fourth or fifth year of my magical journal-keeping, as I was struggling studying parts of Chesed with relation to Da'ath (big no in retrospect) I became increasingly disillusioned/insecure in my beliefs, which I didn’t see as backed by anyone in my life nor by any culture or creed I had heard of save some isolated, long-dead cultures. Adding to this was a need to pay attention to college, which I saw as part of family duty since my mother was so insistent I went to a good one. So for 2 and ½ years I stopped my efforts to create an archetypal magic-history system, sending what I deemed my "magical" personality partition into dormancy and trying my best to resolve my life "normally" due to its increasing demand of duty, until finding this source and promptly shitting my bricks.

I first heard about the Law of One as pertaining to the Ra Material in my junior year of college from a friend who had recently taken to studying occult matters. The instant I heard the name I was intrigued, as it sounded very similar to that of Akhenaton’s religion. Reading the material I proceeded to have my mind blown at the extreme quality and conciseness of the channel, and I found a lot of information related to Wanderers, Yahweh’s history, Magical archetypes, and Atlantis to be very in line with stuff I had either researched or felt like I had always known intrinsically. It took months of further struggle until I came to a better realization and understanding of what I needed to do to balance myself, but now I think I can say that I'm sufficiently not miserable/re-encouraged enough to be able to open up and share this part of my life, which I can share with so few of my friends. All I can say is that I'm extremely grateful for the existence of this community, which has allowed me to have a place to post this and find conversation about the topics I enjoy, and that I look forward to joining you.

Gladly here to serve
Joseph / Yos-Hep Shin
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07-22-2020, 01:46 PM, (This post was last modified: 07-22-2020, 01:46 PM by flofrog.)
RE: A Long Journey Home
Welcome here, Samudtar, Heart this is a hectic beginning of life for sure. Interesting that so many wanderers seem to get through it too when young.

The sketches are quite beautiful.

Same here as the name of Ra had the similar appeal to me..

Safe journey Wink
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07-22-2020, 06:35 PM,
RE: A Long Journey Home
Welcome to the forum Samudtar such an intriguing beginning to your life.
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