I have forgotten how to love

[Jeremy]

Been quite a while since I have positively contributed here but I am definitely needing some help. This will be a rather long read for context so I apologize in advance. 

Back in 2012/2013, I was abuzz with energy from this new way of living through the Law of One. This forum was just as abuzz with fascinating energy as well. Things were going well until early 2014 where I hit some sort of wall. I was working out, eating right, and meditating daily yet this wall was something that I had never experienced. I attribute a lot to it to the multitude of hours that I was working via my 2 and sometimes 3 jobs just to stay afloat after child support sucked almost $500 a month from my bank account. 

Later in the year, I had met the love of my life which reinvigorated me a bit but in hindsight, I’ve often wondered if it had masked some underlying issue. Though we had our challenges early on, we pushed through those and began our lives together. 

Fast forward some years and the exhaustion was rising to inescapable levels. I became extremely negative, drinking more, I had stopped meditating a few year prior to that. I was an overall sour person to be around. I lashed out at others and even some here which prompted me to leave. My love left me which caused all sorts of change within me which eventually led to us reuniting. Yet 3 years later and especially due to the pandemic and seeing so much death at work, I had yet again sunk into this pit of despair. This time though, I lashed out at her and my coworkers. I just wanted to be left alone and drink just to numb myself from all that I saw at the hospital. 

This eventually led to my love leaving yet again even though we had made a promise if I had taken this dark turn we’d figure it out and she wouldn’t leave yet she left anyways but that’s besides the point. 

I have never been the most loving father to my daughter.  I’ve never been a family person really at all.  I didn’t ask to be a father. My ex wife made that choice for me though I could’ve done more to responsibly prevent it.  

I have since taken custody of her due to her mother’s  never ending spiral down the addiction rabbit hole which has been the last 15 months or so. This has shown me that it’s been incredibly difficult to actually be a full time father. I can’t pinpoint why I’m not the type of father she deserves. Maybe it’s because I never wanted to be one and if so, it makes me feel absolutely horrible because she deserves to have that in her life. 

Thinking about it more and more when it comes to not only my daughter but my love that I lost, I found that I have lost the ability to love. I don’t even know what that feeling is anymore. I remember feeling it at times in the past yet being overcome with profound exhaustion immediately after it. I feel as if I’m literally too tired to love and that makes me feel like absolute s***. 

I’m going to start talking to a psychologist this week or the next. I’m stopping drinking as I’m sure that’s the root of many of my issues and I’m quitting smoking as well. I hope to resume meditating as well but to be honest, I feel absolutely lost. I don’t know if I have an actual clinical issue such as legitimate depression or what. I have been vehemently opposed to medication for a very long time but at this point, I’m willing to try anything. I have been reading about burn out. Especially emotional burnout and how difficult it is to come back from it which doesn’t inspire much confidence. 

So I guess I’m looking for advice from anyone who has gone through such struggles and how they overcame them. 

Thanks.

[flofrog]

Jeremy so many thoughts.

Exhaustion due to your work added to the responsibility of a child is an incredible weight to shoulder.

Just a thought, if I may suggest something out of great affection I always felt at reading your past posts, just know that if you wanted to transit to a better way about alcohol, wine and any alcohol are known to be depressant , except.. tequila. lol, not that I wish to encourage anyone to drink alcohol but if you could switch for a while to have a drink in the evening of a dozen ice cubes with little fresh lime juice, bit of brown sugar and a tablespoon of tequila, you might in fact start to feel better. Then it might be easier to quit later. Definitely the help of therapy and if need be, medication, eliminating then the margarita... would be a great choice. Best best wishes for finding a good therapist.

Hang in there dear Jeremy, you are doing in fact so much good even if you think you are not a great father yet. Many many thoughts.

[sillypumpkins]

Thanks for sharing Jeremy. While it seems I might be somewhat younger than you in earth years, I can relate to much of what you posted. 

I feel prompted to quote this section from session 18 upon reading your post: 

Ra: I am Ra. The proper role of the entity is in this density to experience all things desired, to then analyze, understand, and accept these experiences, distilling from them the love/light within them. Nothing shall be overcome. That which is not needed falls away.

[MonadicSpectrum]

Thanks for sharing your experiences with us.

Here is my advice:

1. A therapist is a good start, but I also recommend joining AA which has been shown to work for healing the addiction to alcohol as well as producing a spiritual awakening. It's very difficult to break an addiction alone.

https://www.aa.org/what-is-aa

https://12step.org/the-12-steps/

2. Focus on one day at a time. Can you meditate today? Then do it. Can you tell someone you love them today? Then do it. Can you watch a spiritual video or a spiritual text today? Then do it. When you focus on the present, it is much easier to do the right thing as there are no excuses that can arise from the past or future.

3. Listen to this motivation video:

[jafar]

Every events that you're experiencing now all is a catalyst for love.
Specifically, acceptance and forgiveness.
Without those experience as a catalyst there is nothing to accept and forgive.
Thus be thankful for all of the experience that you're having.

Love do not judge, love is accepting and forgiving.

Thus one can start by accepting and forgiving one own's self.
As such is actually the first step.

I've posted a "Life Cheat Code" that I found on Ra's material here:
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...Life+cheat

In short, the cheat code is:
This game can only be won by those who lose their cards in the melting influence of love; can only be won by those who lay their pleasures, their limitations, their all upon the table face up and say inwardly: “All, all of you players, each other-self, whatever your hand, I love you.”
This is the game: to know, to accept, to forgive, to balance, and to open the self in love.

[IndigoSalvia]

During those dark nights of my soul, I felt a void, a persistent numbness mixed with self-condemnation. (nasty little cocktail) My ability to love and see joy seem to have disappeared, but slowly, so I didn't notice until it was on me in a big way. 

Perhaps we drift far from our core, or unbeknownst to us, our core has shifted from its last-known location, and we can't seem to find it in the dark any longer.

I hear a sensation of being lost, and I also hear your desire to search for a way out of this darkness that you find yourself in. 

I see a desire to seek as one of many flavors of love. (I don't mean to try to talk you out of the space you're in, because it irritated me when that happened to me.) I simply trust that each of us has a spark of love within us, and from time to time, we lose sight of it so much that we wonder if we ever even had it. 

The fact that you are reaching out and searching is, to me, a sign of love that still flickers within you. 

If you are able, you can try to do the littlest of things that might add some kindling to that love, whatever is meaningful for you. For me, that was much easier said than done, but little by little and slowly, these seemingly simple things added up so that one day I could feel a difference. In hindsight, I was very slowly "flipping my script" but I couldn't see that that was what I was doing at the time. I was simply putting one hand out, reaching for the next ledge I could hold onto, to pull myself out of the hole. 

Be open to catching a tiny glimpse of love or joy in the briefest of moments. And when those moments happen, if only for a second, cherish that joy, that calmness, that relief. Almost like re-tuning yourself into the frequency of love again.

[tadeus]

So I guess I’m looking for advice from anyone who has gone through such struggles and how they overcame them. 

Thanks.

Questions / statements of this kind are not unknown to me.

We live in a time of extreme trials.
A logical examination shows that in the last decades everything has been done to destroy the cohesion in the tribes / families and to promote a self-centered way of acting. Care is institutionalized and measured in dollars.

We are caught up in an ever-increasing struggle for existence, so that there is hardly any space or time left for reflection or alternative approaches / solutions.

Here only helps to recognize the situation and to pull an emergency brake.
To reflect about what is really important to you and to act accordingly.
This may generally help to break the vicious circle.

[aWanderer91]

Hi Jeremy,

This is such an honest post from you, and as a man you should feel proud of yourself for all you've been through and for opening up to us all.

Firstly, it sounds like you've been trying to man manage everything for so long, trying to keep things upright etc. This definitely leads to emotional exhaustion and spiritual burnout. Are you able to allow and accept the way life has gone for you?

Your daughter is lucky to have you, a working father who despite the pitfalls he's been through, he's still there and maintains himself enough to be present in her life. But are you able to realise how lucky you are to have her too? I'm sure she has lots to teach you in terms of what unconditional love means and it sounds like you still haven't quite accepted that you have a daughter and she's here now.

Lastly, if you're feeling exhausted after loving then it could be that you are forcing love from yellow ray. Love from the heart is gentle, kind and leaves no regrets no matter how things turn out in my opinion. Love from green ray is natural, unconditional and organic, but of course we can still feel exhausted after a tumultuous relationship even if our love has been from the heart. Maybe you could question where you are loving from, and if you are feeling depleted after giving love (energetically I mean) then it's quite possible you are giving love from the wrong place.

You have much support here and you have great awareness of your life and it's pitfalls, being aware of it all is a great step on the road of transformation.

Sending you love and light and I wish you all the best buddy

[Margan]

I find myself in a couple of things that you wrote - for a couple years I was working non-stop (either at my job or giving care to my demented mother)
I was completely exhausted and totally negative and unloving. I got into trouble with members of my family etc
I remember once coming down with the flu, being even more exhausted and praying to god "please dont let me wake up tomorrow, it would be a relief to get out of here...."
Life was one dark pit of despair with only duties and no fun anymore.
When my mother died I tried to get my life back on track, got back to working full time and then after couple months was diagnosed with cancer. In hindsight that was a blessing in disguise because it gave me the much needed rest - I was on sick leave and am now also on disability pension. If that would not have arrived I guess I would have continued like before until the next illness or accident came along to stop me in my tracks.
The pension now gives me time for my spirituality as well. All I can say I am so grateful for this cancer!!! it literally saved me lol
but this is not about me - but about you.
What I would suggest to you is - do you have any chance of going on rehab or to some kind of cure clinic?
Imo the most important thing in that stage is to
-get the rest you need to regenerate
-focus on yourself and what makes you feel good. What do you want for yourself? what would make your life better?
Someone mentioned volunteer work - I can only speak for the situation I was in back at the time - any additional work would have finished me off. Sometimes it is time to serve only the weary and beaten-down self, until that self gets back on track and feels better.....

The rest will come once you fix yourself. You wouldnt need the alcohol anymore anyways, as I see it right now it is a way to cope with the stress.
With me it was the nicotine, I smoked so I could get 5 mins of extra breaks outside, either from work or from caregiving ......
So get rid of the root cause ! The alcohol is a symptom.
All the best for you! you are not alone. "hugs"

[Aion]

Jeremy, there are few things in this world more difficult than being vulnerable, and it is courageous to be so. It is fortunate that although we may sometimes forget love and how to connect with it, it never forgets us, and will always be there when we are ready for it again. Be gentle with yourself.

[Jeremy]

Thank you everyone. Much to think on