Compassionate Honesty

[Jeremy]

One inner project of mine is becoming less brash in my responses to people. There was a thread here quite a few years ago where people were either in the compassion camp or brutal honesty camp but I’m trying to find a middle ground. 

Personally, I’ve always welcomed honesty even if it’s not positively oriented. If someone had something to say then say it and I’ll process it within. Yet I know many others who aren’t like this and instead of referring to them as frigid as I have in the past, I’m looking for ways to realize that not everyone is the same in processing criticism or honesty. 

So I am all ears as to how those that are more compassionate within social conversations have done so. I admit that I have been quite blunt in my actions due to that being how I would like to be treated but have come to realize that that’s not necessarily the best way and I’m really trying to be mindful as to how I communicate to be more loving within the moment.

[zedro]

One inner project of mine is becoming less brash in my responses to people. There was a thread here quite a few years ago where people were either in the compassion camp or brutal honesty camp but I’m trying to find a middle ground. 

Is there a difference in information between the 2 camps? And is it possible the latter camp only appears that way because the truth is what it is?

There should be 2 key characteristics, the quality of the message (precision/ accuracy), and the delivery of the message (effectiveness). Do people conceal/avoid truth to just appear nice? Do people reveal truth harshly to just appear right/authoritative?

I know I fall more into the latter camp (honesty over potentially misleading "compassion"), although I don't see it as brutal, I just don't believe in obfuscating truth to avoid discomfort, but certainly believe in metering ones response to remain effective (coming off too harsh can be counter productive). People come here for answers and opinions, so being polite for polite sake to me is actually disrespectful even if the truth feels that way.

Also I do feel this presented dichotomy relates back to love/wisdom vs wisdom/love type expressions.

[IndigoSalvia]

Navigating our fragile egos, and diplomacy seems to come naturally to some. Just being aware of this action of 'blunt honesty' is IMO part of it. 

Perhaps there's a reading of others' energies involved as well, for we are all unique. If you know another to be sensitive (in whatever way that manifests), or even upon just meeting another for the first time, then one can assume a specific approach with this other. Maybe couching or enveloping our communications/actions (both inner and outer) in love and tenderness.

Before acting, recognize that this seeming other is also us. We are One, and we are made of the same stuff: fragility, love, fear, happiness, etc. I have moments where I am more/less fragile, when I am more open to brutal honesty and when I am not. So, there I can see (if I take a moment to see) that there is common ground between us.

We can visualize invoking both green and blue ray energies of understanding, love and wise communication (taking in and releasing). 

Having a teenager who 'shoots from the hip' with limited experience of how his non-verbal (eye rolls, tone, etc.) and verbal communication affect another, this is an ongoing issue. And, I'm far from perfect either. When we speak brusquely to one another, no matter what, we always come together and pick up the pieces. I try to own my crap, so to speak, and in so doing, he is learning a similar skill. We both (after the tension has dissolved) become raw and honest about the energy behind the curt words. He told me a few days ago: ya know, mom, even though we have disagreements, each time, we are better after we talk it out. We are closer and more understanding of one another.

I remind myself that I can not go back and change the past, or project into the future, I can only operate in the present moment. 

For some exchanges, there will not be an opportunity to 'right the wrong' between two beings, and there is meditation. It is an opportunity or catalyst to fine-tune, clear and unblock our energy channels ... and to balance the energies themselves. We can take those moments of misunderstanding, and magnify the two polar opposites (complementary) energies that arose, whatever those are for each of us.

[Diana]

I understand this conundrum.

I will say that the idea of free will can inform how to proceed. Respecting the free will of others can be a difficult aspect of compassion. Another idea is that though you may think you know the truth, there are no absolutes. Softening this aspect of perception will help to provide guidance and openness. Even when the truth is so obvious, if  one approaches it with detachment from control and openness to the idea that information evolves as it grows and widens to larger vistas, how to express it changes.

I would not be an advocate of lying to save someone’s feelings. I wouldn’t compromise my own integrity that way. But I stay mindful of my own fallibility and the idea that others must find their own way.

[Mettadohm]

One inner project of mine is becoming less brash in my responses to people. There was a thread here quite a few years ago where people were either in the compassion camp or brutal honesty camp but I’m trying to find a middle ground. 

Personally, I’ve always welcomed honesty even if it’s not positively oriented. If someone had something to say then say it and I’ll process it within. Yet I know many others who aren’t like this and instead of referring to them as frigid as I have in the past, I’m looking for ways to realize that not everyone is the same in processing criticism or honesty. 

So I am all ears as to how those that are more compassionate within social conversations have done so. I admit that I have been quite blunt in my actions due to that being how I would like to be treated but have come to realize that that’s not necessarily the best way and I’m really trying to be mindful as to how I communicate to be more loving within the moment.

I have always been of the perspective that "if it can be destroyed by truth, it deserves to be destroyed by truth". For this reason, I love Ramana Maharshi and Jiddu Krishnamurti because they don't seem to give two s*%$s about the illusion that someone else's ego wants to uphold. On the flipside, I grew up with an emotionally sensitive younger sibling and am now married to a sensitive woman and this has helped me temper my communication skills, through much "error" on my part.

The compassion must be genuine otherwise it is pandering/patronizing, which demeans the person you are speaking to. See them as what they are, other forms of what you are, the beloved. In this perception of truth, I find that my speech, regardless of the message I wish to convey, is one of devotion, love, and adoration. Even so, sometimes the truth can be unbearable for one who has lived a lie for too long and how someone else reacts is not my responsibility, as it is a reflection of who they are in this moment and not of what I have said. All that being said, I now am beginning to see the value of only sharing my perspective with someone who has actually requested it, while letting go of the need to correct all misconceptions.

Much love!

[zedro]

It definitely gets mucky quick. For instance if someone who's 300+lbs morbidly obese asks you "do you think I'm beautiful", there are different facets to that question. Do you focus on the inner beauty of that person to reinforce compassion for themselves, or do you recognize that they are seeking validation to remain in such an unhealthy state and thus be brutally honest about their physical situation? Do you focus on only the internal to help build on their emotional needs, or address the obvious external issues as well?

The extremes at both ends are obvious (you are beautiful no matter what, your physicality is of no importance, or, your appearance is distasteful for obvious reasons and needs to be corrected), but the subtle answers aren't so obvious.

[flofrog]

I. wonder if compassion doesn't simply makes things easier because whatever stand the other entity expresses, it feels like this was once where I stood, I get that, no need to confront this, it is this way for the moment, and if it is something new then it is something worth looking into. it doesn't mean that one's level of compassion needs to be high.

[MonadicSpectrum]

This is a great topic. Thanks for starting it and thank you to everyone who has contributed to it.

I think when communicating, it's most important to remember your purpose for communicating, and then proceeding to choose the most optimal words that fulfill that purpose. Two of my main purposes for communicating are helping others understand myself where honesty is really important and another is helping others learn and grow where honesty is less important.

Sometimes there are words that are further from the truth but are more optimal for helping others learn and grow given their current frame of reference. For example, when speaking to a child, you should use simple words and rough approximations that the child can understand rather than verbose jargon that is more true but that the child cannot understand. You should also try to use words that encourage others to have positive emotions and that inspire them to continue learning. If you share a truth that demotivates them or creates negative emotions, they are likely to learn less over the long term than words that motivate them to continue learning beyond the conversation. Helpfulness is often a higher priority than truth because it actually creates more truth in the long term.

If you want to hear more of my thoughts on the subject, here is my video on the purpose of using words:

[Jeremy]

All wonderful replies. Thank you all!