Sledgehammer
03-26-2009, 07:57 PM,
#1
Sledgehammer
Hello everyone!
I hope you are all well. This seems to be a really supportive and friendly forum so please let me share my story with you.
For some time I have been wandering, feeling lost and having this inner restlessness, like something or someone was calling me. It started at a young age when I decided to leave home (voluntarily) at 12. However, somehow I became absorbed in academic pursuits until my whole world came crashing down and I went back to my childhood passion of music. Fate led me to an amazing teacher who, despite claiming to be simply a music teacher, has in fact become a guide in my spiritual search (sneaky!). So I suppose this has been creeping up on me for some time. Funnily enough, I am very suspicious of the written word (it ties my brain in knots so everything becomes confused) so it was probably just as well he taught me through music.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, the journey is a tough process. I am constantly being thwarted by myself. After a particularly horrible weekend, where for some reason I kept going insane with rage and pain inside me that felt nothing like my own (where does it come from, it really feels like someone else's), I saw my teacher. Just like the 2 days previously I couldn't stop crying. Everytime I tried to open my mouth to sing the pain was overwhelming. I go inside my deepest inner being to find the lake of all of humanity's pain. That's what it feels like. Timeless grief. Sorry, I cannot explain it any better. I have been questioning and asking myself whether I am just some kind of attention-seeking self-indulgent depressed masochist who likes to cry but that doesn't ring true.
So here is me crying with my poor teacher sitting there. I think to myself "Stop it you silly idiot!", everything is fine for about 2 mins, then I open my mouth again, and....no use. I finally said to my teacher that I couldn't go on, I was tired like a 1000 year old person who had been wandering through the desert. Everything was heavy and well, my personality was obviously not strong enough for the journey. My teacher then asked me to try again. I did. My whole body, or being, opened and the most beautiful figure appeared. It looked like a woman whose face I either couldn't make out or she had her back turned to me. I was afraid and in awe. Strangest of all, this skeptic that I am, all I wanted to do was kneel down and gladly die if only other people could see this beauty because the peace, love and solace was overwhelming. I cannot tell you how powerful this experience was, time stopped and everything was stripped from me or rather I gave all of myself willingly. My deepest wish is to help other people have the same experience because the torture and pain I experienced previousl (which seems to me gigantic) is dwarfed utterly. It was difficult to look at myself in the light of such purity. All the pain I have caused to others appeared like black liquid soot oozing out. So now I will start making amends and try to stop the pain. I will continue on my path in humility, realizing that I know nothing and rejoicing in the fact, for in this empty space my destiny will reveal itself.
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Fastidious Emanations, Steppingfeet, Stranger
03-26-2009, 09:27 PM,
#2
RE: Sledgehammer
Thank you, Solace for your sharing. I too have been dealing with rage too... and it feels like it is outside of me...

fairyfarmgirl
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04-01-2009, 11:44 AM,
#3
RE: Sledgehammer
Hello there,

I know this lake of grief very well, and I have been there many times (although I always thought of it as a river, so maybe we were in neighbouring countiesWink). We do seem to have this amazing ability to absorb and retain the pain of others. In my case some of the grief was my own, but much of it wasn't, but in the beginning (I was 5 years old the first time) it was impossible to see this clearly. It's important to know that even though we do feel the pain of others, there's no need to hold on to it. Seems like you had a very powerful spiritual experience to show you the way. Keep walking your path! You are aiding in the healing of the earth.

Blessings.
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