10-05-2011, 03:19 PM
...cause if not, I probably just ruined my life because of it
Hi, by the way.
I'm a 25 year old male from USA. Raised fundamentalist Christian in a very fear and rage filled environment. Realized that the cosmology doesn't make sense, went searching for one that did, explored everything i could find, but never in any particular depth because my mind was acting like a guided missile, targeted for something that it subconsciously already knew, even if I didn't consciously realize what it was. It's taken me about 2 years to get from devoted Christian-missionary-oriented mind-slave to here.
Unfortunately in the middle of this when I was feeling particularly down (about a year ago) I got in touch with this pay-service shamanic healer who claimed that all my troubles were due to my parents' bad energy clogging up my energy field. And then claimed he was going to send said bad energy back to them. Being the sacrificial person that I am, I was like, no, why can't I keep holding it for them? And he was like no, it's their karma, it should be with them. So I was sullenly like, ok whatever, but I never really believed him, and I don't think his energy healing worked very well because I was never in a receptive state of mind and never really accepted the idea that my parents karma should be returned to them...I mean what would be the point of undoing 25 years of painful service?? However he convinced me to move out on my own and "live for myself" which I complied with because I figured I wasn't doing my parents much good while I was so overwhelmed by their fear and sadness and emotional violence.
At approximately the same time I contacted said healer, I also found the Law of One info as presented by Hidden Hand on the abovetopsecret.com forum which I was searching for ultra-fringe (the normal fringe being unsatisfying to me after I realized that people like Alex Jones aren't promoting love in any way, shape or form) information. When I read the part about 3D life being analogous to creating an avatar in a video game, I felt like I had found something I'd been looking for all my life. Nearly everything Hidden Hand and later Ra said, resonated with me more deeply and truly than anything I'd encountered before. But since my life and my emotional state were very shaky and volatile at the time, I never really did anything about it, I just let it sink into my heart for a while.
Enter the events of the last week. Because I'm so awesome I never stopped keeping in touch with my parents through email and occasional visits (despite this being incredibly painful for me because, I really don't like my parents at all, they terrify me due to things that happened in early childhood, the memories of which are mostly suppressed) all the time trying to get my dad to look past his fear-blinkered version of Christianity and look for the inner truths of infinite love/light. But it got more and more impossible to talk to him 'cause he just wouldn't listen and twisted and distorted everything I said. So I gave up. I told him I'm giving up, I intended never to talk to him again, I told my "healer" guy that I finally did what he was suggesting and cut off all contact with my parents. This was just last week remember.
Few days later...suddenly, I don't even remember why, I'm back to the Law of One website, (I never really read the whole thing originally), and I stumble across the part about "Wanderers". Finally, for the first time in my life, my life made sense, I had a story that could be my own. I Am Somebody, not just a wisp of glowing soul blowing about in the gale of other people's pain. Suddenly the Harvest was not the ghost of hope of a better life and shadow of fear of not-being-good-enough that it had been up to that point...it was the brilliantly shining possibility of imminent Homecoming, the restoration of the reality of all the echoes of memories that have haunted me with mysterious longing all my life. I'm alive again.
Within the next day or two I then found myself confronted with a dilemma...one that I'm sure came from above despite it not being accompanied by any particular metaphysical experience. The choice: now that I (think I) know who I am, do I set my sights on going Home as soon as possible, or do I agree to live out the coming adventure with the purpose of giving love/light to whoever I can? Obviously I chose the latter, 'cause that's how we roll. I desperately just want to go home, there is nothing left on this earth that's worth staying for, in fact sometimes it seems like my emotional attachments to things in this life have been deliberately, systematically removed by an outside force. But I have yet to have a single actual metaphysical/supernatural experience so I figure I'd better keep living as if I might be staying for a little while longer.
So then I started to wonder if, now that I've re-dedicated my life to STO (not that it hasn't been all along, but the single-minded focus and clarity has been lacking and consequently I need to clean up my personal habits and fix my very broken emotional world), now that I'm sure what the direction of my purpose is, I wondered whether I need to go back to trying to help my parents...cause I can't imagine any other reason I would have been subjected to them if not to be an energetic counterweight to their negativity. This morning I decided to do so, and have resumed the difficult email discussion. At the same time I asked my "healer" if he had considered that I might be an ET and he said I wasn't. By this time I was quite sure of and attached to my wanderer-ness and was momentarily rather distressed by this, until I remembered that this wasn't by any means the first thing he'd told me that simply did not resonate...so I told him so, and that I don't necessarily trust his source of supernatural information (he claims there are "spirits" that you can contact that will tell you anything you want to know), I was trying to be nice and respectful, but he was very offended, and I think he is done with me, hopefully he won't try to exact any energetic revenge or send any negs after me
So here we are...I am now utterly alone and without purpose, at least insofar as my human 3D self. A week ago my life goal was, vaguely, to try to build up my positive energy and create a nice, pleasant, balanced 3D life for myself in hope of somehow "earning" my ticket out of here. Now I suppose I am still trying to build up my energy and be happy and kind to my human self, but its only for the purpose of having more to give away! So like I said in the beginning, I sure hope I'm not just crazy and that the Law of One is for real and I'm really a wanderer of some sort or another. If not, I just messed up everything I've worked for for the past year for no good reason!
At the moment I am quite terrified and feeling sick due to being afraid of continuing to interact with my parents as well as the aftershock of having an unpleasant interaction with my "healer", I absolutely cannot stand conflict, it destroys me emotionally. My 2nd/3rd chakra section is completely stopped up and filled with all the fear and rage and sorrow I've taken and eaten for the people around me, and I've not the slightest idea how to fix it, other than trying to be more consistent with diet and exercise and sexual abstinence.
Well, if anyone's read this far, thank you fellow wanderer for your time. If you have any spare nice warm fuzzy feelings to send my way, it would be greatly appreciated. And if you feel particularly led to try to help me, feel free to PM me, I could really use some kindred-spirited pen pals at the moment, since I've managed to scare away most everyone in my old life
Much to you all
Hi, by the way.
I'm a 25 year old male from USA. Raised fundamentalist Christian in a very fear and rage filled environment. Realized that the cosmology doesn't make sense, went searching for one that did, explored everything i could find, but never in any particular depth because my mind was acting like a guided missile, targeted for something that it subconsciously already knew, even if I didn't consciously realize what it was. It's taken me about 2 years to get from devoted Christian-missionary-oriented mind-slave to here.
Unfortunately in the middle of this when I was feeling particularly down (about a year ago) I got in touch with this pay-service shamanic healer who claimed that all my troubles were due to my parents' bad energy clogging up my energy field. And then claimed he was going to send said bad energy back to them. Being the sacrificial person that I am, I was like, no, why can't I keep holding it for them? And he was like no, it's their karma, it should be with them. So I was sullenly like, ok whatever, but I never really believed him, and I don't think his energy healing worked very well because I was never in a receptive state of mind and never really accepted the idea that my parents karma should be returned to them...I mean what would be the point of undoing 25 years of painful service?? However he convinced me to move out on my own and "live for myself" which I complied with because I figured I wasn't doing my parents much good while I was so overwhelmed by their fear and sadness and emotional violence.
At approximately the same time I contacted said healer, I also found the Law of One info as presented by Hidden Hand on the abovetopsecret.com forum which I was searching for ultra-fringe (the normal fringe being unsatisfying to me after I realized that people like Alex Jones aren't promoting love in any way, shape or form) information. When I read the part about 3D life being analogous to creating an avatar in a video game, I felt like I had found something I'd been looking for all my life. Nearly everything Hidden Hand and later Ra said, resonated with me more deeply and truly than anything I'd encountered before. But since my life and my emotional state were very shaky and volatile at the time, I never really did anything about it, I just let it sink into my heart for a while.
Enter the events of the last week. Because I'm so awesome I never stopped keeping in touch with my parents through email and occasional visits (despite this being incredibly painful for me because, I really don't like my parents at all, they terrify me due to things that happened in early childhood, the memories of which are mostly suppressed) all the time trying to get my dad to look past his fear-blinkered version of Christianity and look for the inner truths of infinite love/light. But it got more and more impossible to talk to him 'cause he just wouldn't listen and twisted and distorted everything I said. So I gave up. I told him I'm giving up, I intended never to talk to him again, I told my "healer" guy that I finally did what he was suggesting and cut off all contact with my parents. This was just last week remember.
Few days later...suddenly, I don't even remember why, I'm back to the Law of One website, (I never really read the whole thing originally), and I stumble across the part about "Wanderers". Finally, for the first time in my life, my life made sense, I had a story that could be my own. I Am Somebody, not just a wisp of glowing soul blowing about in the gale of other people's pain. Suddenly the Harvest was not the ghost of hope of a better life and shadow of fear of not-being-good-enough that it had been up to that point...it was the brilliantly shining possibility of imminent Homecoming, the restoration of the reality of all the echoes of memories that have haunted me with mysterious longing all my life. I'm alive again.
Within the next day or two I then found myself confronted with a dilemma...one that I'm sure came from above despite it not being accompanied by any particular metaphysical experience. The choice: now that I (think I) know who I am, do I set my sights on going Home as soon as possible, or do I agree to live out the coming adventure with the purpose of giving love/light to whoever I can? Obviously I chose the latter, 'cause that's how we roll. I desperately just want to go home, there is nothing left on this earth that's worth staying for, in fact sometimes it seems like my emotional attachments to things in this life have been deliberately, systematically removed by an outside force. But I have yet to have a single actual metaphysical/supernatural experience so I figure I'd better keep living as if I might be staying for a little while longer.
So then I started to wonder if, now that I've re-dedicated my life to STO (not that it hasn't been all along, but the single-minded focus and clarity has been lacking and consequently I need to clean up my personal habits and fix my very broken emotional world), now that I'm sure what the direction of my purpose is, I wondered whether I need to go back to trying to help my parents...cause I can't imagine any other reason I would have been subjected to them if not to be an energetic counterweight to their negativity. This morning I decided to do so, and have resumed the difficult email discussion. At the same time I asked my "healer" if he had considered that I might be an ET and he said I wasn't. By this time I was quite sure of and attached to my wanderer-ness and was momentarily rather distressed by this, until I remembered that this wasn't by any means the first thing he'd told me that simply did not resonate...so I told him so, and that I don't necessarily trust his source of supernatural information (he claims there are "spirits" that you can contact that will tell you anything you want to know), I was trying to be nice and respectful, but he was very offended, and I think he is done with me, hopefully he won't try to exact any energetic revenge or send any negs after me
So here we are...I am now utterly alone and without purpose, at least insofar as my human 3D self. A week ago my life goal was, vaguely, to try to build up my positive energy and create a nice, pleasant, balanced 3D life for myself in hope of somehow "earning" my ticket out of here. Now I suppose I am still trying to build up my energy and be happy and kind to my human self, but its only for the purpose of having more to give away! So like I said in the beginning, I sure hope I'm not just crazy and that the Law of One is for real and I'm really a wanderer of some sort or another. If not, I just messed up everything I've worked for for the past year for no good reason!
At the moment I am quite terrified and feeling sick due to being afraid of continuing to interact with my parents as well as the aftershock of having an unpleasant interaction with my "healer", I absolutely cannot stand conflict, it destroys me emotionally. My 2nd/3rd chakra section is completely stopped up and filled with all the fear and rage and sorrow I've taken and eaten for the people around me, and I've not the slightest idea how to fix it, other than trying to be more consistent with diet and exercise and sexual abstinence.
Well, if anyone's read this far, thank you fellow wanderer for your time. If you have any spare nice warm fuzzy feelings to send my way, it would be greatly appreciated. And if you feel particularly led to try to help me, feel free to PM me, I could really use some kindred-spirited pen pals at the moment, since I've managed to scare away most everyone in my old life
Much to you all