03-05-2010, 12:46 AM
Hello everyone.
I have been looking through your forums for about the last week now and decided it was time to announce myself. So I made an account and here I am
My name is Misty and I'm 22 -Waves-
I just want to say that you all seem like VERY amazing people and I'm very happy to have been shown this forum. I feel like its time for me to share with you so I can grown and learn. Just putting it out in the open makes me feel like I have the power to achieve.
Here goes -takes a deep breath-
I was sheltered. Never went anywhere or did anything and if I did it was with my mom.
My father was mentally abusive and I would get depressed when I saw other girls who had the relationship I wanted with my father. I wanted to be daddys little girl. I felt out of place and very lonely.
At age 13 I started to become a woman. My period arrived and so did my desire to be wanted/needed/loved. I had a void and I wanted it filled. I looked for something and found a boyfriend. He pushed me to be sexual. I gave in, I wanted his attention and it was the only way he would be around me. After I was done pleasing his sexual desire he would leave and go do something else. Leaving my hurt and alone. So I adapted and started to become more aggressive to urge him to stay and give him false hopes that more would go on if he did so. I was lucky to have never gone as far as losing my virginity to him. But I did EVERYTHING else. Eventually I started to like it. I felt less abused and started to enjoy it. It filled my void. I saw this as love. My parents didn't show each other affection around me. I saw them hug maybe once a day. They constantly fought and my dad was as mean to her as he was me and my brother. I continued to seek this sexual energy I saw as love from other boyfriends. It soon wasn't enough for me anymore and I started seeking it from women; then porn. But I was still empty.
I met my last boyfriend online ( almost a year and half ago). Where I spent most of my time. Flirting with others and seeking their sexual energy. I felt something from this person I had NEVER felt from anyone else in my life. He didn't seem to care about my sexual energy and cared about me as a person. I felt appreciated, admired, and loved. I however, did not know this at the time. I felt this amazing feeling and that's all I thought it was. Love to me was sexual energy. So I also seeked it from him. I neglected him because I wanted to be sexual. I put all my love into that. He eventually had enough and stopped caring about me as a girlfriend (who could blame him). I knew that the way I was acting was disrespectful to myself. It wasn't love, seeking it and giving it was only hurting me. Now I feel like all the love I should be able to show now is trapped in the girl I used to be. I don't feel any connection with that person i once was and hardly feel like it was even me.
I don't think I would of even realized this if it wasn't for my last boyfriend. He helped show me there was more to me than sex. We live together but are not in a relationship together. We share a room. I still feel very empty and he has tried to help me by telling me I need to love myself and stop focusing on him. I'm having a really hard time doing this. I still feel like I need him, like I want him. I can't respect his boundaries.
I really do love him, which I don't think I can say for anyone else I have ever been with. I don't feel nearly as much love for my family as I do him. I need to learn to be strong for myself, I need to learn to love myself. So I can properly love him. Whether it continue to be friendly or other. I have to learn to love now. Which I think I should of learned how to do when I was 13.
I'm struggling through this and am desperately looking for answers within myself so I can fix this and be a better person for me.
Thanks for listening
-Misty
I have been looking through your forums for about the last week now and decided it was time to announce myself. So I made an account and here I am
My name is Misty and I'm 22 -Waves-
I just want to say that you all seem like VERY amazing people and I'm very happy to have been shown this forum. I feel like its time for me to share with you so I can grown and learn. Just putting it out in the open makes me feel like I have the power to achieve.
Here goes -takes a deep breath-
I was sheltered. Never went anywhere or did anything and if I did it was with my mom.
My father was mentally abusive and I would get depressed when I saw other girls who had the relationship I wanted with my father. I wanted to be daddys little girl. I felt out of place and very lonely.
At age 13 I started to become a woman. My period arrived and so did my desire to be wanted/needed/loved. I had a void and I wanted it filled. I looked for something and found a boyfriend. He pushed me to be sexual. I gave in, I wanted his attention and it was the only way he would be around me. After I was done pleasing his sexual desire he would leave and go do something else. Leaving my hurt and alone. So I adapted and started to become more aggressive to urge him to stay and give him false hopes that more would go on if he did so. I was lucky to have never gone as far as losing my virginity to him. But I did EVERYTHING else. Eventually I started to like it. I felt less abused and started to enjoy it. It filled my void. I saw this as love. My parents didn't show each other affection around me. I saw them hug maybe once a day. They constantly fought and my dad was as mean to her as he was me and my brother. I continued to seek this sexual energy I saw as love from other boyfriends. It soon wasn't enough for me anymore and I started seeking it from women; then porn. But I was still empty.
I met my last boyfriend online ( almost a year and half ago). Where I spent most of my time. Flirting with others and seeking their sexual energy. I felt something from this person I had NEVER felt from anyone else in my life. He didn't seem to care about my sexual energy and cared about me as a person. I felt appreciated, admired, and loved. I however, did not know this at the time. I felt this amazing feeling and that's all I thought it was. Love to me was sexual energy. So I also seeked it from him. I neglected him because I wanted to be sexual. I put all my love into that. He eventually had enough and stopped caring about me as a girlfriend (who could blame him). I knew that the way I was acting was disrespectful to myself. It wasn't love, seeking it and giving it was only hurting me. Now I feel like all the love I should be able to show now is trapped in the girl I used to be. I don't feel any connection with that person i once was and hardly feel like it was even me.
I don't think I would of even realized this if it wasn't for my last boyfriend. He helped show me there was more to me than sex. We live together but are not in a relationship together. We share a room. I still feel very empty and he has tried to help me by telling me I need to love myself and stop focusing on him. I'm having a really hard time doing this. I still feel like I need him, like I want him. I can't respect his boundaries.
I really do love him, which I don't think I can say for anyone else I have ever been with. I don't feel nearly as much love for my family as I do him. I need to learn to be strong for myself, I need to learn to love myself. So I can properly love him. Whether it continue to be friendly or other. I have to learn to love now. Which I think I should of learned how to do when I was 13.
I'm struggling through this and am desperately looking for answers within myself so I can fix this and be a better person for me.
Thanks for listening
-Misty