08-19-2010, 10:25 AM
I feel that even a start along these lines might help Josh and the others struggling with this issue of valuing self when others devalue one's self. Figuring this out has been the major challenge of my life. I'll also integrate it into the Enneagram thread when I have more time for writing.
Picture courageous firefighters. These people transcend their fears and self-preservation instincts. They rush in to dangerous burning buildings and rescue people, saving them from painful death.
They use some very heavy duty tools for the job. Fire hoses get hooked up to hydrants or pump trucks, blasting immense amounts of water at very high pressure. Axes get swung to cut down doors, break through walls, smash apart burning debris to isolate the fuel sources so the hoses can put them out. Hoses can flood books and papers, damaging or totally destroying them. Axes can rip into the structure of a building, making holes where there were none. Hoses can make carpets soaked, leading to rot in the underlying floor boards.
But this damage doesn't matter. These are the least damaging things to do. If not for the axe and the hose, the whole building would have burned to the ground, and the lives inside would have been lost.
A firefighter would never dream of blasting water from a fire hose, or of swinging an axe to break down walls and smash apart furniture, unless there was abundant evidence that a fire was in progress right now. These tools are highly destructive. Not only do they cause massive property damage, if a person is too close, they can seriously injure or even kill a person. Throughout history, axes and water cannons are tools not just of firefighters but of soldiers, or police crowd control against rampaging mobs. A firefighter does not wield these tools casually. If they use them, they are responsible to the best of their training and ability. They are able to describe what happened, what they did and why they believed it was the best choice.
A decent good person would never grab the tools of a firefighter, soak property and knock people aside with fire hoses, rip apart what was constructed with an axe, unless it was an obvious emergency... a terrible catastrophe that demanded of ordinary people what usually requires a trained response from the experts.
These are very harsh weapons. A decent, good, loving person who wants to serve others, to see them happy and healthy, would never dream of using such destructive tools unless they were the last line of defense to put out a fire.
And if we used them, we would take responsibility, we would apologize for any collateral damage, we would tell the truth and help with insurance claims. So sorry that I turned on the fire hose while you were standing between me and the flames. I'll help you get physical therapy for that dislocated shoulder caused by the high-pressure water blast. So sorry that your desk is lying in splinters. If I hadn't smashed it, the fireball might have taken out the entire rest of the building. Would you like me to go with you as you shop for a new desk?
Let's look at the scene. Do you have your camera with you? Here are the embers, here's the break in the gas line, here is the downed power line that made the sparks. I'm so sad that in order to save you, we had to destroy the house and send you to the hospital. May I hold your hand while you recover from the burns?
This is what a decent person does.
So then water blasts and axe swings come into our lives. In life, people can smash each other up interpersonally with tools as harsh, as powerful, as destructive, as fire hoses and axes.
The fire hose of condemnation. The axe of abuse.
The fire hose of rejection. The axe of gossip.
The fire hose of indifference. The axe of open hostility.
The fire hose of passive-aggressive withdrawal. The axe of hatred.
The fire hose of withholding the truth of the situation, of what others really think and intend. The axe of deceit, lying, outright manipulation.
The fire hose of nonsensical B.S. The axe of dramatic, hyper, over the top outbursts.
The fire hose of self-aggrandizement. The axe of narcissistic demands for acclaim.
The fire hose of sweeping the truth of disagreement under the rug for the pretense of unity. The axe of insistence that you can't possibly know what is right for you or be trusted with your own choices.
The fire hose of threats, spoken or unspoken. The axe of outright violence.
The fire hose of polluting your world with messes you didn't want, didn't ask for and didn't cause. The axe of blaming you for making the messes and demanding that you clean them up, regardless of the cost to you.
Well we must be dealing with decent people. It's inconceivable that someone would be this damaging unless there was a fire to put it out.
So my heart is bleeding, not because I carelessly picked at a zit but because that's the path of an axe.
My bed lies in splinters, not because I prefer to sleep on shards but because it was smashed up with heavy blows.
My papers are strewn all over, stuck to each other and with the letters smeared beyond recognition. Not because I can't properly use a file cabinet, but because they were blasted with the water cannon.
In the bathroom, the towels are soaked through and useless. Not because I don't hang them up neatly after each use, but because the fire hose was used to shove huge streams of water through the room.
And I ask, since that wouldn't have been done if it wasn't necessary, then where's the fire?
There must have been something about my life that was a terrible risk to the lives of everyone around me.
And then we discover something appalling. There are some people who just spray and smash because they can. They do it whether or not there is a fire. And there are other people who hallucinate fires where there are none. They grab physical tools to smash a vision of hell on earth that only they can see. Both groups leave terrible damage behind them.
So we go to them and ask, Where was the fire? Why was it necessary to ruin my home and leave me with these bruises?
And they are astonished. They can't even imagine a life without an axe in hand. They can't conceive of any way to deal with a room full of papers other than hosing it down. They have no good answer. And they don't want to say: I'm so sorry I hurt you for no good reason. So instead, they make up a bad reason.
Well, don't you realize that you're such a bad guy. There was no other choice. This was for your own good. You would have destroyed everything otherwise. It's my job to put holes in walls whether or not there is a fire. You should thank me. How bad you are to not realize I saved your life. No, we may not look at the scene. No, you may not bring your camera. No, we may not talk about restitution. Quit picking at your zits, it's made that five inch gash expose your heart. Quit being messy with soggy papers, they're hard to read. You must be crazy to say I had anything to do with it.
In this way we become corrupted to join in the evil attacks against us.
It's time to say the obvious.
I got smashed and my home got chopped up. Ouch! Quit doing that! It wasn't fair! It had nothing to do with me! I deserve better!
As soon as we realize that, all the pack animal training- shoulders back, no more smell of fear, etc. - is useful. Because that's when we quit introducing ourselves hunched over, expecting the next blast, ducking in advance of the next swing, shouting "Where the hell is the fire in my life!" There is none and there never was.
I needed to express this mental image for my own process of healing. I hope it helps yours.
Picture courageous firefighters. These people transcend their fears and self-preservation instincts. They rush in to dangerous burning buildings and rescue people, saving them from painful death.
They use some very heavy duty tools for the job. Fire hoses get hooked up to hydrants or pump trucks, blasting immense amounts of water at very high pressure. Axes get swung to cut down doors, break through walls, smash apart burning debris to isolate the fuel sources so the hoses can put them out. Hoses can flood books and papers, damaging or totally destroying them. Axes can rip into the structure of a building, making holes where there were none. Hoses can make carpets soaked, leading to rot in the underlying floor boards.
But this damage doesn't matter. These are the least damaging things to do. If not for the axe and the hose, the whole building would have burned to the ground, and the lives inside would have been lost.
A firefighter would never dream of blasting water from a fire hose, or of swinging an axe to break down walls and smash apart furniture, unless there was abundant evidence that a fire was in progress right now. These tools are highly destructive. Not only do they cause massive property damage, if a person is too close, they can seriously injure or even kill a person. Throughout history, axes and water cannons are tools not just of firefighters but of soldiers, or police crowd control against rampaging mobs. A firefighter does not wield these tools casually. If they use them, they are responsible to the best of their training and ability. They are able to describe what happened, what they did and why they believed it was the best choice.
A decent good person would never grab the tools of a firefighter, soak property and knock people aside with fire hoses, rip apart what was constructed with an axe, unless it was an obvious emergency... a terrible catastrophe that demanded of ordinary people what usually requires a trained response from the experts.
These are very harsh weapons. A decent, good, loving person who wants to serve others, to see them happy and healthy, would never dream of using such destructive tools unless they were the last line of defense to put out a fire.
And if we used them, we would take responsibility, we would apologize for any collateral damage, we would tell the truth and help with insurance claims. So sorry that I turned on the fire hose while you were standing between me and the flames. I'll help you get physical therapy for that dislocated shoulder caused by the high-pressure water blast. So sorry that your desk is lying in splinters. If I hadn't smashed it, the fireball might have taken out the entire rest of the building. Would you like me to go with you as you shop for a new desk?
Let's look at the scene. Do you have your camera with you? Here are the embers, here's the break in the gas line, here is the downed power line that made the sparks. I'm so sad that in order to save you, we had to destroy the house and send you to the hospital. May I hold your hand while you recover from the burns?
This is what a decent person does.
So then water blasts and axe swings come into our lives. In life, people can smash each other up interpersonally with tools as harsh, as powerful, as destructive, as fire hoses and axes.
The fire hose of condemnation. The axe of abuse.
The fire hose of rejection. The axe of gossip.
The fire hose of indifference. The axe of open hostility.
The fire hose of passive-aggressive withdrawal. The axe of hatred.
The fire hose of withholding the truth of the situation, of what others really think and intend. The axe of deceit, lying, outright manipulation.
The fire hose of nonsensical B.S. The axe of dramatic, hyper, over the top outbursts.
The fire hose of self-aggrandizement. The axe of narcissistic demands for acclaim.
The fire hose of sweeping the truth of disagreement under the rug for the pretense of unity. The axe of insistence that you can't possibly know what is right for you or be trusted with your own choices.
The fire hose of threats, spoken or unspoken. The axe of outright violence.
The fire hose of polluting your world with messes you didn't want, didn't ask for and didn't cause. The axe of blaming you for making the messes and demanding that you clean them up, regardless of the cost to you.
Well we must be dealing with decent people. It's inconceivable that someone would be this damaging unless there was a fire to put it out.
So my heart is bleeding, not because I carelessly picked at a zit but because that's the path of an axe.
My bed lies in splinters, not because I prefer to sleep on shards but because it was smashed up with heavy blows.
My papers are strewn all over, stuck to each other and with the letters smeared beyond recognition. Not because I can't properly use a file cabinet, but because they were blasted with the water cannon.
In the bathroom, the towels are soaked through and useless. Not because I don't hang them up neatly after each use, but because the fire hose was used to shove huge streams of water through the room.
And I ask, since that wouldn't have been done if it wasn't necessary, then where's the fire?
There must have been something about my life that was a terrible risk to the lives of everyone around me.
And then we discover something appalling. There are some people who just spray and smash because they can. They do it whether or not there is a fire. And there are other people who hallucinate fires where there are none. They grab physical tools to smash a vision of hell on earth that only they can see. Both groups leave terrible damage behind them.
So we go to them and ask, Where was the fire? Why was it necessary to ruin my home and leave me with these bruises?
And they are astonished. They can't even imagine a life without an axe in hand. They can't conceive of any way to deal with a room full of papers other than hosing it down. They have no good answer. And they don't want to say: I'm so sorry I hurt you for no good reason. So instead, they make up a bad reason.
Well, don't you realize that you're such a bad guy. There was no other choice. This was for your own good. You would have destroyed everything otherwise. It's my job to put holes in walls whether or not there is a fire. You should thank me. How bad you are to not realize I saved your life. No, we may not look at the scene. No, you may not bring your camera. No, we may not talk about restitution. Quit picking at your zits, it's made that five inch gash expose your heart. Quit being messy with soggy papers, they're hard to read. You must be crazy to say I had anything to do with it.
In this way we become corrupted to join in the evil attacks against us.
It's time to say the obvious.
I got smashed and my home got chopped up. Ouch! Quit doing that! It wasn't fair! It had nothing to do with me! I deserve better!
As soon as we realize that, all the pack animal training- shoulders back, no more smell of fear, etc. - is useful. Because that's when we quit introducing ourselves hunched over, expecting the next blast, ducking in advance of the next swing, shouting "Where the hell is the fire in my life!" There is none and there never was.
I needed to express this mental image for my own process of healing. I hope it helps yours.
