06-06-2009, 07:25 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-07-2009, 12:18 AM by Steppingfeet.)
Xlsander,
Sometimes I think about what has run through your mind. I like to say that my thoughts on death and vacation are not dissimilar. I often look forward to the end of this. Breathing air here and attempting to walk this world seems so oppressive, painful, and impossible an affair. For no apparent reason I often find myself in the tightest of contracted spaces - away from the warmth and comfort of love and meaning; out in the cold and disoriented, rather lost in the darkness of chaos and confusion. Sometimes, and I have heard others say this as well, it is not so much that I want to commit suicide, but rather that I would just love not to exist.
It seems so simple and effective a solution to end the pain! If there is no me to experience the pain, then there is no experience of the pain! Just nothing.
But, time passes and my inner experience changes. What was once contraction becomes expansion, what was once a tightly closed heart becomes a heart beating with gratitude to be alive and to be experiencing this planet. What was once "Please go away", becomes, "Come here, I want to hug you!"
In the "good" times, I can forget how hard life here can be. I am full of vitality and positivity that I think I could climb any mountain and tackle any challenge. I look back upon my life as a thing to be amazed about and proud of. I see success, even in my missteps. I look forward and see nothing but sunshine.
And when the "bad" times inevitably roll over me, seemingly out of nowhere, often without external trigger, I think that I cannot take another step further without imploding. I wonder how I've done it all along. I look back over my life and see years of suffering. I look forward and see a bleak and lifeless horizon, a landscape bereft of meaning, purpose, and love.
You see, perception is so convincing a thing. Depending on the distortions dominating our mind in the moment, we can judge the entirety of our incarnation in positive or negative terms. A simple bad mood may become so strong that we become certain that our entire life is not worth the effort. Or a moment of joy may be so overwhelming that we cry for gratitude, honest to God gratitude for every moment of pain we've experienced. Our emotional experiences, those blockages we hold in the lower energy centers, they cast a lens over our eyes through which we view the world. When blockage is present, they create a view of the world and our selves which is more, rather than less, distorted.
I do not know of a sure-fire technique that can help you to break through the brooding, dark clouds of despair and suffering. I know from my own experience that these experiences can be so intense and overwhelming that the self becomes absolutely convinced that there is no light in sight; further, that light and love themselves do not even exist.
I have entered dark places that do not seem to respond well to efforts to exit them. They come and they go of their own accord, wax and wane in intensity to their own rhythm, and seem to crunch my sense of self into a small space without my consent.
In the heart of this darkness, however, there are two faculties which have been of great aid to me, not in eliminating these episodes, but in helping me to cope with that which tries my soul.
Those faculties are hope and faith. These can be called upon when drowning in waters you do not understand. Faith and hope are those faculties that allow you to TRUST that the light which you cannot see IS indeed there; the shore which you cannot stand upon will be again be available; and the love which you cannot feel IS present in that seemingly loveless moment.
These qualities are not invoked to make everything "better" again - they are not magical antidotes to eliminate the suffering and escape the pain. Rather, they help you to carve out a tiny hole in the curtain of suffering which allows you to see what the suffering hides from you - that being that you are not alone and never have been alone - that being that you exist under a blue sky filled with sunlight - that being that the Creator loves you with an intensity and surety that, the slightest touch of which, would dispel every iota of darkness in your heart.
With faith, you can trust that that which you are experiencing is just that: an experience. With faith you can pull your sense of self ever so slightly away from the experience that you gain some breathing room and can see, finally, not with your physical eyes but with the inward eye, that you are NOT the meaningless, you are NOT the contraction, you are NOT that which seems stronger than you. Rather, you are bigger than the pain, you transcend the pain, and you can choose to relate to it with strength, courage, and hope in your heart.
In the experience of suffering, you are aware of pain, you are aware of confusion, you are aware of whatever it is you are aware. Follow that awareness. Ask yourself what it is that is aware within yourself. Obviously, you can perceive this pain. Who is it that is doing the perceiving? Who is it that is tied into a knot? What watches the knot? You are not the darkness, Xlsander, you are the one watching ALL experiences come and go. Tracing your awareness back to its source is one method of finding that true, unchangeable self within, where your power resides.
There is nothing so bad, Xlsander, that it cannot be faced within. There is no catalyst more powerful than you. Your power comes not from forcing your catalyst to the ground by sheer force of will and making yourself feel better. Rather, your power is found in knowing that you are more than what you experience. Thus you can bring your focus to a calm and gentle acceptance of that which is occurring to you, no matter how terrible it may seem to be.
My personal first rule of spiritual evolution is this: Relax. I find that when I can release, cell by cell, energy flow by energy flow, all the turmoil and tension inside, when I can breathe deeply and bring my attention to the moment, I can gently, calmly, slowly focus on what is happening. Even when it hurts so bad that I'm twisted into ten different shapes, if I begin to take it easy and gently, then the intensity reduces and I can face that which the self is, for one reason or another, resisting.
Though easy times and difficult, you must press on, you must continue to do the work. With each attempt to turn the attention to prayer, praise, and thanksgiving, you add one grain of sand to the waters that surround you. Eventually, I assure you, ground will arise upon which you may stand. That ground, of course, is metaphysical ground -- it is the ground of self-knowledge and self-acceptance from which you can witness, from a safe and loving distance, the changing seas and weather patterns.
Standing upon that ground with love in your heart, you will observe your catalyst with equanimity. You will observe without becoming entangled in the drama of the destructive currents of life under the veil, those currents which grind away one life in order to reveal the true life within.
I hope that the love poured forth from the hearts of Monica and others will have reached you, demonstrating that this universe hears your calls and responds with compassion --- desiring only that you, through your own free choice, find your way to love in and through the darkness.
Love, from my heart to yours. : )
Sometimes I think about what has run through your mind. I like to say that my thoughts on death and vacation are not dissimilar. I often look forward to the end of this. Breathing air here and attempting to walk this world seems so oppressive, painful, and impossible an affair. For no apparent reason I often find myself in the tightest of contracted spaces - away from the warmth and comfort of love and meaning; out in the cold and disoriented, rather lost in the darkness of chaos and confusion. Sometimes, and I have heard others say this as well, it is not so much that I want to commit suicide, but rather that I would just love not to exist.
It seems so simple and effective a solution to end the pain! If there is no me to experience the pain, then there is no experience of the pain! Just nothing.
But, time passes and my inner experience changes. What was once contraction becomes expansion, what was once a tightly closed heart becomes a heart beating with gratitude to be alive and to be experiencing this planet. What was once "Please go away", becomes, "Come here, I want to hug you!"
In the "good" times, I can forget how hard life here can be. I am full of vitality and positivity that I think I could climb any mountain and tackle any challenge. I look back upon my life as a thing to be amazed about and proud of. I see success, even in my missteps. I look forward and see nothing but sunshine.
And when the "bad" times inevitably roll over me, seemingly out of nowhere, often without external trigger, I think that I cannot take another step further without imploding. I wonder how I've done it all along. I look back over my life and see years of suffering. I look forward and see a bleak and lifeless horizon, a landscape bereft of meaning, purpose, and love.
You see, perception is so convincing a thing. Depending on the distortions dominating our mind in the moment, we can judge the entirety of our incarnation in positive or negative terms. A simple bad mood may become so strong that we become certain that our entire life is not worth the effort. Or a moment of joy may be so overwhelming that we cry for gratitude, honest to God gratitude for every moment of pain we've experienced. Our emotional experiences, those blockages we hold in the lower energy centers, they cast a lens over our eyes through which we view the world. When blockage is present, they create a view of the world and our selves which is more, rather than less, distorted.
I do not know of a sure-fire technique that can help you to break through the brooding, dark clouds of despair and suffering. I know from my own experience that these experiences can be so intense and overwhelming that the self becomes absolutely convinced that there is no light in sight; further, that light and love themselves do not even exist.
I have entered dark places that do not seem to respond well to efforts to exit them. They come and they go of their own accord, wax and wane in intensity to their own rhythm, and seem to crunch my sense of self into a small space without my consent.
In the heart of this darkness, however, there are two faculties which have been of great aid to me, not in eliminating these episodes, but in helping me to cope with that which tries my soul.
Those faculties are hope and faith. These can be called upon when drowning in waters you do not understand. Faith and hope are those faculties that allow you to TRUST that the light which you cannot see IS indeed there; the shore which you cannot stand upon will be again be available; and the love which you cannot feel IS present in that seemingly loveless moment.
These qualities are not invoked to make everything "better" again - they are not magical antidotes to eliminate the suffering and escape the pain. Rather, they help you to carve out a tiny hole in the curtain of suffering which allows you to see what the suffering hides from you - that being that you are not alone and never have been alone - that being that you exist under a blue sky filled with sunlight - that being that the Creator loves you with an intensity and surety that, the slightest touch of which, would dispel every iota of darkness in your heart.
With faith, you can trust that that which you are experiencing is just that: an experience. With faith you can pull your sense of self ever so slightly away from the experience that you gain some breathing room and can see, finally, not with your physical eyes but with the inward eye, that you are NOT the meaningless, you are NOT the contraction, you are NOT that which seems stronger than you. Rather, you are bigger than the pain, you transcend the pain, and you can choose to relate to it with strength, courage, and hope in your heart.
In the experience of suffering, you are aware of pain, you are aware of confusion, you are aware of whatever it is you are aware. Follow that awareness. Ask yourself what it is that is aware within yourself. Obviously, you can perceive this pain. Who is it that is doing the perceiving? Who is it that is tied into a knot? What watches the knot? You are not the darkness, Xlsander, you are the one watching ALL experiences come and go. Tracing your awareness back to its source is one method of finding that true, unchangeable self within, where your power resides.
There is nothing so bad, Xlsander, that it cannot be faced within. There is no catalyst more powerful than you. Your power comes not from forcing your catalyst to the ground by sheer force of will and making yourself feel better. Rather, your power is found in knowing that you are more than what you experience. Thus you can bring your focus to a calm and gentle acceptance of that which is occurring to you, no matter how terrible it may seem to be.
My personal first rule of spiritual evolution is this: Relax. I find that when I can release, cell by cell, energy flow by energy flow, all the turmoil and tension inside, when I can breathe deeply and bring my attention to the moment, I can gently, calmly, slowly focus on what is happening. Even when it hurts so bad that I'm twisted into ten different shapes, if I begin to take it easy and gently, then the intensity reduces and I can face that which the self is, for one reason or another, resisting.
Though easy times and difficult, you must press on, you must continue to do the work. With each attempt to turn the attention to prayer, praise, and thanksgiving, you add one grain of sand to the waters that surround you. Eventually, I assure you, ground will arise upon which you may stand. That ground, of course, is metaphysical ground -- it is the ground of self-knowledge and self-acceptance from which you can witness, from a safe and loving distance, the changing seas and weather patterns.
Standing upon that ground with love in your heart, you will observe your catalyst with equanimity. You will observe without becoming entangled in the drama of the destructive currents of life under the veil, those currents which grind away one life in order to reveal the true life within.
I hope that the love poured forth from the hearts of Monica and others will have reached you, demonstrating that this universe hears your calls and responds with compassion --- desiring only that you, through your own free choice, find your way to love in and through the darkness.
Love, from my heart to yours. : )
Explanation by the tongue makes most things clear, but love unexplained is clearer. - Rumi