My one place to share my thoughts, mostly on my personal experience.
December 14 ,2018
Published by B61zz13 on December 15, 2018 5:07am. Category: Journal Entry
The mental/emotional changes that Winter brings are starting to affect me. Despite being in a fairly moderate city in terms of climate, the wind chill is enough to ache the nerves and bones on my hands. The minor arthritis on my knees and hands is slightly more apparent. To top it all, the holiday seasons are not too kind to me emotionally, and depression is a common guest. Nevertheless, I come better equipped thanks to the help of meditation. Meditation has been the biggest aid to adding comfort to my life in the absence of my family. My meditations have not been as profound as of lately, mostly because of my depressions and other surface catalyst (I would assume) but I never go in with the expectation of achieving nirvana or any other hocus pocus form of enlightenment. I think I would like to be disappointed in the more mundane of things and not in the spiritual sense! I've been substituting caffeinated coffee with decaffeinated options. I'm still adapting I suppose. I don't mind the flavor of coffee, but the sugar makes me a little sleepy. The taste of coffee may never fully be substituted. All is well. Nothing is lost.
Published by B61zz13 on December 5, 2018 6:55am. Category: Journal Entry
My attempt to meditate as of today went well, although my appreciation for such attemps can sometimes come short. I didn't necessarily berate nor scold the self, but I certainly was a bit annoyed over the "results". My knees felt a dull but bothersome pain when in my sitting position, and I kept feeling itchy on certain parts of my legs and having to scratch myself to provide relief. I won't try to amuse you with the idea that it is possible to enjoy meditating in the backseat of your car, but what else can I do? Lol. As a balancing act, all I could do is sigh and say, "this shall do." For the days to follow, I shall try to go for a walk first prior to meditating in order to stretch my tendons and muscles and let my skin breathe. I remembered how effective that addition was for my meditation on Sunday. I did some budgeting as to figure out how much money I need to earn just to stay afloat while driving for Uber. I certainly don't need an absurd amount, but it helps to also plan for future monetary goals that I may want to reach, especially if I want to save some money, pay off debt, etc. I have achieved a good baseline. Speaking of baseline, it's been a good couple of months since I've implemented a very simple, consistent meal plan to my daily routine. I found it to be the most effective to follow, as it fulfills my daily nutritional values, and most importantly, my fiber intake to help alleviate my issues with emptying my stool with hemorrhoids. One major change that I will have to undergo is my consumption of coffee. I only drink a daily dose of 12 ounces a day of dark roast coffee, a relatively harmless amount for most users. However, my mood swings are starting to reappear once again, and caffeine is likely at fault, even at small amounts. I end up feeling mad or even depressed for no reason, with little to no fault from the other person that I'm interacting with. It's a hindrance that I personally don't need, as I see it. I've abstained from consuming caffeine altogether before, so it'll have to be done. I know of the immediate benefits to doing so, but oh lord I love the aroma and bold taste of coffee! Ye shall be missed. All is well. Nothing is lost
Published by B61zz13 on December 1, 2018 2:35am. Category: Journal Entry
It's been a while, and more than likely, my posts will have a couple "whiles" placed in between, so the lack of consistency will always be there, until further notice lol. I apologize for the formatting as well, as I'm doing this on my phone, a note-taking app to say the least. I saw a white owl a few days ago, flying past my car as I merged into the highway/freeway. I'm no stranger to these sightings, as I've encountered the white owl many a moons ago and many times to follow. I took it as a sign for a transition in life, call it a mini-death so to speak. Not sure if it serves as a "checkpoint" in my life but I've certainly passed a couple of hurdles this November. Synchronicities never really show themselves their true meaning. The more I think I know, the more I truly don't know and find comfort in having faith that all is well. A few transitions in my life are heading my way for sure. I'm at the stage where I want to start creating "things". I already have a meme page and making original memes as a means to channel my "negativity" into positivity, and bring humor of course. I'm starting to realize the wants and needs of people around me and I want to contribute to those wants and needs. I'm building my own gifts to give, so to speak. The student is becoming the teacher. I also would love to visit Jim and do some meditations and partake in channelings some day. Doing healings is in the back of my mind, although Ra has pointed out the initiations that do accompany such undertakings. Nevertheless, it is a possibility I don't want to brush over. I'm having some pains on my fingers, ankles and knees as of lately. I can't certainly run 3 miles as consistent as I used to a few years ago. I've resorted to doing 30-minute walks and calistenics every half a mile as a means to keep my muscular strength and enjoy nature however way I can. I was going to go back to school this Spring Semester but the VA presented another roadblock for veterans to receive their GI Bill housing allowance. Rather than being a statistic, I'm letting them resolve the problems. Hope it doesn't take more than a few months to fix! I can only speak of the current events around my life simply because I'm still trying to find a proper format in which to discuss metaphysical matters in a more concise and wholesome manner. Not to say that my life is not filled with such matters, but I'd like to make my focus more selfless and universal. I'll figure out a way within the next post or so. For the time being, I'm reading posts from @the_law_of_one on Instagram and the transcripts featured on the Bring4th homepage on a daily basis, as well as recently reading Jim's blogs more often. Glad that Jim is going through the Law of One sessions from the start again, I feel like I'm actually getting even more bits and pieces of golden nuggets I've missed. I think we all do.
Published by B61zz13 on February 13, 2018 4:48am. Category: Journal Entry
Big things, little things, what can I say? As a witness and someone who's experienced all that has been experienced, a lot of the intentions and actions set forth from the past have driven me forward and paid "dividends". It's not that when I was experiencing such and such moments, I did not fully immerse myself in the catalyst or temptations that were provided to me. It's more of the fact I am starting to become more aware of such building blocks organizing themselves and shaping into something like a temple I can worship... okay, I sort of exaggerated that last part to be honest, but it's one way of illustrating my point.
In retrospect, a lot of the catalyst I have faced in my life have occurred and reoccurred again like a skipping record, while others have come in support of the direction from I choose to seek within. This way as well be a chapter of my life where my fruits are bearing semblance into, well, fruits. Synonymous with Spring, I guess.
To be honest, I've shifted gears away from looking at things from an abstract way, while simultaneously turning away from having to speak of such things in any attempt to have any logical or tangible grasp of them. It gets "tiring" having to wrap my minds around such mysteries and leave them as such: mysteries. The most appropriate way I can explain this: I'm living in the "now", more than ever. I'm here. I am all of the above, none of the above. Anything and everything, nothing and nothing else.
Till then, take care. All is well. Nothing is lost.
Published by B61zz13 on August 29, 2017 3:12am. Category: Journal Entry
Nothing crazy so far, but one big change I've done for myself lately is strictly limit my caffeine consumption. For even my lifelong companion, coffee, had to be heavily limited from being around me.
While on my work (and during my time off as well), I would drink an energy drink almost every day. It became a ritual for me, almost a normalcy to add to my daily routine. I went back and forth with the issue that it was the fact that I needed to get rid of the consumption of sugar (or at least a good majority of it) from my diet. I would switch between sugar-free energy drinks to drinking sugared energy drinks and coffee.
It turns out that both options weren't even viably sustainable for me anymore. Sugar-free energy drinks, while free of sugar and a possible crash, messed with my stool; and sugared energy drinks, while not impacting my stool as long as I continued my well dosages of water throughout the day, left me feeling sluggish at times and just "something that I had to push through". It got to the point where even energy drinks made me sick regardless, and I decided to withdraw from them, cold turkey.
Last week, I began feeling these headaches after 2-3 days of not consuming any form of caffeine, whether coffee, energy drinks, or tea. My work days turned into half-days and only did about 4 hours each day. However, after those days, I felt somewhat better. like my energy source was "cleaner" in some way. It wasn't too impactful in the short term, like having an insane boost after withdrawing, but in the long term, I definitely felt like the energy I was getting was far more natural and I only had to rely on drinking water. Speaking of water, I ended up drinking almost a whole gallon each day as well, something I haven't done in a while.
I only allowed myself to get a cup of coffee the past Saturday because it was more of a reward and not a necessity for me. I started to not like the feeling of caffeine now. I really do sincerely love coffee, and have done so for many years (I got that from my mom, thanks to her) but if I do really want to enjoy it, I will consume far less caffeine in general and save the craving for maybe once or twice a week.
Energy drinks are out of the question, even if it's only 8 ounces at the very minimum. I'd rather drink coffee and control the amount of sugar in it. The plan stays as such: drink only 1 cup of coffee a week, nothing greater than 12 ounces in that does.
In another time, in another place... but no matter what, I'm here in the now.
Published by B61zz13 on January 6, 2017 9:47pm. Category: Journal Entry
No fancy way to start this entry. It's been an interesting month, changing gears and facing certain catalysts of a different sort. Prior to ending my semester at college, I asked a couple of other girls for their number and to see where things may go. I hope to set up some dates with them. It's unfortunate that I can't meet them all too soon, simply because I asked a handful of them out. I'll have to plan accordingly and prioritize whom I prefer going out with.
I flew from home to visit my parents in Miami. In fact, I'm still here in Miami until mid-January. I decided not to drive here, and left the car with my roommate. I didn't feel like driving for 12+ days, from and back to California in total. Gas prices haven't lowered during the winter months, which is a surprise. Everything pointed to me taking a plane, and thus was a more favorable choice.
Adjusting to staying at my parents was a bit rough at first. Not that there is dysfunction and chaos in the household, but sometimes I found my mom annoying at times. I don't know, something like that. Either way though, most of that tension was internal and rather a sign that I was trying to adjust to my new surroundings... or maybe I'm just rationalizing lol
Anyways, I'm convinced that the Mercury Retrograde brought great catalyst to deal with and filter down the roots of my mind, body and spirit. A small moment in this big universe but nonetheless helpful. Not much need to go in depth of this phenomenon.
It's been really harmonious in the household, with my parents and younger sister. It's a very different feel, compared to last year. I allow my mom and dad to be themselves more and more, and being like a mirror and a sounding board to them is really comforting. It's not that this is all a conscious exercise or that I'm doing this forcefully, but I know I've done a lot of growing this past year, and it's definitely having a positive effect to those around me. Can't be short of humble here.
I've been diving down the oceans of consciousness each night, questioning myself, "Who am I?" (it sounds cliche, but it really is helpful). The more and more I journey on, the more am I convinced that this has to do with polarity less and less, at least for me. As Ra said, "...there is no polarity, no right or wrong, no disharmony, only polarity" (Session 4.20) (funny how the digits "420" have been appearing more and more synchronistically). I struggle less and less with the idea of being more service-to-others or not to be too compassionate or wise. Of course, it's all a balancing act, and we will always be thrown into a mess of imbalances and feeling a lack of one essence over the other. However, all of that comes with the present moments, the "now". I'm starting to see the distinction of darkness and light far easier, most certainly, but more am I realizing that these two sides are of the same coin. I find no fault in those who choose STS over STO. It's just as viable as choosing the latter. It's not even something I can just rationalize, but rather feel in my heart. I accept it all.
The few things that have been confusing me more is, "what inspires me now?" I know what I want as any profession, yet I know there are other things in life that I wouldn't mind getting a detour through. I'm in that weird phase where I should plan my future goals and endeavors ahead and no matter what, go along with it despite any doubts I may have. That's what I intuit.
What's to come? Well, either I go back to school or take a last shot at going back in the military for a few months, maybe even more. Whatever I choose, I know I shall choose well. Aside from that, it'll be all is well. Nothing is lost.
Published by B61zz13 on December 17, 2016 3:54am. Category: Journal Entry
Okay, first with the minor updates. I bought a diary so I could handwrite my thoughts throughout the course of the day. It's really handy for making to-do lists as well. It's just something I slightly prefer over doing it on my phone, despite how sophisticated mobile apps can be. It's a good stress reliever to press down on my diary with my pen and release some tension that way. I'll keep mostly broad, but major updates posted here from hereon out. My dream log will go on my diary as well... I think some of the dreams I had are not safe for work to share, so that's also the best course of action hehe.
I'm almost done with my classes. I'm not too optimistic of my grades for my Biology and Music class, and I might have barely passed my Communications class, but alas I held on the best I could. Just two more finals left...
I'll be flying to Miami to visit my parents next week. I'm pretty glad, mostly because it's the end of the school semester and feels like a much-needed time to relax and at least focus on other aspects of my life, such as family and being of service in other ways.
Speaking of stress, stress, and more stress, I took a look at the biorhythms graph to see if there was any possible connection to the recent catalyst I've dealt with. Lo and behold, a coincidence has been found... a rather useful resource, on top of that.
Today has been rather rough, and some of my earlier diary entries unfold these difficulties in a gradual manner. The "physical" and "adept" cycle cross at 0% as of today. Essentially, I've had to deal with some catalyst revolving sexual dynamics and whatnot. It's been rough, confusing, and a lot of entanglements. I've been getting better at becoming more composed and working around roadblocks, as they've been numerous this whole month. I'll probably cover more later on.
If you're interested in looking at your own biorhythm cycles, go to:
It's really neat and it's a little inconvenient that this nifty tool is not stickied or posted close to the front page of this website. Nonetheless, give it a try and see how they fit in your life. You might find some relevance in it
Aside from that, I've just been finding it really interesting how time has actually been feeling more and more slow... or at my perception of it. It's like I've been going through so much lately that when I look at my earlier diary entries or even my blog posts here, it's only been like a few days since I last went to the gym or even a little over a week posted on this website. It's so easy to feel lost and get derailed by constant bombardment of catalyst, that we fail to forget that it's only been a few days or even a week that we've done great strides, even if it's just "doings" in our lives. I definitely do this quite a bit, and I'm glad to have a handy dandy diary and this blog to help me ground myself.
Rule of thumb: keep track of what you've done throughout the day, from as small as checking your emails, to making important phone calls. I look at "The Camelot Journal of L/L Research" on the blogs section and I find it a great tool of reference to follow. Anyways, things are looking a bit more hopeful now. I can feel it. It's just a little, weary smile on my face. Alas, it's still a smile. All is well. Nothing is lost.
Published by B61zz13 on December 6, 2016 5:32am. Category: General
November has been about taking action and breaking from the mold, in some ways. I started some new habits, removed some old vices (or what was thought to be vices) from my life, and looked to improve in a number of other ways as time went by. It was a strong contrast in comparison to October, in terms of external action and what I chose to manifest into waking life.
As time went by, I have made some thoughtful discoveries about myself, some which hid in plain sight... under my nose all along. I thought about some of the times that my mom made mention of me and my “lack of friends”. I would be dismissive of these statements, taking them as an offense of some sort. For some odd reason, I realized that my connections with others was hardly evident, and the lack of friends seemed very apparent. It didn't come in the form of loneliness or desperation for the need of others in my life, but rather in the daily congregation with other classmates. I feel a very distinct barrier between me and others whenever we talk. It's not the exact words that are spoken or even non-verbally communicated that is what I'm emphasizing on, but rather this feeling I have... the feeling that the other students around me want to engage with me further, but they seem to not be able to follow up with me.
I spoke with my mom about this and it really did help me bond with her as well, while trying to figure this whole conundrum. I'm still working on it, actually.
Well, I didn't want to go overboard with this summary and just wanted to keep it short. Staying in shape, finding new discoveries, and doing some “house cleaning” has been the summation of November. I'll be looking forward to December and, well, life itself. All is well, nothing is lost.
Just take it easy and let the Creator find the remedy
Published by B61zz13 on November 19, 2016 6:42am. Category: Journal Entry
Last night, I was having shortness of breath... you know, that feeling where you feel like something takes your breath away, in the literal sense that is? It came to me at a seemingly random time (although not the first time I've experienced it), and it's been a while since I've experienced it. I was somewhat curious to find out about this phenomenon and it's come down to this:
1) it's a symptom of an anxiety attack or subconscious, emotional turmoil manifesting into a physical symptom;
2) backflow of blood from the lung to the heart again, heart disease, silent "heart attacks"; or
3) too much oxygen in the body
I'm more inclined to believe that it was a mixture of #1 and #3 and nothing too extreme such as having a heart attack in my mid-20s (I've heard crazy stories like that before, but I doubt it being plausible to my situation). I knew that I was having some form of emotional conflict within myself from earlier. As a "remedy" for the moment, I took slower breaths and just calmed myself... and let go of any sense of control and attempts of control over the situation.
I felt the lack of love flowing through me and out to the world. I just sat in silence and relinquished... and surrendered any attempts to find a means to control the situation. I knew that how I was in my Biology class was not entirely loving. Very serious, yet not a splash of love and easygoing present. Just heaviness, although that heaviness was somewhat necessary as catalyst. All I did was let it all go and let it drip off me. It was very healing for me, to sit with myself and let the Creator back into my life like that.
Aside from that, I did some cardio as to lessen the chances of having the shortness of breath come back. Just 16 minutes on the elliptical helps a lot. That's all I needed.
The questions that I've asked previously have been answered, and even one that I haven't even asked but pondered for a while has also taken form in a forum post elsewhere, and it has been answered as well. I looked at the biorhythms graph and compared the cycles within a 30-day window and perhaps it make sense that having two of the cycles meet at 0 earlier this week would cause some "friction".
All is well. Nothing is lost. Take it easy.
P.S. Here's a piece from Franz Liszt that has stuck to me recently. It's a short, but beautiful piece and I recommend you hear it for yourself :)