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+--- Thread: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance (/showthread.php?tid=18530)
Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - Glow - 09-03-2020
Have you ever dealt with this.
A primary relationship in my life changed just over a year and a half ago.
It was highly spiritually based. I’m not going to delve into it but suffice to say it was the relationship that pushed me through so much of my healing and required me to face all parts of myself. I received incredible amounts of specific direct guidance through it all.
But it’s changed drastically now and I accept it. It’s a loss but life goes on and I’ve found peace by releasing it.
Unfortunately though that year and a half I keep going through a loop, grieving the loss, accepting it, realizing it’s for the best, I’m doing well then all of a sudden I’m back in it living like it didn’t change. Like my brain resets and I forget it’s happened. Like my inner beliefs are some how so much more firmly grounded than what is experienced in reality.
I realize it’s cognitive disonence but I’ve honestly never experienced this before, and it’s rediculous how I move through it all completely then poof, like it never happened till I again realize it has. Every few months the cycle begins anew.
I guess much like someone waking up some morning and forgetting someone they love is dead for a few minutes, I hear that happens to people and this feel like that. It was like he died. The part of him I knew died or was buried alive.
He’s still in my life, he changed drastically but we have a new relationship it’s just I keep forgetting.
It breaks my heart for a few hours each time but I always move through it back to facing what is vs what was. I’ve been using my skill set of balancing, compassion, understanding, yada yada but obviously I am missing something.
I’d rather not keep starting the loop, any hints for stopping the reset/forgetting because holy crow. A year and a half it’s gotta stop.
Thanks so much
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - Sacred Fool - 09-04-2020
From what you describe, obviously, some part of you has not accepted the change in relationship status between you two.
In order to try to identify what part of you this is and what it is upset about, next time you have an episode, instead of smoothing over the feelings, you might try going deeper into them. Is there anger towards the unfairness/one-sidedness of it? Is this about fear? And so forth. Through some such process you might discover a sticking point: something unlovable or unpardonable.
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - flofrog - 09-04-2020
great advice from peregrine
I wonder Glow, would you also look into the past, like could there have been an injury, a wound precedent to that event, something done by someone else, way before, and suddenly the mental says, no, not that second time, not again, not that thing again.
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - Glow - 09-04-2020
(09-04-2020, 12:00 AM)peregrine Wrote: From what you describe, obviously, some part of you has not accepted the change in relationship status between you two.
In order to try to identify what part of you this is and what it is upset about, next time you have an episode, instead of smoothing over the feelings, you might try going deeper into them. Is there anger towards the unfairness/one-sidedness of it? Is this about fear? And so forth. Through some such process you might discover a sticking point: something unlovable or unpardonable.
Thanks Peregrine, I will try that.
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - Glow - 09-04-2020
(09-04-2020, 12:55 AM)flofrog Wrote: great advice from peregrine
I wonder Glow, would you also look into the past, like could there have been an injury, a wound precedent to that event, something done by someone else, way before, and suddenly the mental says, no, not that second time, not again, not that thing again.
There is a few significant losses. That’s why this is so bizarre to me. I have always been able to detatch move on completely. Mourn the loss but forgive and wish them well. Heal.
I guess one difference is we are still in each other’s lives.
Part of this person basically is gone though like would happen with dementia or some other illness that changes a person drastically over night. So it’s like I lost half of him. I really do not want to walk away from the half that remains because he’s still important to me.
So you might be right it’s like an old loss but different too.
I will look closer thanks Flo!
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - flofrog - 09-04-2020
Glow, I see.. In that case I don’t think it’s an old loss...
You are so right, it’s so much easier to heal when there’s no more link to present physical life, that’s so right on...
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - ada - 09-05-2020
Though I've no way of understanding your perspectives and just by words alone. I've a feeling that this person hasn't lost or changed, but rather is back to some form of spiritual sleep, by their pre-incarnative programing choice. We walk toward the light as much as we can at our pace I'd imagine.
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - Glow - 09-07-2020
(09-05-2020, 08:59 AM)ada Wrote: Though I've no way of understanding your perspectives and just by words alone. I've a feeling that this person hasn't lost or changed, but rather is back to some form of spiritual sleep, by their pre-incarnative programing choice. We walk toward the light as much as we can at our pace I'd imagine.
Certainly we can only do what we are able for sure. Been there.
There is an aspect of disassociating in this situation where a good part of the long-standing personality has been buried due to not being able to use catylist and addiction again used to disassociate.
I don’t fully feel it’s a just a return to soul sleep so much as an attempt to survive what seems unsurvivable to them. Soul pops up on occasion but the part of the personality it lived through has been blanked out or burried even from their own awareness/memory.
Walking away would be unnecessary additional catylist neither of us need so I’m trying to get on board as much as my little brain will allow.
Mentioned in another thread. “Patience, tolerance, the light touch.”
Patience - for his need to change
Tolerance for my difficulty fully processing it and patience with myself.
Light touch -
1. A delicate, careful, or sensitive approach to dealing with something.
2. A relaxed, humorous, or easygoing way of doing or approaching something.
I will keep the above in mind.
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - Glow - 09-07-2020
Is there an echo in here
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - Minyatur - 09-07-2020
To be honest, to me it sounds pretty normal. What came to mind in offering some help is that the difficulty of veiled 3D is self-honesty. Maybe you are not being totally honest with yourself on this matter and how you process it.
More than that your brain resets, it sounds to me like your emotional body comes at a point where it needs to empty the energy that it has been accumulating all along and was denying itself from consciously feeling, until it cannot really hold it in anymore. If you were really accepting things as they are, I do not believe you would be seeking to get over your own response as it comes, so from get go you are not accepting of what you feel and it makes it much less likely that you really came to accept the change within your friend. Acceptance is not a one time process, but an on-going attitude. Maybe you first need to learn to cherish your response, rather than see it as something to be overcome.
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - Glow - 09-07-2020
Hmmm that’s interesting.
I will think on that. Thanks
Edit. Oh god so yeah I think you nailed it.
I accept his need to change, I still accept him for who he is now, but good god my insides feel they might never be fully at peace that the parts of him that resonated so strongly with me are gone.
I have not been trying to control(trying to get him to change back) but obviously me trying to control or edit out my own biases to make things as easy and sustainable as possible isn’t working terribly well either.
Who knew humaning would be so complicated.
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - Diana - 09-08-2020
You may be overanalyzing, which keeps your focus on him. I think that's the problem—the continued focus on that which you likely need to let go of (focusing on something is a way to control it). You might try focusing on new relationships and activities. There is no magic bullet. All things (internal and external) will line up eventually if that's what you really want, in my opinion.
Here is an analogy: A person, Jack, doesn't fit into society, or so it seems to him. He doesn't agree with average people about anything, because he actually thinks for himself and his thoughts challenge the boundaries of any system. So he analyzes his situation, looking for reasons why he can't resonate with others and the systems he lives in. He may come to think he is a Wanderer or a Starseed. So he looks for validation of this idea everywhere, as he continues to fail at relationships, jobs, friendships. The validating never ends, because the analyzing never ends, because the core problems aren't addressed—just the results are noticed. The core problem may be that Jack really is a Wanderer, or an above-average-intelligence being, and for this reason he does not fit and likely never will. But here is the point: Jack can either focus on validating his origins (which he will never be able to convince himself of entirely because there is no way to "know" while here, so the validation must be ongoing; and this will be the basis of how he interacts with the world, always focusing on how he is different), or he can accept the situation he is in, and play to his "strengths" instead of his "weaknesses." He can turn his attention to creating instead of validating. In this way, he fulfills whatever destiny he has here and likely understands himself better in the process in the long run.
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - Glow - 09-08-2020
Not a great day for analogies for me just had the relationship end. Sorry Diane I will try with that at a later date.
I’m not sure the analogy holds because for months at a time I’m able to go with the flow vs focusing on the change.
Maybe when my head is clearer though I will see the connection better.
Regardless that was a lot to type so thanks.
For the record the only other lost relationships were abusive family members from my childhood not friends or chosen lived ones. Those I haven’t really lost just drifted from like most relationships.
As to this one I was really trying to maintain. He had the same childhood abuse I suffered and I was the first person he told at 32. We’ve been best friends with some hiccups ever since. I am protective because I got to heal and he didn’t have that gift.
Anyways seems this has resolved itself he just gave me silent treatment for a week after calling me almost daily through the week for years, I asked if he’d have time for a quick 5 minute chat this week before he goes away and he said no. lol
So I guess that’s that. I was trying to stay there as his one stable attachment but well that’s it.
Going to be easier now to get rid of the cognitive disonence I guess since he’s gone.
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - hounsic - 09-08-2020
You never know what the future has in store, there really are no goodbyes.
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - Glow - 09-08-2020
Thanks Hounsic, The future is infinite.
This wasn’t honestly maybe the healthiest for me for a long time, hence the cognitive disonence I guess.
I just tried to adjust enough for it to work so I could be there for him still. Still a loss but if there is a return from goodbye hopefully, it’ll come in a healthier form.
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - Ymarsakar - 09-12-2020
(09-03-2020, 10:07 PM)Glow Wrote: Have you ever dealt with this.
A primary relationship in my life changed just over a year and a half ago.
It was highly spiritually based. I’m not going to delve into it but suffice to say it was the relationship that pushed me through so much of my healing and required me to face all parts of myself. I received incredible amounts of specific direct guidance through it all.
But it’s changed drastically now and I accept it. It’s a loss but life goes on and I’ve found peace by releasing it.
Unfortunately though that year and a half I keep going through a loop, grieving the loss, accepting it, realizing it’s for the best, I’m doing well then all of a sudden I’m back in it living like it didn’t change. Like my brain resets and I forget it’s happened. Like my inner beliefs are some how so much more firmly grounded than what is experienced in reality.
I realize it’s cognitive disonence but I’ve honestly never experienced this before, and it’s rediculous how I move through it all completely then poof, like it never happened till I again realize it has. Every few months the cycle begins anew.
I guess much like someone waking up some morning and forgetting someone they love is dead for a few minutes, I hear that happens to people and this feel like that. It was like he died. The part of him I knew died or was buried alive.
He’s still in my life, he changed drastically but we have a new relationship it’s just I keep forgetting.
It breaks my heart for a few hours each time but I always move through it back to facing what is vs what was. I’ve been using my skill set of balancing, compassion, understanding, yada yada but obviously I am missing something.
I’d rather not keep starting the loop, any hints for stopping the reset/forgetting because holy crow. A year and a half it’s gotta stop.
Thanks so much
There's likely an energy attachment still tied, that you can choose to break or cut.
RE: Reoccurring cognitive dissonance - meadow-foreigner - 10-30-2020
One of the biggest working issues in 3D is the clear distinction of what is Self and what is other-Self, alongside The Choice to either accept what is "You" and what is not, balancing the so-called love/wisdom, the light as information with the Logos structure of The Creation;
or, instead, to not accept the other-Self as also being The Creator experiencing The Creation in specific ways uniquely tailored to the other-Self.
Non-acceptance leads to blockages, which beget self-destruction, or entropic, program.
It's a matter of great patience and wisdom to understand that other-Selves are on their own pathway to their evolution; to try and induce or force your preconceived notions towards another Self is not only naïve but also stems from the unbalanced Self within. Expectations and frustration derive from this unbalanced perspective, and thus comes suffering, disassociation, etc.