The world, environment just feels poisonous, nonstop. And now I am poisonous myself.

[sjel]

It really just feels like the poison of the environment is relentless, and even after many days of being conscious, I just go right back to being sick in the mind and body - each time worse than the last. Everything just feels like constant poison oozing out of the air into my lungs and bones and brain. And now I've started to be poisonous too. The past week I've been pretty much a nonstop a****** to my brother and mom. Like really very poisonous. Last night I continuously provoked my mom and brother and laughed in their face while they were angry, angry, angry. I made fun of my mom. I don't do that usually.

I poisoned our household. Yet I felt numb, and in fact I feel like I would do it again. I genuinely felt no feelings as I consciously sent a sick, twisted pain to my brother and mom. I felt like a perverted, sick, twisted observer of my own actions. They're going to come home and then what? I almost feel like doing it some more. If not today I'll surely do it again. The roots of the poison are deep, very deep, in my heart, in my soul. My dad created poison within me and then I let it fester and seep into my heart. Now he's gone but I still carry and nurture the poison, share it with others.

Some days I think I feel actual joy. (Right now it is a hazy memory.) I do not understand this at all. On the one hand my inner silence grows and clarifies. On the other hand I cultivate a noxious poison in my mind. How is this even possible? I must just be deluded to think I know what joy is if I continue to poison my family?

[Cainite]

I fail to not be bothered by idiocy.. I feel uncomfortable when people act dumb around me or say dumb things.. but I stop myself from saying something rude to them most of the time.

Maybe what you need is more time away from those that irritate you.. and more meditation on how to understand them on a deeper level.

[sjel]

I fail to not be bothered by idiocy.. I feel uncomfortable when people act dumb around me or say dumb things.. but I stop myself from saying something rude to them most of the time.

Maybe what you need is more time away from those that irritate you.. and more meditation on how to understand them on a deeper level.

No, it's definitely me. 100% me. I'm done thinking that people are idiots. I mean, I do think that a lot, but it's only because of my own delusion.

No, I am the poisonous one now. No more blaming other people. So there it is: I am poisonous and diseased of mind. However I do not know what to do with that knowledge. All I can feel is growing hopelessness that the poison of my mind will spread and spread and intensify.

[Cainite]

I may have communicated what i intended to say poorly.
Of course it's our own delusion.
That's why I recommended meditation.. we as humans have to awaken and become enlightened.. this is just the journey.

btw I still don't think meditation or enlightenment makes others look less flawed or dumb. one will just have different reactions to them.

The more enlightened humans see the flaws.. but they also see others as the creator capable of greatness.

[Night Owl]

Poison is sometimes also a medecine. Maybe it is so you can understand why your father poison himself so you can forgive him and then forgive yourself.

[Minyatur]

I must just be deluded to think I know what joy is if I continue to poison my family?

Well time has purpose to keep moments apart in reflecting aspects of the self, we're never a single moment without the others and more what is reflected across the spectrum of time. We see our good sides and bad sides, our strenghts and weaknesses, etc.

I would think that what generates this poison are unhealed wounds mutating a poisonous aura over time. There's no evil that doesn't come from a wound and all are the mirror of One. So, don't be hard on yourself and instead be kind and considerate toward your wounds and weaknesses.

[rva_jeremy]

Meditate, sjel. I know it seems like a catch-all. But you are asking questions about yourself that, if they were easy to answer in a waking state of mind, you'd already have answered. You correctly wish to interrogate your behavior and desires; you simply need to call upon all of your resources to do so in a balanced, deep manner. By meditating you practice slowing down enough to start seeing yourself and understanding yourself so that changes come from a new way of seeing yourself, not just blaming yourself for being poisonous which, whether correct or not, accomplishes nothing! By seeing yourself in a new way, by seeing how the same hurt in you manifests in others as well and gives you a bond with them, you'll start to naturally change your behavior. But what I suggest is adopting a genuine curiosity about yourself and pursuing meditation, not with the mindset of overcoming your bad qualities, but with being inquisitive about yourself and wondering why and what else is possible. Good luck, brother.

[Raz]

*sending emerald green, healing light to illuminate you and your path*

[sjel]

Meditate, sjel.  I know it seems like a catch-all.  But you are asking questions about yourself that, if they were easy to answer in a waking state of mind, you'd already have answered.  You correctly wish to interrogate your behavior and desires; you simply need to call upon all of your resources to do so in a balanced, deep manner.  By meditating you practice slowing down enough to start seeing yourself and understanding yourself so that changes come from a new way of seeing yourself, not just blaming yourself for being poisonous which, whether correct or not, accomplishes nothing!  By seeing yourself in a new way, by seeing how the same hurt in you manifests in others as well and gives you a bond with them, you'll start to naturally change your behavior.  But what I suggest is adopting a genuine curiosity about yourself and pursuing meditation, not with the mindset of overcoming your bad qualities, but with being inquisitive about yourself and wondering why and what else is possible.  Good luck, brother.

I do meditate every day for 30 minutes. I feel quite nothing right now. Simultaneously hateful and loving, somehow?

*sending emerald green, healing light to illuminate you and your path*

Thank you very much. I don't know what that does though. I feel lifeless. Nothing matters, literally. One moment extremely suicidal, but then that fades away because it is just an emotion, and emotions don't matter?

[rva_jeremy]

I do meditate every day for 30 minutes. I feel quite nothing right now. Simultaneously hateful and loving, somehow?

Be patient with yourself. Episodes like this hurt but they do not last. When we're in the throes of suffering it seems like that's all we might ever experience, but we lack the overview to see how a current situation connects to a deeper thread.

[xise]

The roots of the poison are deep, very deep, in my heart, in my soul. My dad created poison within me and then I let it fester and seep into my heart. Now he's gone but I still carry and nurture the poison, share it with others. 

If you relate this to your family, when they are open to hearing you speak from the heart, I think it would help them understand you deeply.