Alright. I'm 'awakening,' which in my case is EQUIVALENT to 'going insane.'

[sjel]

Alright. I really hope to clarify my own thoughts in this post, because I just sent a link to my brother and mother to this forum - brother and mother who did not know until now why I spend so much time on the computer.

I'm sane right now (at this moment that I type this). However I see the border to insane right there. I am consciously moving towards the border. Lucky for me, I am not catapulting towards insanity. For whatever reason, I seem to be in a spiritual position that I can communicate and consciously control how rapidly I approach insanity, or awakening.

I have always had this notion that one of my purposes was being able to awaken under the continuous gaze of other people. And describe it, in detail, as it occurs. Real time.

So right now I am unawakened. Undergoing the awakening process. Seems arrogant to say that, but isn't that true of you, too?? (edit: true that you are awakening) I believed until like three days ago I wasn't allowed to say anything about personal awakening or consciously acknowledge it, because that would be egotistical. (I judged people for saying they are awakening!! Now THAT'S crazy.)

Alright. I am really weirding out my brother and mom - to the extent that they have stopped talking to me. This is because I am refusing to speak 'normally,' and instead of trying to be sane I am embracing the insane.

In fact I am very close to just going out and revealing that I am insane to the neighbors!! (Of course only if we make eye contact - I will not impose my presence on them.) My plan is to in some way directly say, with the general mirth that I feel about this situation, "I am insane!" and shrug or something.

In fact I am realizing that which path I take is irrelevant, because my WILL to pretend to be sane is drying up, fairly fast. Not uncomfortably. My ABILITY to act sane is actually the same, or perhaps increasing? Or perhaps it will increase as I have more reason to connect to more people.


I hope I am making some sense. I am writing half to myself, to track the process later. (Another vow of mine is to delete nothing that I post, except for quick edits.)


Haha!! Inwardly I feel a growing sense of freedom. Growing slowly but surely. Because I realize that pretending to be sane is insane!! (Here we go. I was hoping to communicate my sense of positivity, and not just my hesitation.)

So. Essentially my resistance to my true Self, the Self that is ME, is eroding!! At a pace that I am comfortable with!!! BECAUSE, for so long, I have been consciously striving very hard to accept ALL, ALL, ALL, negativity that arises within me!! And for some reason, now appears to be the time that the negativity-acceptance is paying off.

I am not there yet. I am approaching the line, and I seem to be taking each step consciously, rather than it being forced upon me (for example if literally all the negativity within me arose at ONCE, which would be absolutely devastating to remaining in control - and which, I feel like, a lot of humans are headed towards this!! I do not see how mass 'insanity,' i.e. mass awakening, is not inevitable. Perhaps that is what we are preparing ourselves for.)

Anyway. I am beginning to see very little difference, spiritually, between me sitting here on my bed typing, and me going out and walking naked in the street while the neighbors are all outside. Haha!! Notice I said 'little difference,' because the thought of doing that makes me still a little nervous.

I would be much more comfortable, and much more other-oriented I believe, simply walking outside with no intentions, not hiding my smile, and greeting everyone I see, not hiding my True Self! Perhaps it was certainly overbalancing to consider doing otherwise (meaning the rubber band of sanity has overcompensated somewhat for the past two years of me hiding my insanity!)


Actually, right now I just feel more at peace with myself than I ever have before. I feel little need to do anything, little need to provoke incredulous responses from other people, precisely BECAUSE I am so open to the option of doing so!! In mentally finding peace with situations such as taking off my clothes in the middle of the street, I have NO NEED to do so!!!



I hope I am making sense, and please, I welcome any and all criticism and advice right now!! Any reaction your words provoke in me, I have come to accept that it is my own personal distortion which causes it.

Dismantle all remnants of my ego if indeed you see it!! I will work with you to end my egotistical narcissism, because I am so, so tired of it. Even in this post I still have certain rules that are unconsciously set over what I type. I think it is better to edge slowly towards the insanity rather let yourself be overcome by it!!


TL;DR - I am treading veeerry cautiously towards the line of insanity, i.e awakening, so that I do not overshoot it and go into uncontrolled psychosis. For whatever reason, I find myself capable of doing this consciously. Better I think to remain too 'sane,' than to become too 'insane,' and uncontrolled.

This way I can actively narrate my transition.

[sjel]

Ha!! A fleeting moment of discomfort upon posting that!!! But my reactive nature to the environment is diminishing rapidly!

[AnthroHeart]

I have walked outdoors naked before, when I went insane. I did that because I thought I was becoming an anthro with fur and would not need my clothes. I took them off in pieces as I was walking down the road while I was visiting my dad on vacation. I even took off my glasses and threw them on the ground, thinking that my vision would become perfect, because I was magically in 4D already I thought.

It was a balance of being stellar and totally frightening. I even got scared in my room when I heard cars keep going by on the road outside thinking they would never stop. I saw the carpet in the room begin to become holographic, and sparkly. And I thought it was my job to bring the whole of humanity into 4D. But then I got scared because everyone would know my past.

I would probably do it all again if I were back in that time. Except the part about climbing the densities till I saw the previous Octave. That was terrifying.

My awakening was never blissful. It was terrifying, full of hallucinations and stuff. I even heard the Big Bang happening around me many times.

I learned to dislike God for some reasons, but now I am finding that love again. God after all is a mirror to Infinity. We are all mirrors.

[sjel]

My awakening was never blissful. It was terrifying, full of hallucinations and stuff. I even heard the Big Bang happening around me many times.

I learned to dislike God for some reasons, but now I am finding that love again. God after all is a mirror to Infinity. We are all mirrors.

I would not call the experience I am having blissful. Nor terrifying. I would call it neutral, but slightly in flux at all times.


Also, I believe that you are CONTINUING TO AWAKEN, Indigo, rather than being completely AWAKENED.



And I remember that story of you walking around naked!! I used to not quite understand, and of course I still don't all the way. But now that I see that walking around naked outside is equally as appealing as sitting comfortably in this room. I just don't feel a great need to do it.


What do you remember about walking naked outside?? Were you feeling not in control, or were you abundantly aware how 'insane' you were acting?? (By insane I hope you know I mean society's description of insanity. By insane I mean awakening, or already awakened.)

[AnthroHeart]

The only time where I relished being insane was when I took Ayahuasca.

But getting naked still made me nervous. I was walking along the road. When a car would come I would do this weird movement of my body like I had convulsions and think that I was invisible to them. When I came back to my dad's place, I hid. When I came out of the bushes, my dad yelled at me, and I yelled back. Then I apologized. Then I lied to them about why I got naked, saying my clothes just disappeared.

All my mental breakdowns happened around Halloween. I've spent time in mental hospitals and they play horror movies on the tv in them. That's crazy. I couldn't even watch tv.

When I got naked I was in control. But I thought I was in training to become a Logos, and thought that I would hang out with other Logoi.

It made sense that I should get naked, but I didn't realize how insane I was.

I thought it was all symptoms of coming into 4D. My parents even played a movie called "Spirit of the Forest" and each time I watched it, it was like a bit different. I could turn up or down the level of wisdom that was shared. It was sort of like a feedback to my own emotions. Later on I would hallucinate visuals, and go through simulations as I mentioned a few times. I thought those simulations were real, and then later would find out they were not. Sort of like tests.

I am tested often even now with things that can make me angry, and I tend to fail those. At the peak of my insanity I saw the grass animated in the shapes of animals, and I thought my best friend was going to attack me with his tools. But I knew he wouldn't, so I didn't panic.

Thinking that I was being transported to the core of a star was not fun at all. Or feeling like I was being crushed by a black hole.

My awakening was probably a test, but it sucked a lot of it. I never even got to experience being an anthro in it, which was my greatest desire. I only thought I would become one some time in the future.

[sjel]

Interesting that you still felt a little nervous. Even as I do just thinking about doing it.

I think it IS symptoms of coming into 4D, just like you said!! Ra said the transition would be very rough. Especially rough on those who have already undergone it before, I should think.


Right now I am more physically sick than I have been in a year. Extreme, pounding headache. Fatigue. But somehow it is tolerable, because I have a notion that I kind of know what is going on.

Now I'm back into uncertainty, depression, "sanity" as our world likes to call it. But I'm not there all the way. It's like I keep taking a step into awareness, then a step out, then a step back in, like testing the waters of awakening.

Because in my original post I was slightly manic, my body balanced it out just now by falling very very sick and forcing me to lie down on the floor and meditate. I received reassurance from my guides though.

Hopefully this is not annoying to everybody. I'm doubtful again!! But it's okay because each time the doubt is less strong, I identify less and less with it each time. The key is to not identify as strongly with the confidence each time THAT comes back, too.

[AnthroHeart]

When I was manic it felt like I was a kid again, and felt like heaven on Earth. I thought a few times that I had actually died and it was very peaceful.

Now I'm trying to determine who I should be working with: God, my guardian angel, Ra, or my spirit guide. I think that if I help myself with my own energy, that it is service to others. I don't do much in the outside world. It is mostly internal. I try to do positive work with mother earth. Maybe help some beings who are stuck in darkness with my light.

[sjel]

I don't do much in the outside world. It is mostly internal.

Same.

Right now I feel just plain ol' bad, not good. Saying that lightens the load. My headache is overwhelming. I used lemon oil on my wrists and it greatly helped.

my brain is so sensitive right now. Unbelievably sensitive, I am picking up very strongly on the faint sounds and vibrations of the very intense TV show my mom is watching downstairs.

This is very intense

[sjel]

Do you ever experience so much synchronicity that your head hurts? I am seeing nonstop prime numbers, ONLY prime numbers, in everything that I do. Every price, every time I look at the clock. Not 100% of the time. Just much, much higher than statistically probable.

I'll look up the number that my recent purchase cost, and it is prime. Every time. The classical music concert I went to: 1147103. Prime. Backwards? 3017411. Also prime. My seat number? My age.

Just now, my purchase charged to my card. 347.67. 347 is prime. 67 is prime. 347 backwards, 743, is prime. This is insane.

Let's see if there's a prime when I post this :)

edit: guess not!! but that's probably because trying to predict it greatly altered my actions.

edit2: ahah! glanced at the view count and my battery percentage simultaneously. 41 and 67, respectively. both prime :)

[AnthroHeart]

Well I do see repeating numbers, not necessarily primes.

The most obvious sign though was when I was pulling into my street where I live at night, and there was an owl standing right on the middle of the road. Owls I read stand for wisdom. I saw a dragonfly yesterday and that has other meanings too.

Somethings definitely changed because I don't  get all excited about anthros. It's sort of reversed because now God makes me feel all warm inside. Not the Christian God, because Jesus doesn't do anything for me. But perhaps the God that is All That Is.

The little tests I get are focused around whether I will get angry or not. Like yesterday my GPS stopped working on the way to my destination, and I had to unplug it and plug it back in. My mom gives me problems too, and I've been thinking that if I confronted her it might not be that loving.

My head hurt the last 3 days because 2 and 3 days ago I drank some coconut rum with my soda and coffee. I can't really drink, because I don't feel well then. Sometimes my brain feels like it really wants to have a stroke.

[Night Owl]

I have one advice to share with you. Their is a part of you that I see in me and that I have seen in many others and which I see a correlation between them. And that is the mind being overactive because of emotional charge. There are of course ways to deal with the energies themselves but I think you are right now in a state where your mind is working against you. The only solution I have found for myself is to stop identifying with your thoughts. Honestly I forget that one very often but in the moments I have found back my peace and stillness the most is when I realised I kept following my thoughts where they led me because they had successfully fooled me into identifying with them.

Realize you are not your thoughts. You do not even generate them. Thoughts are reflective of internal and external events. They are stimulated into our minds. As soon as I realized this it became a lot easier to stop feeding the thoughts. Once you can simply contemplate them without feeding them, they become less and less intense and they slowly fade away.

[AnthroHeart]

I have one advice to share with you. Their is a part of you that I see in me and that I have seen in many others and which I see a correlation between them. And that is the mind being overactive because of emotional charge. There are of course ways to deal with the energies themselves but I think you are right now in a state where your mind is working against you. The only solution I have found for myself is to stop identifying with your thoughts. Honestly I forget that one very often but in the moments I have found back my peace and stillness the most is when I realised I kept following my thoughts where they led me because they had successfully fooled me into identifying with them.

Realize you are not your thoughts. You do not even generate them. Thoughts are reflective of internal and external events. They are stimulated into our minds. As soon as I realized this it became a lot easier to stop feeding the thoughts. Once you can simply contemplate them without feeding them, they become less and less intense and they slowly fade away.

That's good advice for anyone. Sometimes my thoughts try to say that I am special for noticing someone's flaws when I know I have my own. The biggest one is "she'll see in her life review how bad she treated me." Then I have to entertain a second thought about taking that first thought back and nullifying it. A lot of thoughts seem positive but I see through their deception. They are trying to stroke my ego. Then when someone else says the same thing about the life review, I have to wonder if it comes from them and they mean it, or if it's from somewhere else.

I don't know if we don't own our thoughts, if they aren't ours, then whose are they? I put up with a pretty vindictive and manipulative person, so who knows what is going on in their mind and how much of what they say do they really mean?

[smc]

-removed-

[Minyatur]

I just want to say that insanity isn't an end but a transition phase of moving outside your belief system and points of reference. It is the portions of yourself resisting the wider reality that feel insane and reality, of itself, isn't insane although it may be subjectively seen as such. It is the human ego, that was made to have grown outside of truth and into lies and delusions, that will feel insane touching the true nature of reality. Relating too much to others will have the same effect of feeling insane to grow outsides others' belief systems.

In my eyes and for myself, insanity would be to feel stuck into inter-personal problems, day after day, never pondering the stars nor the core and source of both myself and life, when all the wonder is there! (reflection of my own biases). Yet is that actually insane? Or is it merely a natural effect of certain circumstances to live within? There's never really a thing that is rightful to judge in either yourself or others in the end, judgment then instead testifies of one's lack of understanding of what it perceives.

So, don't make insanity an end, because beyond human constructs life is beingness and intelligence holding without paradox. I had phases of feeling I was going insane but they were short lasting and at some point you just have a grasp upon both what you awaken toward and your resistances to the process. Much like you say, I feel I am in control (mostly) of the pace of my awakening and I made choice  (both pre-incarnatively and incaenatively) to have it be a slow process which would draw upon the best out of my soul.

Since you are embracing awakening, I'd advise contemplation that all is well. Why? Because it is not fancy saying nor is it empty words meant to give a false sense of hope. It is an underlying truth each has the potential to connect to. Catalysts, no matter how bad they seem, serve the purpose of propelling a soul toward what it desires most and the fires of 3D merely allow greater transformation. A soul might desire to be that which is pure compassion, yet how may it get there without facing what it lacks compassion for? A soul may desire the shine the brightest of light, yet how will it get there if its dim light is not tempered into something purer and greater, that sees, knows and feels more? The intensity and nature of catalyst reflect the intensity and nature of one's deepest desires and at some point one may begin to see love and beauty within each of the things that may be seen.

Anyway, don't worry too much and don't be fearful, as you move forward all past experiences will start to make sense and reflect meaning, things will stop looking so grim and this world might just start to be seen as the wonderful place it is in what it took upon itself to offer.

[Night Owl]

I don't know if we don't own our thoughts, if they aren't ours, then whose are they? I put up with a pretty vindictive and manipulative person, so who knows what is going on in their mind and how much of what they say do they really mean?

They do not need ownership just like the reflections on a lake do not belong to the lake. Thoughts are simply reflection on internal and external things that you come in contact with and have experience of, they are not the experience itself. It's a function, not a thing. By thinking one's thoughts are special, it just keep feeding the internal discourse, and believe me there is no end to it. It just goes on and on and on and on and on and on. That's the product of the ego trying to maintain itself alive. If you remained still for long enough there would have nothing to reflect on. But you would still be there and be yourself, that's what the ego doesn't want us to realize. The thoughts are not useless but they are still abstracting from the pure essence of being. When the mind starts working against you, then shutting it off becomes the only way to free yourself.

[JustAThought]

My first (and so far only) awakening experience was a little more than half a year ago. For a while before that, I had an emotionally bad time, hating life for the most part and having quite a few breakdowns. Until then I didnt have any clue about anything spiritual at all and thought it was all supersticious and unreal.
Im lucky I found this community, and when I started reading the Ra material for the first time in my life it felt like my heart would understand things that my mind couldnt. It was so beautiful, yet so horrible. I was stuck in between blissfullness and a mountain of fear. I would understand things in my dreams, wake up with clarity beyond what I could ever tell, yet at the next moment it would feel like I was going totally insane, and fear would take over. (I came to think that the actual feeling of insanity may just be projected by the mind because it is unable to grasp what is going on. )

For me it was important not to let the spiritual journey dictate my life. Its important, but staying grounded and going about life is just what we have to do as well. Its hard to find the balance, yet it helps a lot because you have the days experience to work with, to analyze and to see whats needed in terms of balacing based on that. And those experiences are grabbable, down-to-earth and here in the now. They are certainly not as powerful as meditating on the unity of all beings and thoughts, or other high-level topics that we all love so much, but it is what helps step by step, day by day.

Accepting negativity has been a major task and issue for me as well. I think its the most important part of our journey here, because there obv. is just way too much of it that we have unconsiously sucked in.

Its always a good thing to remind your self that all is divinely taken care of, and there is truly nothing to fear. I know that thought so often fails because the analytic mind cannot grasp it, yet there IS nothing to fear. Worst case scenario, we die... yet we have unlimited more chances to get it right (even though there is no wrong after all, so we do always get it right anyways )

[BlatzAdict]

If I may be allowed to be frank and straight to the point. It seems that you are slowly realizing all of the imposed mannerisms and habits that are ingrained to us by society are based on false ideals.

You want to show your heart you want to smile and not be taken as some crazy rapist for just smiling at creation and loving creation. I went through this myself living in NYC freaking out because I'd just smile at people, and then they give me this look like I am going to go after them or something.

As a result it has become that I need to seclude myself from people who I have come to recognize as having hearts that are still sleeping, they are still choosing fear over love.

In learning to love yourself as much as you are learning to love all of creation around you, you need to love yourself enough to know that you have needs just like everyone else. As a result it becomes your imperative to befriend other people like you, and to have your own emotional support system through friends and through self evaluation so that you can have your own sense of community.

I suppose that is part of what these forums do. Anyway it's important to love yourself as much as you are learning to love others. It only becomes a selfish thing when the love for yourself takes precedence over the love you might have for others.

In learning to be more respectful towards free will, i can't change the minds of these people, only they can change their minds for themselves not to mention those individuals you encounter might not be ready to wake up to such a high degree or intensity of spirit, and of love.

In one sense, its respecting free will, to bring this high vibrational attention to others who are ready to receive and reciprocate with you that high vibrational attention. Otherwise it is only you giving, and not receiving anything in return. There has to be a balance, otherwise those friends may become very draining for you to be around. Then it is no longer a service to you, or to them. It becomes a domination, instead of a co-operation.

[Aaron]

Imagine if you were a celebrity, dude. Everybody watching you constantly and having no private life. You'd have to be like "That was the old me, this is the new me." And that's exactly what they do.

Reminds me of this:

(80.10)
It is also to be noted that an adept is one which has freed itself more and more from the constraints of the thoughts, opinions, and bonds of other-selves. Whether this is done for service to others or service to self, it is a necessary part of the awakening of the adept. This freedom is seen by those not free as what you would call evil or black. The magic is recognized; the nature is often not.

[sjel]

Imagine if you were a celebrity, dude. Everybody watching you constantly and having no private life. You'd have to be like "That was the old me, this is the new me." And that's exactly what they do.

You know what's strange, is that despite my seclusion, I live, mentally, as if I have no private life. As if a host of entities were always watching my thoughts. Which, they are!! However any negative reactions from these imagined entities (real, imagined, whatever) are my own personal fears about how a HUMAN might react. Haha!! Always feeling as if there is an audience to my thoughts. Which, there is!! Maybe this is training me to become a celebrity eventually, hmm...

[Minyatur]

Isn't it amusing how Oneness can probably both equally feel an absolute lack of privacy and an absolute abundance of privacy, both perceived either joyfully or with sorrow, while ever only facing Itself and dwelling with itself.