I need help

[Gribbons]

no matter how bad I feel, coming onto this forum always makes me feel better, even if just a little bit. but i am in need of help, as ive hit a major turn in my life and the catalyst seems like it is more than i can bear, the questions are just too big for me to handle alone.

are feelings worth trusting? feelings like something is going to happen, because i had one today for a couple hours that was positive, and nothing came to fruition. feelings for this girl for the past 2 years, too, led to nothing, and brought me to this catalyst. it actually brought me to jail where i stayed for 3 days/3 nights, and the only good i got out of it is i did meet a 'teacher' there that taught me the value of getting rid of/walking away from those that gossip and/or make themselves believe to be your friends. its a really long story, but for a long time, i was led to believe this girl was the one and that she was interested in me, but it turns out the facts are she isn't. and now i have to leave the university, pay lawyer fees and move back home.

to me, today, the positive feeling like a miracle was going to happen in my case generated the thoughts that it would, and it consumed me, and convinced me something good was going to happen,, but it didnt. and this just reminds me of all the times i spent trusting myself and these feelings that come out of nowhere that they don't mean anything. why does god let this happen? i'm being deceived by myself, not just by my thoughts and my ego thinking this and this will happen, but a genuine surge of energy that lifts my spirits and gets me to believe we're all connected and this is what i should do to prepare. but nothing happened. it even made sense logically (probably) that it could happen, and should, but where do these feelings come from and why if it amounts to nothing actually manifesting?

its torture. sometimes i wish i never was led to watch the secret, and then stumble upon the Ra books, and opened my mind to spirituality and caring for people. i've been hurt in so many ways since = 3+ years. i've been following my heart. i switched majors to be in a program that was very selective and competitive, got in!, fell in love with this one girl, KNEW i didn't want anyone else, asked for signs, got confirmation...or did i imagine them? what does all of this mean if the only thing i bring to myself by believing in them is more pain, more 'lessons'? granted, in jail, that guy taught me some valuable lessons i couldnt have learned anywhere else, but why is nothing good coming out of all of this? not only do i not get the girl i thought was perfect for me, i dont get to graduate from the school i've loved all my life and have attended for 4 years, and i've put emotional and financial burdens on my family. not to mention the psychological hardship i've put on myself.

i learned a lot about faith in jail, and saw it exercised, how it relieved me and how it helped me get out when odds of timing werent on my side. but outside, i'm let down. in many instances.

people dismiss these feelings as instincts when it was, in fact, a surge of energy that i believed was due to me being connected to others (& events) outside. like obi-wan said to luke "trust your feelings." and now, i can't.. they only hurt me and lead me to believe somethings going to happen that doesnt. if its a good feeling anyway, it doesn't happen.

help. all of this is getting me to think i've become delusional or something. the lessons in jail regarding faith actually helped me open my heart chakra, but now, these feelings lead me to suppressing them because they've been wrong. i feel like such a fool, and i made the choice a long time ago i'm of an sto-polarization. but i've been hurting people too, if even just unintentionally. just by following my heart. ..

[BrownEye]

We get confused as to chemical "feelings" and feeling our environment. Chemical feelings are a reaction to the senses, including our belief.

It can happen that we follow what we want to believe when in fact it is not aligned to our purpose. I have been told that we can run into very abrupt experiences if we go off too far on a tangent. Call it catalyst if you want, but could just be a wake up call. Free will exists within the variables of our purpose. If the ego succeeds at hijacking the purpose we will be forcibly put back on track. Just need to sit back, clear your vision, look around and get your bearings. Things always get better when you allow the ego to relinquish its control and let your guides to do their work.

[Gribbons]

see, today i woke up feeling really good because i had a really good dream where i remembered how easy it is to love someone right there in the moment. the "feeling" or expectation probably arose from that when the ego took it as a sign or something... but it didnt feel that way. it really did feel genuine, like a premonition or something. but man, my ego has been looking and believing to see signs for 2 years now that this was going to happen with this girl. and i could give you evidence and coincidences that could defend that belief. but it must not have been to be. it depresses me more than you think. cause this girl, just fit right with me in nearly every way. and i didnt want anyone else but her. and trust me, ive met a lot of girls. its been strange to say the least.

[BrownEye]

Another angle to look at.

I have had a few "perfect" partners. Something always came up to rip us apart.

I have actually had some rocky times with the partner I married. In the end, we find that we are the same soul. Literally. Of the only two portions of that particular oversoul incarnated, it happens to be the two of us.

Things will work out. You just can't see how your reality is being built behind the scenes.

[Gribbons]

Yeah, and seeing as how i'm virtually powerless in this process, all i can do is wait and let the stuff behind the scenes reveal that person to me. i'm dying to be with the other half of my soul, my twin flame, soul mate, however you want to call it. she is all i want in this life, to live and experience with.

but life doesnt go according to your timetable, no matter how your rationalize it happening or why it should. even though i may not have met her, i miss her tremendously. god will get me through these trials, but honestly, she's the one i pray most for/about.

[Diana]

Life can be very challenging. When I get to similar places you are describing, the thing that always gets me feeling better is to formulate and begin a plan. The plan is based on goals I set for myself.

Try and keep your focus on you. Perhaps you may be putting too much energy into "needing" particular things to happen. Things will happen that are meant to. And sometimes, we grow and change, and maybe our original soul contracts change because we are in a position to not require them anymore.

You may think right now that a particular thing is all you want, but I can almost guarantee you will come to a point where you do not think this, as other wonderful things will come into your life that serve it well. If you allow one person/situation/desire to consume you, you are filled with it, and other things will not be allowed in. You cannot add water to a full cup.

Another thing that helps me is to simply break some patterns. Take a walk outside and really notice what is around you; read a book; do something outside of your routine.

[Ashim]

Hi.
I have often made the mistake of confusing instinct with intuition.
I found it helpful to enlighten both areas in order to see the connection.
Instinct is driven by a lower emotional body - intuition tends to come from higher self.

[kycahi]

I have no advice, Gribb, but I do care. Perhaps your programmed catalyst includes getting into this kind of fix and slowly working your way out of it. Learn patience, even as you feel that strong pull to somewhere, someone.

[BrownEye]

Sent you PM.

Also feel this applies here.

The incarnating entity which has become conscious of the incarnative process and thus programs its own experience may choose the amount of catalyst or, to phrase this differently, the number of lessons which it will undertake to experience and to learn from in one incarnation. This does not mean that all is predestined, but rather that there are invisible guidelines shaping events which will function according to this programming. Thus if one opportunity is missed another will appear until the, shall we say, student of the life experience grasps that a lesson is being offered and undertakes to learn it.

Questioner: Then these lessons would be reprogrammed, you might say, as the life experience continues. Let’s say that an entity develops the bias that he actually didn’t choose to develop prior to incarnation. It is then possible to program experiences so that he will have an opportunity to alleviate this bias through balancing. Is this correct?

Ra: I am Ra. This is precisely correct.

[@ndy]

Hey Gribbons

I can sense the longing in your posts.
I'm just thinking.

Whatever it is you are seeing and drawn to in this female, remember that it is a reflection of ‘you’

I'm just wondering perhaps if you can find and love inside yourself what is being shown to you threw the girl, then you might feel a little more whole.

[Gribbons]

I think I got it.

If she's the One, and I truly believed that, then how could she say no to me?
...
And she did. More than 51% of the time anyway. I think it was an agreement, because I willed this relationship. Even though I felt it was right, I was taught all just the process was all wrong, because if I really loved her, I would have respected her choosing another guy to be with. This was 2 years ago. I know she was into me, but I probably frightened her because of this whole, we're meant to be together and I know you feel it, now come on.

I tried to bypass the system, and effectively, that one choice to standup for my love rather than let her choose led me to this point of balancing, the court system. I have a lot of evidence that shows I'm innocent, this whole journey... at last, the story, this experience, will have light shone upon it. It couldn't have happened any other way. It was a biiiiig lesson for me to stop controlling things and let them happen.

And yeah @ndy, your senses serve you well. i have longed. for a very long time. knowing what ive wrote, what i do know about her that is a true reflection of me, IS saying no, even in the face of god, if something isnt right about it.