10-14-2015, 03:04 PM
Checklist: Cashed out bong, check; half drank gallon of water, check; my self awareness of my thoughts, check; freshly showered, check; ready to explain the title of my thread;
So I've been trying to be more self aware and nonjudgmental of my thoughts recently, gets a bit hard when I get emotional but I've been getting better at it. Today I finally checked out some bags of my stuff in my back yard, since I have bed bugs and all half of my stuff's been baking on the top of the roof of my house. I also get dust storms, and sleeping during the day when they start, lost a few bags. Big whoop.
Only it kind of was like big whoop, the three bags missing had my favorite black comforter I was sort of attached to (loving my bed setup and all) and I guess I had some weird emotional attachment to it. Plus I lost half my clothes so I'm literally halfway out of a wardrobe... It got me all down and that spiraled out of control with the entire recent events and all the thoughts on them, and finally I caught notice of some suicidal lines of thought and reasonings. The logic of suicide, or more the irrational logic. So I took note of everything, and the entire scenario surrounding the manifestation of those thoughts appearing. I was rather disappointed in myself for the entire outlook. I'm either a very sensitize person, or a very childish one, because it's just a comforter, and I don't even remember what clothes I had and lost. I'll find out when I finally think of something that's now missing.
It doesn't matter, I wanted to share the irrational reasonings, and explain why they're nonsense. Mostly for the people who are feeling suicidal and see the big ol' S word and come clicking into the thread. Hi thar, this is why you shouldn't listen to your thoughts when they get suicidal. Unless you're literally going through hell, or war, I should amend, take a chill pill. I took a nice big glass of Squirt, a lemon-lime soda, totally bad for you, and chugged it down, ate 7 donuts and said I was sad, I don't wanna judge myself, may as well just enjoy the pleasures of life damn it.
1. But then the brain's like, oh hey there so no one would really actually miss you if you're gone, except maybe one or two people, but they don't actually like me, so I imagine they'll get over it pretty quickly, lets go do this I -thumbs up-
Except in reality, there's more than a few people who you're around and know from time to time who actually like and enjoy you. But bad reflections of your self bring you down, and you underestimate yourself vastly. It's easy not to even bother analyzing those thoughts, they don't feel like anything but very complex sadness, but I know they're a type of 'mood' I get in when certain feelings stack up with each other. I call it depression, it happens, it passes, if it doesn't, something is wrong.
2. My mind has certain unspoken principles it seems to abide by that I'm having a hard time making sense of, almost like ways to process information, and sometimes I get thoughts that I'm alone, in a meaningless life, of a sort of game apparently. Sometimes I'm sad enough that there is no reason for the feeling, it's an easy mood to fall in to. Ignoring reality and everything, just wondering how to lock into that path presented.
Only you typically can't, there's a type of evolution that evolves from thoughts to words to actions. It's when you begin speaking it that you're nearing the threshold of contemplating really doing it. Most of the time, it's just that depression makes everything harder than normal in most ways to maintain awareness of my self, and the reality of how good I have it still. I do just need to look for some kindness around me and take that in me, it's present all the time, I just need to look for it.
3. There's no purpose to my life beyond something I'll naturally end up doing anyways by direction of lifely occurrences my Higher Self introduces to me as already self created future events I've designed for myself to happen, but I have no knowledge or clue what or how or when or why or anything about those occurrences, they are simply inevitable and they draw my attention to them because they potentially mean dreadful outcomes, inevitably leading one to the future in thought. A very scary place indeed.
So I needed to ground myself. Thank God the Jeshua channelings gave a clear concise description of this process, supplemented by the local Anagogy wisdom, I realized thinking about the future is the worst thing to do in the sense of only doing it out of dread. The future should be planned, not feared. Be prepared for things to go wrong, for service and polarization moments to become available in strength. I had to ground myself and get back to my place on Earth right here and now in this Moment, to remember that I don't know the future, it's a mystery, and if Star Trek taught me anything, it's to explore mystery's options, not dread them. I'm here and now, I'm safe and nothing's wrong with me (except maybe mentally or emotionally I'll admit I ponder sometimes...), I'm trying to just be a better me the way I want to be naturally following my own desires with consideration of others.
4. Except everything is also an illusion, a game without a point, designed but not being enjoyed now despite trying to. Hurting on the inside just by being who you are naturally to yourself is surprisingly painful, and pain is a great motivator to desire it to end one way or another.
Only the pain is unique to me and for me. Surely I can handle it? I can only hope but, I truly do not desire to find out regardless. I just hope I never will. So that I don't dread upon those potentials and lock them in through overextended focus. I made a thread on the Reality of Murder Fantasy's and not long after all those thoughts of death went through my mind I hit a cat with my car, an attracted event. That was proof to me focusing on the bad thoughts through an emotion can manifest it. So I do truly need to attempt to be positive to make my reality more positive. That is the nature of the game.
5. Only! I don't like the nature of the game! It's so hard to explain but it's not understood by me, and I otherwise do feel like a rat in a maze while in 3D, sort of with a candle and a intuitive sense of spiritual smell. There's a faster way out than starvation as a rat in a maze. I might not actually be starving but I do feel meaningless and useless as if I were a scrap left behind. It's tiring having this self image but every time I accept and change it I just come back to it in this sensation of feeling horrible anxiety, lost and trapped inside some kind of construct, being forced to play a game I designed for myself, and created from my future self, all while making it reality right now??? Or I apparently created this? Except if it's supposed to be enjoyable, why am I so miserable, despite being open and kind and happy yet somehow still quietly behind black pupils miserable? It's confusing how everything works.
-ambulance noises- Hold up, thar, son. There's this funny fallacy of the Human Brain that enjoys quickly thinking the worst is true. Worst case scenario, yeah man, we are mice in a complex maze called 3D, and the maze is always changing, the only way out is learn how to transcend it
(Which includes living out your whole life than dying normally how you should have then being harvested in death, OR attaining enlightenment through some unimaginable means of feat and instantly opening the gateway to infinity, then just phasing out right there on the spot in the maze just like, -pop-
Best case scenario, focusing on dread doesn't cause it, it's a byproduct of fear which needs to be addressed. Sometimes things need to be addressed, it's not bad or dreadful, it can even be fun if handled appropriately, and appropriately simply means kindly in 'my' personal cases usually. I don't actually know anything, I just believe in some things. I hope to know things through true logical understandings of these concepts one day. But for now, I don't, and I won't unless I perform the above sequence ending in -pop-, which I highly doubt I will be doing anytime soon in this incarnation... ... ...Unless anyone can point me to a live-in meditation monk place, like a monastary or a temple?? -cough- anyways, my brain loves to look at the negative bleak perspectives as well and in irrational emotional fear assigns them more important to think about.
Kind of sucks but the plus side, when you realize you can control what you think about in time, you start to relax and get hopeful that in time, you won't have to deal with these moods anymore. And by you, I mean Me.
I haven't had a suicidal thought in almost two months too. My biorhythms do show me in the negatives, I think I actually have my adept rhythms at -100 today too, so I'm loaded for moments like that today a tiny bit.
What better way than to tell y'all don't listen to those lines of reasoning, they are sticky loaded heavy and cruel lines of logic that are apathetic to others and you. It's unfair to yourself, you shouldn't indulge in such thoughts.
I think there's a better way to think and be, I'm still going to try and be positive despite all of this. Just really, really, really need to get a bit of gluttony on and have some chinese soon, part of the not judging myself treatment.
Sorry if this freaked anyone out. If I disappear; blame the Government, it was NOT a Suicide.
So I've been trying to be more self aware and nonjudgmental of my thoughts recently, gets a bit hard when I get emotional but I've been getting better at it. Today I finally checked out some bags of my stuff in my back yard, since I have bed bugs and all half of my stuff's been baking on the top of the roof of my house. I also get dust storms, and sleeping during the day when they start, lost a few bags. Big whoop.
Only it kind of was like big whoop, the three bags missing had my favorite black comforter I was sort of attached to (loving my bed setup and all) and I guess I had some weird emotional attachment to it. Plus I lost half my clothes so I'm literally halfway out of a wardrobe... It got me all down and that spiraled out of control with the entire recent events and all the thoughts on them, and finally I caught notice of some suicidal lines of thought and reasonings. The logic of suicide, or more the irrational logic. So I took note of everything, and the entire scenario surrounding the manifestation of those thoughts appearing. I was rather disappointed in myself for the entire outlook. I'm either a very sensitize person, or a very childish one, because it's just a comforter, and I don't even remember what clothes I had and lost. I'll find out when I finally think of something that's now missing.
It doesn't matter, I wanted to share the irrational reasonings, and explain why they're nonsense. Mostly for the people who are feeling suicidal and see the big ol' S word and come clicking into the thread. Hi thar, this is why you shouldn't listen to your thoughts when they get suicidal. Unless you're literally going through hell, or war, I should amend, take a chill pill. I took a nice big glass of Squirt, a lemon-lime soda, totally bad for you, and chugged it down, ate 7 donuts and said I was sad, I don't wanna judge myself, may as well just enjoy the pleasures of life damn it.
1. But then the brain's like, oh hey there so no one would really actually miss you if you're gone, except maybe one or two people, but they don't actually like me, so I imagine they'll get over it pretty quickly, lets go do this I -thumbs up-
Except in reality, there's more than a few people who you're around and know from time to time who actually like and enjoy you. But bad reflections of your self bring you down, and you underestimate yourself vastly. It's easy not to even bother analyzing those thoughts, they don't feel like anything but very complex sadness, but I know they're a type of 'mood' I get in when certain feelings stack up with each other. I call it depression, it happens, it passes, if it doesn't, something is wrong.
2. My mind has certain unspoken principles it seems to abide by that I'm having a hard time making sense of, almost like ways to process information, and sometimes I get thoughts that I'm alone, in a meaningless life, of a sort of game apparently. Sometimes I'm sad enough that there is no reason for the feeling, it's an easy mood to fall in to. Ignoring reality and everything, just wondering how to lock into that path presented.
Only you typically can't, there's a type of evolution that evolves from thoughts to words to actions. It's when you begin speaking it that you're nearing the threshold of contemplating really doing it. Most of the time, it's just that depression makes everything harder than normal in most ways to maintain awareness of my self, and the reality of how good I have it still. I do just need to look for some kindness around me and take that in me, it's present all the time, I just need to look for it.
3. There's no purpose to my life beyond something I'll naturally end up doing anyways by direction of lifely occurrences my Higher Self introduces to me as already self created future events I've designed for myself to happen, but I have no knowledge or clue what or how or when or why or anything about those occurrences, they are simply inevitable and they draw my attention to them because they potentially mean dreadful outcomes, inevitably leading one to the future in thought. A very scary place indeed.
So I needed to ground myself. Thank God the Jeshua channelings gave a clear concise description of this process, supplemented by the local Anagogy wisdom, I realized thinking about the future is the worst thing to do in the sense of only doing it out of dread. The future should be planned, not feared. Be prepared for things to go wrong, for service and polarization moments to become available in strength. I had to ground myself and get back to my place on Earth right here and now in this Moment, to remember that I don't know the future, it's a mystery, and if Star Trek taught me anything, it's to explore mystery's options, not dread them. I'm here and now, I'm safe and nothing's wrong with me (except maybe mentally or emotionally I'll admit I ponder sometimes...), I'm trying to just be a better me the way I want to be naturally following my own desires with consideration of others.
4. Except everything is also an illusion, a game without a point, designed but not being enjoyed now despite trying to. Hurting on the inside just by being who you are naturally to yourself is surprisingly painful, and pain is a great motivator to desire it to end one way or another.
Only the pain is unique to me and for me. Surely I can handle it? I can only hope but, I truly do not desire to find out regardless. I just hope I never will. So that I don't dread upon those potentials and lock them in through overextended focus. I made a thread on the Reality of Murder Fantasy's and not long after all those thoughts of death went through my mind I hit a cat with my car, an attracted event. That was proof to me focusing on the bad thoughts through an emotion can manifest it. So I do truly need to attempt to be positive to make my reality more positive. That is the nature of the game.
5. Only! I don't like the nature of the game! It's so hard to explain but it's not understood by me, and I otherwise do feel like a rat in a maze while in 3D, sort of with a candle and a intuitive sense of spiritual smell. There's a faster way out than starvation as a rat in a maze. I might not actually be starving but I do feel meaningless and useless as if I were a scrap left behind. It's tiring having this self image but every time I accept and change it I just come back to it in this sensation of feeling horrible anxiety, lost and trapped inside some kind of construct, being forced to play a game I designed for myself, and created from my future self, all while making it reality right now??? Or I apparently created this? Except if it's supposed to be enjoyable, why am I so miserable, despite being open and kind and happy yet somehow still quietly behind black pupils miserable? It's confusing how everything works.
-ambulance noises- Hold up, thar, son. There's this funny fallacy of the Human Brain that enjoys quickly thinking the worst is true. Worst case scenario, yeah man, we are mice in a complex maze called 3D, and the maze is always changing, the only way out is learn how to transcend it
(Which includes living out your whole life than dying normally how you should have then being harvested in death, OR attaining enlightenment through some unimaginable means of feat and instantly opening the gateway to infinity, then just phasing out right there on the spot in the maze just like, -pop-Best case scenario, focusing on dread doesn't cause it, it's a byproduct of fear which needs to be addressed. Sometimes things need to be addressed, it's not bad or dreadful, it can even be fun if handled appropriately, and appropriately simply means kindly in 'my' personal cases usually. I don't actually know anything, I just believe in some things. I hope to know things through true logical understandings of these concepts one day. But for now, I don't, and I won't unless I perform the above sequence ending in -pop-, which I highly doubt I will be doing anytime soon in this incarnation... ... ...Unless anyone can point me to a live-in meditation monk place, like a monastary or a temple?? -cough- anyways, my brain loves to look at the negative bleak perspectives as well and in irrational emotional fear assigns them more important to think about.
Kind of sucks but the plus side, when you realize you can control what you think about in time, you start to relax and get hopeful that in time, you won't have to deal with these moods anymore. And by you, I mean Me.
I haven't had a suicidal thought in almost two months too. My biorhythms do show me in the negatives, I think I actually have my adept rhythms at -100 today too, so I'm loaded for moments like that today a tiny bit.
What better way than to tell y'all don't listen to those lines of reasoning, they are sticky loaded heavy and cruel lines of logic that are apathetic to others and you. It's unfair to yourself, you shouldn't indulge in such thoughts.
I think there's a better way to think and be, I'm still going to try and be positive despite all of this. Just really, really, really need to get a bit of gluttony on and have some chinese soon, part of the not judging myself treatment.
Sorry if this freaked anyone out. If I disappear; blame the Government, it was NOT a Suicide.
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