Seeing myself as a demon

[Cainite]

Is this something that Orion and other negative influences on earth plant in my head?

I feel like I can kill without anger being a necessity.
I can see how this could help in battlefield. Because recently I had this dream in which I led my fellow soldiers out of a very desperate situation.

I despise the fact that I can be like psychopaths. or military people.. with the dominating eyes and everything.

[Cainite]

Also when I was suicidal. I used to fantasize all day about killing myself and dying. all I did was reading about suicide and other suicidal people. I also talked about dying in this forum.

It was very easy for me to kill myself. I didn't do it for two reasons : first, I didn't want my body to be found messed up by my family. such a scene would ruin their incarnation and they wouldn't graduate. (that's a messed up thing to do to your family at harvest)

The other reason was that I didn't want to survive the attempt and be physically damaged.

plus my mother used to hide knives and other stuff I could use for that and doctors put me in a mental hospital for a while.

I'm not sure what has made me so ruthless. I was neglected as a child cuz my mom.. I can't give this info but you can guess.
I was also molested by strangers a few times. but I didn't care. I even saw the person who molested me ten years later when I was 19 I guess. I could at least kick his ass. but I didn't. I just thought he was so low.
but my childhood never mattered to me. it was sad but I've been over it.

[Jade]

Anything that makes you feel scared is likely energized by a negative entity. Any blockages period can be energized by a negative entity. This includes anything from childhood - in fact, primarily, I think our childhoods are meant to program us with catalyst to unravel for the rest of our lives.

If you have been suicidal, one of the first steps towards healing is to nurture the red-ray energy. Suicidal thoughts block the red ray, and then everything is harder.

Good luck.

[Cainite]

I remember in a lucid dream I came across a mirror and knew it would show my soul if I looked into it.
So I avoided the mirror cuz I was afraid I'd see a monster.

Anything that makes you feel scared is likely energized by a negative entity. Any blockages period can be energized by a negative entity. This includes anything from childhood - in fact, primarily, I think our childhoods are meant to program us with catalyst to unravel for the rest of our lives.

Thanks for wishing me luck.
I hope this is just how they want me to view myself.

[Infinite Unity]

Is this something that Orion and other negative influences on earth plant in my head?

I feel like I can kill without anger being a necessity.
I can see how this could help in battlefield. Because recently I had this dream in which I led my fellow soldiers out of a very desperate situation.

I despise the fact that I can be like psychopaths. or military people.. with the dominating eyes and everything.

My advice is to find gratefulness/humility within. In my opinion when one is 'lost' being humble, recognizing all that the creator has gifted you with. Will amazingly turn things around emotionally.

[Steppingfeet]

Is this something that Orion and other negative influences on earth plant in my head?

I feel like I can kill without anger being a necessity.
I can see how this could help in battlefield. Because recently I had this dream in which I led my fellow soldiers out of a very desperate situation.

I despise the fact that I can be like psychopaths. or military people.. with the dominating eyes and everything.

I don't think there is anything random about the way we are. Nor do I think that we are subjects of an external fate that has made us the way we are. We are who we are as a result of our experience, the way we have or have not responded to that experience, the injuries and wounds we have received, the work we have or have not done to know and accept ourselves, and so forth.

Negative acts and negative beings have certainly played a part in all of our experiences. We exist in a polarized consciousness and on this planet live in a plane of mixed polarity. We are shaped by these forces. But you Cainite are who you are only insofar as you create who you are, even if that happens largely on a subconscious level. In other words, you are not a victim of negative forces.

Your feelings have roots in you. They trace back to traumas and wounds you've received. Or beliefs you've taken on. Or distortions of understanding about yourself. Who knows, perhaps you were involved in wars in past lives and carry the forgotten scars within you. (Given the bellicose nature of our history, I think it not unlikely.)

I think a good place to start is to accept yourself for having these feelings. You are, ultimately, all things, are you not? Should you then judge the discovery of different aspects of yourself?

But it makes you uncomfortable. I can understand that. I'm in discomfort over my own experience of anger and animosity. It is uncomfortable not to feel whole, or connected, or at peace, or operating from a place of love that sees the Creator in self and others.

I think that acceptance, forgiveness, and self-knowledge are steps on the long road of healing. On that road, that which is not needed falls away.

That you still have these thoughts and feelings, therefore, indicates that these are still needed parts of your experience. They are still teaching you something, offering you a lesson, showing you some as-of-yet unhealed aspect of yourself. Take your attention compassionately into these parts of yourself and listen. Look for what's hidden underneath. Find where the hurt and vulnerability are.

[Cainite]

Is this something that Orion and other negative influences on earth plant in my head?

I feel like I can kill without anger being a necessity.
I can see how this could help in battlefield. Because recently I had this dream in which I led my fellow soldiers out of a very desperate situation.

I despise the fact that I can be like psychopaths. or military people.. with the dominating eyes and everything.

My advice is to find gratefulness/humility within. In my opinion when one is 'lost' being humble, recognizing all that the creator has gifted you with. Will amazingly turn things around emotionally.

I'm grateful for all the joys I experience. I'm grateful for simple things like my favorite fruits and water. also my two cats.

I think I have progressed in the process of self healing. The fact that I'm comfortably posting in this forum indicates better yellow, and orange and maybe blue energy centers.

[Cainite]

Is this something that Orion and other negative influences on earth plant in my head?

I feel like I can kill without anger being a necessity.
I can see how this could help in battlefield. Because recently I had this dream in which I led my fellow soldiers out of a very desperate situation.

I despise the fact that I can be like psychopaths. or military people.. with the dominating eyes and everything.

I don't think there is anything random about the way we are. Nor do I think that we are subjects of an external fate that has made us the way we are. We are who we are as a result of our experience, the way we have or have not responded to that experience, the injuries and wounds we have received, the work we have or have not done to know and accept ourselves, and so forth.

Negative acts and negative beings have certainly played a part in all of our experiences. We exist in a polarized consciousness and on this planet live in a plane of mixed polarity. We are shaped by these forces. But you Cainite are who you are only insofar as you create who you are, even if that happens largely on a subconscious level. In other words, you are not a victim of negative forces.

Your feelings have roots in you. They trace back to traumas and wounds you've received. Or beliefs you've taken on. Or distortions of understanding about yourself. Who knows, perhaps you were involved in wars in past lives and carry the forgotten scars within you. (Given the bellicose nature of our history, I think it not unlikely.)

I think a good place to start is to accept yourself for having these feelings. You are, ultimately, all things, are you not? Should you then judge the discovery of different aspects of yourself?

But it makes you uncomfortable. I can understand that. I'm in discomfort over my own experience of anger and animosity. It is uncomfortable not to feel whole, or connected, or at peace, or operating from a place of love that sees the Creator in self and others.

I think that acceptance, forgiveness, and self-knowledge are steps on the long road of healing. On that road, that which is not needed falls away.

That you still have these thoughts and feelings, therefore, indicates that these are still needed parts of your experience. They are still teaching you something, offering you a lesson, showing you some as-of-yet unhealed aspect of yourself. Take your attention compassionately into these parts of yourself and listen. Look for what's hidden underneath. Find where the hurt and vulnerability are.

Thank you for the guidance.

[Infinite Unity]

Is this something that Orion and other negative influences on earth plant in my head?

I feel like I can kill without anger being a necessity.
I can see how this could help in battlefield. Because recently I had this dream in which I led my fellow soldiers out of a very desperate situation.

I despise the fact that I can be like psychopaths. or military people.. with the dominating eyes and everything.

My advice is to find gratefulness/humility within. In my opinion when one is 'lost' being humble, recognizing all that the creator has gifted you with. Will amazingly turn things around emotionally.

I'm grateful for all the joys I experience. I'm grateful for simple things like my favorite fruits and water. also my two cats.

I think I have progressed in the process of self healing. The fact that I'm comfortably posting in this forum indicates better yellow, and orange and maybe blue energy centers.

I understand were you are coming from, but I didn't mean my response to be indicative of progress or level. Rather small advice, from a small portion of the creator brother.

[Spooner]

Is this something that Orion and other negative influences on earth plant in my head?

I feel like I can kill without anger being a necessity.
I can see how this could help in battlefield. Because recently I had this dream in which I led my fellow soldiers out of a very desperate situation.

I despise the fact that I can be like psychopaths. or military people.. with the dominating eyes and everything.

Killing is not inherently morally good or bad. Much of the negativity around it is projected onto it by people who cannot face reality. Obviously it can be quite bad. But it's not necessarily so.