How do you learn from/understand catalyst when it doesn't make any sense?

[reeay]

I don't have problems accepting myself. I just know that if my fantasies were to materialize I'd probably vomit. That's not saying much since even energy coming in can make me do that.

Vomiting is in a way helpful. My old therapist told me once that he spent about 2-3 days vomiting when he was going thru his healing process. I felt like that (constant nausea), too, but didn't happen so intensely.