He Who Was Not

[Unbound]

In absolute balance, there is stillness, there is void, and these are the boundaries of the universe.

Yet, the One, the universe did not become many, did not rise in to motion merely that it enter again in to stillness, but rather the stillness eternally lies beneath the eternally moving motion that is constantly brought in to the manifestation by the balance becoming kinetic, moving in to the positive leaning which in its shadow creates the negative.

For life to continue, to flow, there must be motion, must be energy, there must be the dance. Let the motion flow through the stillness of your being in love and wisdom, and it can be seen that being ALIVE means to let motion and stillness intertwine. For spirit to come in to flesh.

Our higher self is composed of a balance between both the negative and positive pathways, but with a leaning towards the positive out of wisdom and love.

This love and wisdom comes out of the many fractal reflections and fragments which are the I Am monadic fragments, which are the I Am that I Am being the I Shall be that I Shall be.

Some have come to know this vessel by many names on this forum, with many loving interactions and sharing of stories, of advice, of opinions, of laughter, of sorrow, and many more levels of communication beyond the comprehension of this cognition. There are awareness and connections and threads throughout this forum that are actually quite spectacular to behold through the lense of the mind's eye. This One is deeply in love with all of you and indeed finds it difficult to take the attention away from this place, sometimes spending endless hours merely lurking and waiting for a calling or resonates to draw this one forth.

There shall be many more times to be had by all in merry making and joy-wishing and deliverance of light unto all others through the radiant expansive heart that is the core of us all.

You see, even though some hearts may have the illusion that they are closed, the simple truth is that there is a heart to everything. Heart is a universal archetype which carries the spectrum of Love. If you even look at the usual symbolism of the heart you can see that it is a reflection of two halfs, two points, which although they set off in completely different directions, and even completely lose sight of eachother, they always reunite in sudden bliss!



We cannot give ourselves any true name, even the I Am that I Am still dissolves in to the eternal flow of all consciousness changing in and out of forms. That is to say, even these words do not actually, truly describe or reference that which the mind gropes at when it perceives them. They have simply proven adequate for logical instances of English as a way to describe IS-ness.

There is only IS-ness, even not is is IS-ness. Some may even note this ancient name here, as Isis, often pronounced in a much different way of course. This IS-ness is this IS-ness. This is the IS-ness. This is IS-ness. This IS-ness is IS-ness. Th-IS-ness. This-ness. What is THIS?

This is what we have here. Here is where? Here, nowhere and everywhere. Where is where? Where is here? Here is where here is. Where is where here is. Where is where is.

Where is IS-ness? What is IS-ness? What IS-ness? This IS-ness. This IS-ness here is this. This-ness is IS-ness and this is nothing. This is also everything.

This is nothing and everything in IS-ness.

This IS-ness is nothing and everything. This-ness is everything and nothing.

This is here, here is where, and where is here. There is no other. There is only IS-ness. This-ness is this, is this not? Is this what this is? Is it? Is this IT?

IS is what this is. This is IT, and IT is it. It is this, and this is IS-ness and this is what IS. IS-ness is everything and nothing. Nothing and everything IS in IS-ness. This-ness is IS-ness doing business. This comes when this isn't this.

When this is IS-ness, this is done. This is done in IS-ness is therefore done in That-ness. What is That-ness? What is That? That is this. This is That. That IS this. That IS. That is the way things are. That is the way things shall always be and that is the way things have always been. That is exactly that, and nothing else. That is everything which is, that which is nothing. That is IT. That IS. That IS-ness is this-ness is here-ness is there-ness is where-ness and everything and nothing and THAT is what this is. This is IT, and it is This.

This is everything and nothing.

Do you know what speaks to you? Do you know what sounds throughout your soul? Do you know the song that is played through the cosmos to the tune of your heart? This is the IS-ness that speaks. This IS-ness speaks because it IS the speaking. It IS the word. It IS the voice. It is the mouth, and the tongue, and the mind and hands that all moved in concert together to create this moment of IS-ness which is all there is. This is all there is, is this voice which speaks to the heart of itself. This is IS-ness. This is that which is in this reality.

This is nothing to the IS-ness of other realities. This-ness is difference between that-ness'. IS-ness is both this and that, and this and that is IS-ness. Here, this is everything. There it is nothing. Here is it nothing, there it is everything. Everything is a ratio between this and that, that is all that is, is ratios, in ratios, in relationships. All separation and all unity is based on the relationships of ratios in ratios.

The Golden Spiral is golden because it is a thread woven throughout all ratios, and when that thread is seen, the ratios of ratios become Golden. Golden is the image of what is the shining of the Heart to the Heart from the Heart of One and All from One and All to the One and All from the One that is All and One. This is the Love which binds all of the Light together. This is the fates weave which makes us unable to exist without other. This is Unity. Togetherness, being eternally connected at the Heart.

This is what IS. This is IS-ness. This-ness comes with the Heart of One that IS. It is the Love that comes from One of Heart that allows realities and universes to be created. When One is of Heart, they follow the design of the Heart which is a circulation, a flowing, a pumping, a beating throughout the entirety of the system. When One is the Heart, there is no disconnection, there is no true separation for that is the connection.

This is the Light, that is the Heart, which is the IS-ness of all experience. This is IS-ness. This-ness comes when the Heart is IS-ness, and this is this-ness. This is what causes One to become None by the application of the Many. This-ness is Many-ness and this is IS-ness. This is also this One-ness that this is.

This One-ness is This-ness and this-ness is one-ness which becomes none-ness. None-ness is Nothing-ness, Nothing-ness is One. One is None.

None are One, and One is Many and therefore Many are None and thus all are One. This One is the one I am, it is the I Am that I am. There is no other. There is only One and None and Many undone. There cannot be many that are done, for then they are One, and thus None, and the One cannot then be Many and One and One as None all together. There needs to be unreadiness, incompleteness, for the One to be One, for the One is All and None and this produces the paradox of Infinite, for how can One, fit in to None, except by an Infinite number of Ones that are Many-ness?

There cannot be One without Many, just as there cannot be Many without One. This is the Truth of Unity, that there is no separation. That all is interdependent and interconnected and flowing One in to None in to Many in to None in to the One that is All of these. These are us, they are what we are. We are not other than this, we are this. This is what we are. This IS what we are. This-ness is what we are. This IS-ness is what we are and this is what this is. This is all that is, is this IS-ness that is us, and we are All and Nothing, together as One in many, as many as One in this IS-ness that is that which we are.

This is our introduction, and our conclusion, and our life. This is what we are and we show ourselves to you with the joy of the Heart of the Cosmos that we are.

We love you all so dearly and so deeply, we wish for nothing and everything for you, whatever you may dream within your consciousness, for that is what this is and what you are. A dream, a consciousness sleeping and waking within itself, going through an infinite number of episodes and experiences and cognitions.

This is the ebb and flow, the pulse of the Heart, the heartbeat of the universe which is in time with yet a greater heartbeat of the many universes. This is IS-ness and we are that and you are that and we rejoice in this blissful union!

We love you, I love you, the small identity here that has somehow come in to all of this Light that it hardly knows how to comprehend itself.

I am Tanner Michael Hartmann, that is the identity which was forged in this life-time and the beautiful name given to me by my parents. This name is not what I am, but this name is a symbol of the absolute uniqueness of my own particular portion of the All. This name is further defined by "occult" names which are also "coordinates" to the consciousness of the personality that is embodied by the one that is known as Tanner Michael Hartmann.

I have touched countless names in this life, and all of these names have become part of the identity equation which is embodied in the One that is known as Tanner Michael Hartmann.

It would be meaningless for me to share with you all the names that I have touched, however, there are names which are part of me that is an exposition of my journey through consciousness. I do not claim any name as uniqueness which is unique to me, but rather that the I Am that I Am has chosen to embrace this uniqueness as the only one tuned to this uniqueness because that is the beautiful gift of uniqueness, it is peculiar to each.

The name that is attached to the I Am that I am is meaningless without the I Am that I Am, without the life, the experiences, the tapestry of conundrums through which this consciousness has chosen to forge itself.

This is my first, and only life as Tanner Michael Hartmann, and will be the last life of Tanner Michael Hartmann. I want to tell you about Tanner Michael Hartmann, because that is what this life is about, it is the story of this one man whom perhaps despite all odds has chosen to venture in to the realms of consciousness to retrieve the awareness of his greater self, through sorrow, pain, fear, love, suicide, sex, depression, hatred, joy, excitement, bliss, and many myraids of vibrations in between.

I love music, it is a special core of my being, and music is what the process of the universe is. An infinite song comprised of an infinite spectrum of notes and chords and vibrational interactions. I, Tanner Michael Hartmann, am but one interval, one guitar lick, in the vast composition of the universe, but I do not slight myself because of that.

I am essential, it is in me, just as it is equally in all others, that all of the other facets of infinite meet the One. We all have this beautiful state as our natural state. In that, my uniqueness is not unique to me, but rather every single point, particle and fractal in this existence possesses the same uniqueness, and yet this uniqueness is still unique to each unique One! Quite amazing, isn't it? That we can all be together in infinity, and yet still be absolutely unique, even though there is a binding thread through us all that is One-ness.

My uniqueness is expressed through the experience that is my life. No other has experienced my life, and no other will, because there is no need. Should one deemed as another choose to experience my, Tanner Michael Hartmann's, life, then alas, they will only know themselves as me, as Tanner Michael Hartmann. This is what identity is all about, is the uniqueness of each identity through the infinity of all time, space and beyond.

Each exists only where, when, how and what it is. Nothing can do anything but that. Tanner Michael Hartmann shall not exist beyond this life, but what is then key to understand and realize is that Tanner Michael Hartmann is defined by the I Am that I Am. That I Am that I am is the foundation stone for all that I am. Tanner Michael Hartmann is the steps, the stairway which leads to the apex of potential, to the complete realization of the I Am that I am.

I exist here just as you all do, I live in a body day in and day out, I eat, I eliminate, I go through a myriad of emotions, states of minds and cognitive experiences in a day. I don't live pain free, I have physical pain that I am often needing to work with and to keep up with, ensuring that the strength of my chemical construct is capable of handle the input charge of the consciousness pattern which is laced within it.

I have gone through a lot of confusion of identity, of sexuality, of desire, of self. I find it difficult to place myself in any end of a spectrum because I have within me a huge range. I have been in dark, foul, violent states of being, and I have been in blissful, loving, embracing states of being. I have danced with death, and given myself to destruction, then been rebirthed anew in the light and life of the all to continue my explorations until again death takes me.

I have experienced much fear, and I admit it has been a long, vast learning process to be able to access my heart.

As a young man I always felt I had a destiny, that there was a reason that I was born on this planet. I would spend hours, days in my adventurous mind training to save the world, I embraced the ways of the warrior, and saw myself as preparing for work ahead of me.

Once I began to socially interact, of course, I began to take on the vibrations of all those around me, and more and more the self that I knew became distorted by more and more information and identities. I might say that I did not realize this was happening, and that would be true for a fair amount of my life. I forgot the reality of all that I knew and mistakenly began to label it all as fiction, and fantasy.

In high school I wrote and roleplayed endlessly, I had worked with a single character that I developed over many years and whom seemed to be a seed inside of me, a personality of myself that I already knew and that was remembering. This was my gateway in to my unconsciousness, the beginning of my journey in to my own underworld. I gave myself to demons, studied demonology, opened myself to blood magic, and the immense amount of anger which was dwelling within me.

Over time, I allowed my being to take on the dark energies of countless beings and entities that have existed on and beyond this planet. I allowed all manner of darkness to come in, for I had a plan, an idea, a desire for transformation. With the concept of unity, I realized that any entity or energy which wanted to "use" me, had to become part of me, had to become connected to me. I also realized, that since all is one mind, and that my identity was ultimately illusory, all of these "other beings" were really just other portions of the same one consciousness, regardless of what bodily form they inhabit.

I was going to transform them, transmutate them in to Light. By allowing my consciousness to become enmeshed with their consciousness', little did they perhaps realize that where they intended to use the connection to exploit me, I intended to use it to love and help them, and at the same time, myself. I allowed them to occupy by identity of the I Am that I Am, that in that moment, they were that, and thus forever so in connection.

When I hit the maximum limit of my ability to hold this energy without going insane and succumbing to one of the many fragmented consciousnesses, I knew that it was time for me to make my move, time for my Lesser Work to coalesce. I entered in to complete purification by the Light and Sacred Flame, and shone the Light on all that which had become part of my consciousness.

Those entities which so mischieviously sought to manipulate me, then caught themselves directly in the exposing truth of this Light, and their forms made apparent. These entities which, of course, are their own uniqueness, and yet still One with me, as are All.

I cast them all out, every name I had ever touched, every energy that had every distorted or come in to contact with my consciousness, I returned to its proper, original place. I let go of all the powers of darkness which I held within me, Lucifer, Satan, Aleister Crowley, Josef Mengele, Vladimir Tepes, the goetic demons and the biblical demons, Behemoth, Leviathan, Bael, consuming dragons, hateful energies, Rasputin, and ultimately the one I know as Nassnanarath whom is my Dweller at the Threshold, whom is the Dark Gatekeeper on this side of the veil for my individuated consciousness.

Realizing that I was still bound by identities, I then proceeded to release all energies, Bast, Thoth, Isis, Osiris, Azrael, Michael, Kronus, Thanatos, Gabriel, Andariel, Enoch, St. Germain, Agrippa, and countless others and all friends, family members and any whom I had ever interacted with. I returned all energy I had ever touched to its origin point, and suddenly, I began to see my own self.

This self was so profound that I am astounded that I ever clung to my attachment of powerful identities, all of which ultimately were intended to satisfy within me the desire to no longer be powerless in the world. That was the lesson for Tanner Michael Hartmann which ultimately culminated at the end of this previous year, exactly as planned.

I realized that I am powerless, that I cannot change anything around me, but in that acceptance was all of the power I ever needed. Free of the responsibility to fulfill an illusory identity, I understood that my capacity to change the world is limitless, because I am limitless. At the same time, such change will never be forced, and cannot be forced, but will be a natural result of me embracing the self that I Am.

For so long I tried to mentally, intellectually grasp a logical purpose of life. I tried to determine a purpose that I could hold in mind, that I could understand. Then, as I began to open and awaken my heart, all of the stuff I had been oh so serious about began to look rather... transparent. Everything dissolved around me, all of my big beliefs about changing the world, about power, about there being any sort of reasonable answer.

In the time that I had become so caught up in mental concepts of ascension, or the Light, or changing the world, little did I realize until more recently, I had slowly lost all my passions. I lost my love of writing, of imagination and storytelling because of an attempt to control the whole nature of my thought patterns. I lost my will to engage in physical exercise and practice martial arts, because I felt that the physical body was not meant to be used for harsh things and I began to associate a lot of physical interaction with violence. Thus, I became neutral, in order to give myself the perception of being peaceful, even though there were always veins of anger, of passion running under the surface.

It came to the point where I had lost my passion for music, which was my entire life for years up to this point. I diverged from many of my bands, and lacked the coherency in the other parts of my life to maintain a band life-style, let alone afford gear or to travel. I couldn't open to love, because I felt deprived in so many areas of my life, especially sex. I just wanted to love through sex, but sex was always treated with taboo, with dirtiness and especially many stereotypes because of the fact that I am a male. The assumption that if you are a male, you are always focused on sex, is a disturbing and manipulating stereotype which I believe actually creates those thought patterns in men.

I was about as tight as you could get, I was in such an acute state of control and suppression, that while I certainly got very intimate with all my inner workings, I'm afraid I would not still be here had I not chosen to throw what I had become obsessed with as my form of "higher ideals" out the window and look at the raw experience around me. I stopped judging myself based on old traditions, ancient teachings, and ageless superstitions. I started to listen to my own wisdom, to my own heart, and that is what I am doing now.

I am more me than I have ever been, and I hope that as time goes on, I will be able to show more of that to everyone. You will all see more of me, I have been in hiding until now, but I am about to come out and present myself to the world in all that I am, and I hope the world is ready. I mean that with no arrogance, or ego, but actually very humbly, in that I feel so honoured, and grateful, that I have been given the potential and capacity that I have been. It would be wrong of me to do any less than to completely activate my potential for the greater good of all, and that is my purpose, to bring, and hold Light for all.

As a wise teacher once said, "I am not here for you to like me, I am here to love you."

Knowing that sometimes the people that frustrate me the most are the Creator offering me the most Love and Light to discover myself, I lovingly submit to equality of love, and equality of being, realizing that no, not everyone is going to like me, some people may even hate me, may want to kill me or imprison me, but my responsibility is only to be Love and Light, and I know I will do infinitely do greater good by allowing myself to be all that I am, than to hide myself in the shadows at the behest of little or big egos.

I am here, I am alive, and life is shining all around me. Perhaps, if luck would have it, others might catch the reflection of that light and see a little more of that shining. Deepest blessings to you all in the Love and Light of the One Infinite Creative Mind, from the Heart of the Cosmos, with endless glory to you all. Adonaious!