I have a "problem". I would appreciate some insight.

[Adonai One]

This problem has been so consistent since my early teenage years that I've accepted it as a way of life. I don't hate it despite it causing me to lose many relationships and hurting my self-esteem. I haven't mentioned it too frequently because it's rather sensitive especially to people who have been affected by it's ultimate consequence. I am aware a dear friend of ours has been affected by this issue. Anyways:

I tend to experience frequent thoughts of suicide on a daily basis. I feel a constant need to escape reality. It's well-known to my family members to a certain extent but it probably isn't fully understood. I've seen psychologists and so forth but their methods were so rudimentary, so sophomoric that they did not even begin to plunge the depth of my depression, the reasons behind my suicidal thoughts and who I am.

Despite my best attempts at engaging my reality, trying to be creative--as I am sure I am here to do--I feel incredibly bored. So depressingly bored that it nearly consumes me. I always ask myself "What is the point of anything?" and it often seems there really isn't any point to anything since it all is just the light of the creator transmuted into what we know as reality. The purposes we find within it are created by us, our Logos and so forth. I just have a incredibly hard time engaging in it at times. I know the true purpose here is to just experience the creator through what we do and learn--and even what I am going through is an experience towards that purpose as well--but it seems this concept doesn't bring more life to me. Even though I wish it to do so.

My nihilism will leave me in certain amounts and in certain activities but it will return again once more if I am given enough time in thought or I partake in an activity that doesn't particulary stimulate me.

In summary, I just feel so bored. The jobs I have attempted have never completely fulfilled this boredom. Video games even seem pointless to me at times, even ones I enjoyed endlessly as a child. I have been a very poor partner in long-term friendships and relationships because of this...

So, can somebody give me some insight? Why am I so bored? Why do I feel this way? Is it because of a bad habit? Anyways, thanks for reading. I appreciate your time and patience.

Edit: It seems I am not the only one with this problem. I do not intend it to end as it did for this individual:

George Sanders—Academy Award-winning British actor. His note stated only: "Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck."