the catalyst of boredom - what does it mean?

[Aloneness]

Well, it certainly feels as if I've reached another dead-end. But I figured that moving into a new inviroment doesn't really solve anything because it has little to do with the enviroment itself. My inner state of being should be independed enough to be joyful, period. Since I'm not particularly joyful at the moment my mind wanders off into the abyss of not having a job, feeling unable to work and having to live on the streets soon. I'm a bit tired of living like a slightly psychotic stray cat all together.

I feel like i've spent 34 years seeking for 'something' that doesn't seem to exist here on this planet. Plus, I don't even know what that 'something' is. Also, I don't understand why it's so difficult for me to accept that i'm here, on this planet. It's like everything inside me continuously resists having to face the fact that I'm 'here'. There are moments when I feel somewhat at ease but I'm mostly frustrated to the core. I don't enjoy these experiences anymore but I don't feel as if I have enough tools to work with it in a more healthy/constructive manner, instead of chaotic desperation.

It cannot talk to anyone about this particular rabbit hole because I don't even understand it myself. Hello alienation.
So, I'm staring at a dead-end, suicide is not an option anymore and I'm too confused to see any other options, clearly.
Perhaps there's another planet willing to adopt a slightly psychotic stray cat.

Have you read Carla's The Wanderers Handbook? It may answer a lot of questions for you. You can read it in PDF version from their site if you don't have the money to buy it.

I've read most of it awhile ago and it did answer most of the questions I had.

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Nothing more to opening up than to, you know, open up.

What do you mean?