Our concept of love and trust starts at home.

[Jade]

Childhood is probably one of the hardest traumas to heal, due to the length of time that has passed, maybe? I still have a lot of distortions in this area due to my upbringing. Some of it is difficult to be assured I've reconciled because I have a lot of dissociation/selective memory with my childhood. My parents are both rather unpolarized and what is clinically considered narcissism runs in my family. I was mostly neglected save for the verbal and psychological abuse of my mother, then stepmother. My father has been mostly emotionally unavailable. At this point I feel very much like a nonentity to both of them. A lot of the trauma caused by my mother especially was her rejection of my high vibrations. She would often hiss and curse at me from a very young age, insulting me and calling me names. This was fueled by drugs, and also by my little sister, who suffers from mood disorders and was also very abusive towards me, and a big stress on my family. I was often the whipping girl, the one safe one to displace frustrations upon. It was a pretty big burden to carry and now I've had to cut them out quite a bit, unfortunately. It's been necessary however to cut these ties because even at 27 years of age they are borderline abusive.

I love them both and offer them my love and light only on the rare occasions that they do reach out to me, but they are still rather actively disrespectful to my husband, which has been nothing short of exhausting. I feel often that the further I get away from the/ the less of a bog down I feel on my vibrational level. Both of them take some "sinking down to" to communicate with. The conversations are always 100% about them and the traumas and catalysts they invite constantly and with great fury. I don't know if there's ever been a time where I felt emotionally supported by either of my parents; that has always been my job.

I guess the one sad thing that rings in my head as a mantra of my youth from my mother is how she would constantly insist how I was "NOT Little Miss Perfect!" because she would so frequently be punishing my sister, I would face the brunt of the trauma as well to assuage her guilt. We're all perfect. My parents have always just despised me for what I guess is my high frequency. It's what mostly convinced me that I was a wanderer, along with one of my few affections from my mother: That my birth mark (gray streak in my hair) was "Where the angels kissed me when I was born". She's not spiritual at all, but it is something she always said throughout my childhood. That the angels had marked me upon my birth, and that I was imperfect in my benevolence. Well, here I am.