Reverting to the orange ray

[Ankh]

This morning I found out that I am now permanently hired at my work, that I am now one of the permanent employees at my job. My first reaction was that something so heavy lifted from my shoulders that I wanted to fly. Finally! After 3-4 years of uncertainity and fears, I am now finally permanently hired! I didn't even expect that this first reaction would be so intense and strong in terms of light and joy.

Well... This reaction didn't last long! Shortly after this reaction, there came dark, dark heaviness, and I felt in a very intensive way, and still do, being unworthy of this position, of this employment! There came images and thoughts and emotions in my mind, one after one, of why I was unworthy of this position too. I wanted to cry!

So, no - I still can't proceed into the green ray, and still revert into the orange ray. DAMN!

This is so sad, and brings me so much suffering... I so much want to dwell in the green ray - in a stable and steady way. I would even give up all proceeding into any other higher rays, as long as I would just reach the green one, and stay there (always)! No other ray is more important or desirable by me than this one. But nope!...

Sorry guys, I am just so depressed right now... And this moment should be of light and joy!