Clearing Inner Turmoil and Confusion

[AnthroHeart]

They say meditate. When I do I just feel pressure at my chakras. When I try moving energy to the undeveloped chakras, it doesn't really move.

I'm confused as to how I should present myself on this forum. Don't want to sound like a broken record with my passions.

There is a sensation at my solar plexus that almost feels like anxiety, but not quite. There is an inner turmoil that I could never be who I truly want to be.

Was life really so much easier without the veil? Is it the source of my troubles?

I can't find the long-sought-after peace through meditation, nor can I find the serenity.

I've done a bit of shadow work, trying to reach out to those undiscovered parts of myself, but I don't like them. I still try to come to peace with that side of myself. The attempted murderer side.

Then there is the other side of me that knows that stillness is out there. Or that stillness is in here, somewhere. Part of me is a star, and has no troubles. It just lives, and gives life, in a mutually beneficial exchange.

I talked with a friend of mine who is not spiritual at all. He has inner turmoil. I suppose that most people do.

Finding balance has not been one of my biggest goals, because what would that really achieve. I can be happier focusing on what brings me joy. Watching furry videos, or petting my dog are about the only two things that bring me joy. Oh, and spending time in sunlight is good too.

I go up and down it seems. I've learned to live with a handicap. One of manifestation. The things I can manifest I don't really want. I want what I can not manifest. This is of course in 3D.

I wonder sometimes if I came straight from the Logos. Because Creation is like my #1 thing. Being able to create is a passion of mine. I guess that would bring me joy too, and bliss, if I could create a world. If I could be a star. A blue star. About the size of our sun is fine. I'd have about 14 billion years of life. That's enough for me to explore creation to my fullest desire. Perhaps being a star would be my greatest fullfillment. Not being an anthro. That would be swell, but a 3D anthro is still veiled, and still has sorrow, and inner turmoil.

Is a star at peace?