Step Up to the Plate

[Bring4th_Austin]

I like the story, I think it has a decent message, but there is one part I think could potentially be problematic.

And a little voice in my head said, “That’s who you are. Not the person that didn’t make it into a talent show. You’re the person who can hit a home run if she really wants to. Every time. You’ve got it in you.”

The truth is, she is the person that didn't make it into a talent show and the person who can hit a home run. She is both, and both are acceptable and should be loved.

I had an experience that helped me to realize this. When I was in middle school, I was bullied very badly. I was rather weak and small, unsocialized, and just didn't know how to fit in. Middle school kids can be really mean. I would get pushed down during recess, picked on, drawn on, people would steal my things, put signs on my back...the violence never went beyond pushing me to the ground, but the humiliation was torture. I was utterly depressed.

At a certain point, I basically hated myself for being this person, for not being strong enough to stand up for myself, for not being capable of fitting in. I eventually realized that I had completely control over this and that I could change it. I could become strong, I could learn to socialize, I could put myself out there and gain a mask that would allow me to navigate the waters of the hostile social environment of public school.

And I did all of this. By the time I graduated from high school, I was a completely different person. I was strong, I stood up for myself when I needed to, but I generally didn't need to because I fit in and people liked me. I liked myself, this person I had become. I was no longer the weak kid that I hated. Good riddance to him, I thought.

And this was all well and good for a while, until a couple years ago. I moved in with a roommate who would "bully" me in her own, subtle way with lectures about beliefs and spirituality, and I would lose my grounding, stay silent, and sulk afterwards. I started becoming emotionally unstable when I was challenged as a person, and I could tell that there was some deep catalyst needing to be addressed, but I didn't know what it was. I didn't realize that the weak, incapable Austin was repressed and was starting to manifest, as repressed things do.

It came to the surface when I was getting an astrology reading from an awesome friend and we came to a certain point where I felt an intuitive sort of nervousness. I knew that something was about to come that would be jarring. She started to describe to me about how my charts read as though I were scared of standing up for myself, for my beliefs - that I was prone to being bullied. Hearing those words caused my middle school years to rush back in a sudden flash of emotion. I was overwhelmed with the sadness that I had felt when I was being bullied in middle school. The weakness, the awkwardness, the fear, the inability to relate to those around me - it was all there coming out in tears.

I realized that I had rejected this part of myself. I said, literally, "I don't like this Austin, so I will manifest a new Austin and leave the old Austin behind." This, I think, goes against the ultimate goal of integrating our aspects of consciousness. To decide through will power to separate and bury a part of ourselves and replace it with something else is not a path to being a whole and complete person. Middle school Austin was still inside of me, still weak and scared, and now unloved by me. I was reminded of Ra's words: "Each acceptance smoothes part of the many distortions that the faculty you call judgment engenders." I viewed this part of myself with judgment, and it gave rise to this distortion.

And so I realized that I needed to spend some time with middle school Austin and come to a full acceptance of him, to love him and integrate him into my complete self. This wasn't terribly difficult, after setting my intention to do so, but it did take some conscious work to fully explore all of these aspects I had judged and repressed, bring them to the light, and bless them with my acceptance.

I suppose I kind of hijacked this thread with this story, but I felt it was relevant to the heart of what the author was conveying. I think it's important that we love all aspects of ourselves - the person who was rejected from the talent show, the person who was scared to step up to the plate, as well as the person who hits the home run. We can realize our potential to hit a home run and manifest that easily, but when we do that while accepting all other aspects of ourselves, I feel it is that much more powerful. We are in balance with our shadows, the side of us that we prefer not to manifest into the world, and this balance brings serenity. Then, if we happen to miss the swing, we are just as at peace with ourselves as if we had scored a home run. We can go on and try again without hesitation, without frustration or fear, and with love in our hearts.

(cheesy I know)