Who Is Your Master?

[Reaper]

I have recognized within myself lately a continuing fascination with dark entities. This is something I've had trouble acknowledging because after spending a year in pure darkness, I'd really rather be done with the stuff. This mindset, however, has drawn unhelpful attention into my life, and so I have done my best to explore and understand where this desire/curiosity/interest comes from, that I may shape it into a more beneficial configuration.

I now know that it has little to do with the "negative lifestyle." I've already tried that on and found it lacking. It occurs to me that the true desire this fascination stems from is that of serving a master. Personal responsibility is at the top of my list of virtues. I try at all times to remain aware of my Self and choose my actions according to that Self's truest intent. I consider myself to have a very strong will, and I am a highly independent individual. While said orientation feels right to me, it also often becomes overwhelming. There is allure to me in being in a relationship in which I don''t have to constantly provide for myself, and in which, at any given point in the day, I don't have to choose between a million different options whose outcomes usually escape me.

I recognize the fantasy in this desire, for I have mentally created a master tailored to my purposes, possessing only the traits I find acceptable. I have experienced the less titillating effects of slavery, in some toxic personal relationships and, for a large chunk of my teenage years, in being locked up in a psychiatric hospital and having every aspect of my daily behavior controlled. These were certainly not circumstances I found enjoyable in any way. However, there are daydreams I escape to in my head where the unpleasant elements fade away- an ideal slavery that serves as a sort of vacation from the rigors of constantly creating my own life's circumstances. It has shown up repeatedly in the fiction I write, as well as in many of my lifestyle choices, unconsciously expressed on a continual basis, yet only now do I find myself with the strength to be honest about such a desire.

Naturally, having shone light on this particular shadow, I would like to transmute it. Beneath the desire for slavery is the simple desire to serve. When the distortions are removed, it involves the surrender of the self I know to the Self I know as the Creator; the giving of my will to that which seems beyond myself. In the past I have found myself unable to trust my own higher will, my own capacity for holiness, and so the purity of surrender has been distorted into a fear of responsibility. The attraction of the "dark master" is purely aesthetic, a deeper desire cloaked in an image that is comfortable to my biases.

Today I asked myself "Who is the master I am willing to serve?" I tried to picture the embodiment of holy Selfhood that I know I can put my trust in- the Will I know will guide me to my own heart's desire. I saw only a white expanse, a sense of everything. Then, I was overcome with a feeling I can only describe as immeasurable tolerance. For a moment I saw from the eyes of that higher self, and from those eyes every desire this personality expresses is holy, no matter how base or immature, for every desire is a desire of the Creator. My silly fantasies were suddenly sacred, and in seeing that sacredness I could feel the chains of obsession breaking away.

That Self, I've realized, will take on any form I desire- anything I need to learn, to express myself, to follow the paths I uncover. At times it has dressed up as a frightening dark entity, playing the role I've asked it to without the slightest shred of judgment, and now the sight of that costume fills me with laughter. It is as beautiful and sacred as the holy guardian angel I now see before me. THIS is the Will I wish to serve to the end.

I felt compelled to share this journey. It has been a very deep and emotional process for me.

We all serve something. Who is your chosen master?