Who Is Your Master?

[Reaper]

third-density being, by "end result" I was speaking of trusting a process without knowing the outcome. I seek to know myself. The more of my Self I uncover, the less I realize I know. While I think I've gotten a decent grasp on the parts of myself uncovered thus far, I have no idea what else I'll find in there, and I don't doubt I'll ever run out of things to find. If I was insisting on a certain product in this seeking, I would undoubtedly hamper the entire process.

By "errors" I speak of pursuing actions not in alignment with one's highest purposes. When one's goals are shallow or unknown, it is easy to make self-sabotaging actions without realizing it. The consequences of these actions are usually what generate a higher awareness of one's "grand plan" in the first place. However, when one has attained a more solid understanding of their desires and the path they want to follow, choosing to follow temptations that go against these desires tends to be more directly harmful to the individual's progress on said path.

Consider the cave man who kills another cave man out of primitive territorial instincts, compared with a seeker who has dedicated themselves to preserving peace and harmony going out and murdering someone. Who is going to suffer more for their actions? The situation is rarely that dramatic, but there are definitely ways to either expedite or impede one's progress, and as more and more awareness is obtained, realizing the difference between the two becomes more and more valuable. Making an "error" (or a hundred of them) isn't going to damn you to hell or prevent your ultimate progress, but as Ra says, why use a blunt instrument if a scalpel is available?

My fear of failure comes from experiencing a high level of rejection during my childhood, due to my very sensitive behavior being perceived as "crazy". I was constantly bullied, criticized and pushed away by peers and teachers alike. Tell a child there's something wrong with who they are, that their thoughts make them a bad person, and they will likely believe you. While I feel I've come a very long way in reclaiming the Self I stuffed away out of a fear of abuse, rejection and disciplinary measures, I still find it challenging to be completely myself around others, especially when expressing opinions I know are going to go against the status quo (which happens quite often, it seems). While I intellectually understand that the world around me is a mirror of the one within, allowing me complete freedom to create the sort of experience I want, I still remember the taunts and the feelings of intense loneliness and self-hatred. I am actively working with the fear, instigating healing, but I can't say I've perfected the process. It is still easy for me to see results that don't please others as failures.

I used to hate myself for feeling such things, but now the fear itself has faded enough for me to realize we've all got our own set of distortions that influence how we learn and grow. In recognizing my fears, I can choose to continually act in ways that counter them. I honestly had an agitated response ready to go for what you said, but I chose instead to go back, re-read your words, and try to see from your perspective instead of just being afraid of my ideas (an expression of self) being rejected. This in turn taught me more about myself.

I thank you for your responses. Life would be awfully boring if people just agreed with me all the time. :p