05-15-2015, 12:32 PM
My biggest issue is meditating in general. Even back during my awakening I was not very consistent in meditation. Mostly, I did it once every week for two months but never went further with it.
The reason being I am incredibly picky about comfort, and getting comfortable enough to meditate is very hard for me. I find that the best time for me to meditate is mid-day (or night for me) after a shower in my 'comfy' clothes. I also typically meditate in my bedroom, on my bed which creaks at the slightest shift in weight when I'm sitting. I can't meditate inside the house otherwise my cat will 100% (proven by numerous failed tries) bug me until I pet her because she always does that when I'm just sitting or lying idly.
Next to that, I have a really bad issue with making excuses or just not actually sticking out with my plans anymore. I'm going through a pretty rough time mentally and emotionally (it's hard to explain... I'm not myself lately I guess, or I am and no longer know myself..) and I find that whenever I plan to meditate I can't manage it for any dumb reason.
Like I'm unconsciously avoiding it for some reason. For a while I was able to get comfortable at a bench at a green belt near my house which was pitch black at night next to a tree under an otherwise open sky (meditating under the full moon is on my to do list for that bench!) but back then my mind would not silence for even a second long enough to perceive mental silence.
I have tried meditating under the influence, with results that lead me to avoid spiritual meditations when impaired. It clearly feels like I channel more energy than I'm supposed to during such instances. With one meditation once literally making me experience a 'presence' of the Infinite Creator in a way that effected me so deeply and profoundly I understood it as a type of 'experiencing God' literally. It's probably one of the most profound experiences I've ever had. But I hear people talk about how it effects the aura in such negative ways, and I understand that they aid me in channeling latently more energy than I soberly would be capable of doing due to my already altered conscious state of being impaired into a more open manner.
And I don't want to hurt my energy system more than I already have with my earlier movements of a fast and powerful polarization and raising of the kundalini.
I've attempted setting a set time to do so. I've downloaded apps to aid me, read up on it to get me psyched to take it up daily. I do not know why, but I have such little desire to meditate, I'm almost starting to think it's a form of catalyst I'm offering myself to overcome my own lack of perceived willpower to do...anything. Maybe... Maybe... Mm, no I don't know. O' life, how art thou so...Glistering in Catalyst.
It's not a problem of observing something, nor is it a problem of focusing. It feels to me like I'm just not doing something correctly. I don't know a proper manner to meditate perse, or even different manners of meditation to try and attempt. I don't know anything beyond Visualization, Balancing, Healing, and Clearing Meditations, of which I only know how to clear my mind and balance my chakras (which I lack a referent unconditionally loving feeling to invoke due to much issues with my relationship with my son now...). Some practice with visualization non-meditatively has yielded results but meditative visualization would be much more desired by me.
I'm a visual learner if you will. I'm also a massive emulator in a sense, if I see it occur, I will have a much easier time learning and attempting it. Monkey see monkey do in a spongy sense of if the monkey absorbed the entire experience of the other in a way that allowed him to bridge the experience to himself.
But when I'm trying things on my own without any guidance, I practically feel lost, I don't even know where to start or think, I don't know the options even available. Lost, would be the most emotionally, mentally, and intellectually proper word to use. I've never even seen another person meditate.
...Maybe I'm just making excuses to do nothing. I truly don't know sometimes. I would love to find a way that works for me that gets me to meditate if not even 10 minutes a day... My own lack of motivation is. Frustrating.
The reason being I am incredibly picky about comfort, and getting comfortable enough to meditate is very hard for me. I find that the best time for me to meditate is mid-day (or night for me) after a shower in my 'comfy' clothes. I also typically meditate in my bedroom, on my bed which creaks at the slightest shift in weight when I'm sitting. I can't meditate inside the house otherwise my cat will 100% (proven by numerous failed tries) bug me until I pet her because she always does that when I'm just sitting or lying idly.
Next to that, I have a really bad issue with making excuses or just not actually sticking out with my plans anymore. I'm going through a pretty rough time mentally and emotionally (it's hard to explain... I'm not myself lately I guess, or I am and no longer know myself..) and I find that whenever I plan to meditate I can't manage it for any dumb reason.
Like I'm unconsciously avoiding it for some reason. For a while I was able to get comfortable at a bench at a green belt near my house which was pitch black at night next to a tree under an otherwise open sky (meditating under the full moon is on my to do list for that bench!) but back then my mind would not silence for even a second long enough to perceive mental silence.
I have tried meditating under the influence, with results that lead me to avoid spiritual meditations when impaired. It clearly feels like I channel more energy than I'm supposed to during such instances. With one meditation once literally making me experience a 'presence' of the Infinite Creator in a way that effected me so deeply and profoundly I understood it as a type of 'experiencing God' literally. It's probably one of the most profound experiences I've ever had. But I hear people talk about how it effects the aura in such negative ways, and I understand that they aid me in channeling latently more energy than I soberly would be capable of doing due to my already altered conscious state of being impaired into a more open manner.
And I don't want to hurt my energy system more than I already have with my earlier movements of a fast and powerful polarization and raising of the kundalini.
I've attempted setting a set time to do so. I've downloaded apps to aid me, read up on it to get me psyched to take it up daily. I do not know why, but I have such little desire to meditate, I'm almost starting to think it's a form of catalyst I'm offering myself to overcome my own lack of perceived willpower to do...anything. Maybe... Maybe... Mm, no I don't know. O' life, how art thou so...Glistering in Catalyst.
It's not a problem of observing something, nor is it a problem of focusing. It feels to me like I'm just not doing something correctly. I don't know a proper manner to meditate perse, or even different manners of meditation to try and attempt. I don't know anything beyond Visualization, Balancing, Healing, and Clearing Meditations, of which I only know how to clear my mind and balance my chakras (which I lack a referent unconditionally loving feeling to invoke due to much issues with my relationship with my son now...). Some practice with visualization non-meditatively has yielded results but meditative visualization would be much more desired by me.
I'm a visual learner if you will. I'm also a massive emulator in a sense, if I see it occur, I will have a much easier time learning and attempting it. Monkey see monkey do in a spongy sense of if the monkey absorbed the entire experience of the other in a way that allowed him to bridge the experience to himself.
But when I'm trying things on my own without any guidance, I practically feel lost, I don't even know where to start or think, I don't know the options even available. Lost, would be the most emotionally, mentally, and intellectually proper word to use. I've never even seen another person meditate.
...Maybe I'm just making excuses to do nothing. I truly don't know sometimes. I would love to find a way that works for me that gets me to meditate if not even 10 minutes a day... My own lack of motivation is. Frustrating.