Sobriety and Ascension

[Spaced]

Hi Joy!

I viewed marijuana as such a positive and spiritual plant for such a long time that it took awhile for me to accept it was actually limiting my spiritual growth. I think it does have many beneficial qualities for certain people, especially those who can use it as prescribed medically or infrequently for recreation or a special occasion. I however very quickly become a daily user, instead of relying on my inner resources to heal and to progress. It feels as though it has only served to keep me stuck as it were... Living in a high fog. 

I can definitely relate to what you've posted here. After 10+ years of smoking marijuana on and off (Mostly on). I find that while I no longer feel that it has much to offer me and that it is in fact limiting my spiritual seeking (I find I can't remember my dreams or meditate effectively if I've been smoking) I still find myself buying and smoking it regularly out of habit.

I go through periods where I don't smoke and I feel clear and full of light and I get more involved in my spiritual practice, with daily meditation replacing my daily smoke, but it can be hard to transform a habit and I somehow always find my way back to marijuana.

I do recognize some of the factors that contribute to my dependency. There is the stimulation of dopamine production which gives one a sense of well-being and excitement and there is also the disassociative effects of the drug, which can offer an escape from ordinary consciousness. The problem with chasing that dopamine high is that as you smoke more you get diminishing returns until you are basically just smoking to meet your baseline mood level, and then when you stop your mood plummets and there is a very real period of withdrawal where you feel just miserable.

This points out a couple of personal imbalances I have yet to work on, namely a difficulty in producing feelings of joy and excitement on my own and a tendency towards avoidance as a coping mechanism for stress or disappointment. Sometimes I also just find it difficult to face my own light, to face the responsibility of being 'me' and so I use marijuana as an escape, a way of casting shadows over the sun.

This is a catalyst I find myself facing these days. While I know logically that I would likely be better off without it, I still really enjoy marijuana and have a hard time imagining a life where I never smoke it again.