Family

[Billy]

Why do you think you feel this way towards them?  What about them does not jive with you?

I have yet to fully discover the cause of these emotions, which is bothering me greatly.  I can't point to any clear examples of abuse towards me and it almost feels like I am the one with the problem, the blame is entirely on me and I am a bad person for it.  I can't talk to any of them about anything (the very thought of doing so I find repulsive and repugnant with there being vast aversion and resistance) even though they would be willing to hear me out and help me.  I have been given ample opportunity to express how I feel and ask for help ("are you okay?" is a regular question) yet such attempts annoy me and make me want to withdraw even further.  Why?  

I do believe though that as a child my family failed me massively and did not provide me with the love, acceptance, understanding, affection, warmth, wisdom, guidance, help, attention and direction I so sorely craved, nor did they even come close to doing so.  Can something like that cause such intense feelings of disconnect, aversion and hate even though things are relatively peaceful and good otherwise?  Some people have it so much worse, yet they don't feel like this.  It's almost like I wish they were outwardly abusive towards me and treated me with contempt, then my feelings would be legitimate and I wouldn't have to carry around such guilt.