Family

[Nía]

Hey,

Talking yesterday with family, I was shown that they are open to the idea that there may be something in my childhood which is causing my feelings, and they were rather nice about it, which just makes me doubt things even further.

Let me play the devil's advocate: What if they think/hope this would be the best way for them to get to know what you remember once you know? Or what if they knew you would doubt yourself even further if they didn't bluntly reject anything, as they knew you strongly suspect/feel/know there is something anyway?

Seriously, I absolutely don't want to talk you into something, if the reason is another (maybe someone else, and your parents looked the other way/didn't protect you), or nothing worse than what you have written happened to you (which, again, is bad enough), then it should still be possible to find out. Try to remember as much as you can of your childhood, I know I'm being redundant, and write it down chronologically, as much as possible. The more you write down, the more you will remember. Writing is immensely helpful, as it helps the brain to 'sort' things and create a consistent memory, which in turn helps finding possible 'black spots'.

If there was something in my childhood I feel that it would have come up by now, as I have been probing around for a few months, but to no real avail[.

Is this your heart/gut feeling talking, or your mind? If you really feel like this, then it will be so. But otherwise I have to disappoint you: It can take much longer than a few months for bad things to come up. After all, they are well hidden for a good reason (because you under the current circumstances couldn't live with them), so to be able to rise to consciousness, something about those circumstances has to change first. Maybe that your parents are around. Maybe someone else. Maybe you don't feel secure enough, maybe you don't have enough assistance (of friends etc.) to catch you if you stumble. I don't know what it is, but you could think about what it might be and try to improve the circumstances that bother you the most. Probing around on your own unfortunately isn't very effective, in this regard.

I feel that maybe I have mistakenly gotten this idea in my head and have been trying to pattern or mold my thoughts and feelings around it, thereby creating memories and thoughts which are false.

Again you write of feelings - are they really feelings, or thoughts? This will give you another clue in what direction to look. But let me assure you, it is very, very rare that someone makes up thoughts; feelings and emotions are reactions to something and not experiences in the first place, and it is almost impossible to create false memories. You might know there is a big debate going on about those in the US, started by a very potent group of perpetrators, but real false memories are so rare the idea is almost dismissible.

The fair point was raised that if I was neglected as a child I would have shown symptoms, which I apparently didn't as I still played with my brothers and sister, and was social (to some extent at least).

Is this what they say, that you were social and didn't show any symptoms, or what you remember? Still playing with siblings is no proof of anything, even children that have been abused to the worst extent do that, if allowed. Do you remember how you felt and acted at the time? Do you remember feeling 'normal', healthy, happy as a child? What about other symptoms, when did the depressions set in? And why, if you don't remember anything now (if...), wouldn't the same issues have been dissociated as a child already? If you couldn't live with it now, you most likely couldn't have lived with it as a totally dependent and helpless child as well. That's what dissociation is for: That the child can continue to live a rather 'normal' life, despite all what has happened/is happening to him....

I feel rather embarrassed and stupid now, as I am starting to think that maybe I have got this all wrong and that my emotions stem from elsewhere.

Don't (if it was that easy!). You're just trying to make sense of rather overwhelming emotions, and that's perfectly fine. If the stem from elsewhere, this 'elsewhere' must have been as bad to cause them. So whatever the source is, it's something serious.

I have been feeling quite sick over the last few days, I wonder if that means anything.

Hm, not suggesting anything, but again that's a very common trait once one comes too close (to the perpetrators liking) to something they shouldn't remember (it keeps things down for you try to avoid that feeling). But maybe it's just your fear of publicly (well) being unjust towards your parents or something like that? Do you remember when exactly you started to feel sick? You might want to try paying close attention to things like this, when they start, when they get better etc. And try to pay attention to emotions/feelings in general, especially if they don't seem 'normal' or natural at the time you experience them. What 'triggered' them? What makes them go away?
 

I will be seeing a psychologist soon, and hopefully with their assistance, I can gain come clarity on these issues.

That's very good to hear. Very much keeping fingers crossed and hoping that someone intentionally and sympathetically empathetically listening will help you see more clearly soon.

You don't have to reply anymore now, take your time, think about it and look inwards and watch your feelings and emotions. Your resistance right now (physically and psychologically) seem to suggest you will know more soon. But you can't force it, it just doesn't work like this.

All the best!

-`ღ´-