09-08-2015, 02:48 AM
(09-07-2015, 04:20 PM)Aion Wrote: You've mixed yourself here. You started off identifying it as yourself and then separated it again.
I am gonna ask the same question, is it possible for you to infringe upon your own free will?
You deal with it by owning it and seeing it's really your own thoughts and feelings. You are the one struggling with these beliefs, not some 'thought in itself'.
When we first started talking I had asked you what ended your period of bliss. You don't think maybe it has something to do with your completely contradictory thoughts? It's like you're wrestling with yourself and winning and losing at the same time.
If you want my honest opinion though and how I deal with such thought patterns. I accept it, embrace it, then let it be destroyed, I let it die.
Honestly, I am trying my best to make sense of it. It is still I, but different than I, as All Is One I am many but experience myself as not many so I am both many and not many. Its INCREDIBLY HARD maintaining proper context in such a situation Aion :/
You're not wrong, though bliss and despair are now side by side come n go. And I AM doing it to myself.
Because I want to understand. The point to evolution, polarity, illusion. Not how they work, how what they're doing, but why.
I can't correct what is not wrong Parsons. I do understand, and I think I do have an incorrect belief regards Free Will. I am literally putting myself through hell for my higher self to understand I don't like this place. Stop sending me here. Yet I am terrified once back these feelings will vanish or be assimilated as...a passing moment. And I'll be back, again.
I think all this illusion talk is me saying I Am Illusion. Which is backwards to you all, but to me I am. I am a being of consciousness who believes himself alone and separated. That is illusion I understand. Therefore: "I" AM. ILLUSION.
I'm not myself lately. I'll randomly be fine, feel Im doing this to learn, Then once back 'in it' (my distorted version of perception as 'reality') I'm very terrified, pained and scared. That its infinite, forever lasting constant horror.
But i have to say my book is getting some really.juice psychological horror out of these experiences. I wonder if Edgar Allen Poe felt these ways. His work; The Power of Words read like he channeled information.
I am resistant to reality. I prefer dreams. Fantasy. Illusion in the form of I created the illusion. I resist life. I do not like my current placement in reality. I'm nobody. Worthless. Useless. And that's okay I've been told. I've also been told I put myself here. That's okay too. Because I at tge deepest level of myself that I can feel, do not like it here. Maybe its my soul, maybe its I. Maybe its my consciousness. I don't know. But I do know that even in bliss, deep in Work in.Consciousness I was...'sad' even while in bliss. At everything around me . At thepeople who hurt themselves. At the places ddestroyed and ruined. At the beauty of destruction. Everything here makes me sad. Yet I continue on. Just want to love, so how do I love this...madness, horror? So I'm in hell, looking feeling being. Trying to understand, so that Humanly I may approach it, and be resolute that I know horror only through others, that I may love and forgive with resolution. I don't know if that's part of the madness though.
Gem: I feel it in my solar plexus as a solid heavy weight. Which makes sense...
But letting go. I did that. It just comes back. Let it go, came back more.
As the Nine Inch Nails song The Wretched put it so elegantly: You can try to stop it but it keeps on coming.
Letting it go. It just comes back to me.
Maybe...that's just my illusion...