The Reality of Murder Fantasies

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

I've thought on what you've said somewhat.  I actually hope you notice I made a reference of your advice in a post to Aion in another thread referring to my view of Service to All Polarity.  Because I think your advice is right.  It's not wrong to consider yourself too.  Not necessarily consider yourself over others, but rather to respect your limits and availability, just as you would theirs, exactly the same actually.

With the cat...  It's mostly the...Mental images of what it must have looked like from another's perspective looking, or even a closeup view, if not the cat's perspective itself.  It saw me, it stopped half way in the road, looked at me then started running towards the median and never once looked in my direction as it disappeared underneath me.  It's just haunting, very distraught, I took several minutes parked outside my work trying not to freak out in my car before freaking out thinking I had some zombie-tier grade level of guts trailed underneath my car.  Which I didn't, not even any blood, nothing.  My tires aren't even.  Yeah...  So in my mind, I imagine that all happening from the cat's view, right up to my car hitting it, and it's very gruesome to me.  The cold unemotional reality is I splattered an animal a fraction the size of my vehicle effortlessly like it was...Nothing.

It's just so horrible!  It's not nothing!  It shouldn't have died so...meaninglessly.  It was like a suicide.  To be used by another against your will.  Like a straight message regarding my feelings towards Free Will: To deal with it, I am out of control.

I had no chance, no time, by the time my foot pulled off the accelerator it was too late.  I didn't even put my foot back down I just froze up.

That's the...Sort of reality I feel like I'm in sometimes, Jade.  Feels like I'm out of control and less than nothing cares, like it's all a game and I'm, literally, just a board piece.  It's sometimes to the point I'd call Hellish like sometimes in my mind.  Like patiently being forced to await the next Surprise, will it be nice, will it be mean?  Find out next time on Dragonball Z!

Comedic relief.  But seriously sometimes it's ridiculous, it's not an anxiety attack, it's not extreme paranoia or fear, it's like someone looking at you with sinister amusement, it's closer to despair I guess.  Just putting all the pieces together within the apparently small reality my 'infinite' mind can fathom to make a barely logically plausible system of how reality actually mechanically operates from the metaphysical to physical levels from energy to matter, and realizing there are things missing, without answers, that create somewhat odd implications sometimes ranging from cute to horrific.  Cute is when you can see how another being treats another and immediately recognize the underlying tensions or issues that might exist.  Horrific is realizing logical fallacies exist in the information provided subsequently side by side in the provided explanations of that information that point to two potentials typically if not many more.

I do not believe personally that my Higher self is in anyway a monster or indifferent.  I really doubt I'll ever find myself in a reality of chaotic horror filled with death and extreme suffering (HIGHLY doubt it, but still worry), and I'm pretty sure all of my confusions will be healed and figured out when my incarnation finally ends, and I'm actually more than sure but positive, that 3D is not in anyway nearly as bad as the many ways I conceive it to be.

However, I see many do actually live in those realities of War and Hell, I see lots of things on a Worldly view, and while there is so much good that in a sense outnumbers the bad.  The bad sometimes seems so much more intense than the good even though there's less of it.  And I get that it's all experiences, not actually anything more beyond 'happenings' but it's real enough to me and I'm aware of it.  Others don't even fathom it.  What must a dark life look like to them?  Despair with a fear strong enough to keep them from death to continually despair, dragging the self deeper into horror from the outer to the inner universe causing further horror in the outer universe.  There are many who can't do it, who can't manage it.  I just don't understand, how did that happen?  I was told no one receives more than they can handle, the facts do not support that query upon consensus reality, it is essentially a lie then in my mind.

Meaning what else is a lie?  Now I just, leave it behind?

My problem is I want to explain this bad to others, and then be able to still bridge them to the other side, the one where that 'shalln't recieve more than can handle' distortion is upheld because free will wise no will is broken, the suicide is a lesson and choice as well to experience from, everything is okay in the end no matter what.

But there's, a lot of seriousness to traverse to create that bridge.  So I have to be serious, when I think about these things, then I need to approach that seriousness with openness and calmness, and attempt to be more positive and less nihilistic about it.
I do that simply because if I can simply explain these things to others who are suffering, maybe it can literally be the light-beacon to pull them up and get them to help themselves, a showing of the door through empathy in ways that are considered direct and helpful without being...Insulting.  Just a relating with.

I find it's very hard to do for many so I need to find a way to reach more than the few.  Understanding their pain even in small ways helps a bit.

I'm just hanging in there I guess, losing my mind along the way but I have been for a year now LOL
Thank you for the help, it's greatly appreciated and has been very useful for me so far