10-24-2015, 02:15 PM
I face myself enough every morning I wake up and look in my mirror. I'm not meant for physical combat, I'm long range, affinity to bows and such.
I actually accepted my anger, it's exactly why I reveal it in honesty here. And everything you said is basically correct, it's just as I have expressed.
I'm tired of these experiences. I do have an absence of desire to know them, and as you express. Is exactly why I have said.
Running is avoiding catalyst. I am avoiding it, I have enough of it in my mind at the moment, adding more to the top isn't exactly high on my priority list.
And yes, I do desire to protect more than run, the problem is to me murder is acceptable in cases of monsters as defined by the social construct globally, basically serial killers, rapists, pedo's, major drug dealers, bad pimps, and such who slander in my mind the decent nature of sacred existence. A distortion so severe it makes me angry, but it's a deep anger. Maybe genetic, territorial? I don't know, but it directly disobeys a nice rule I like to call, I don't kill people. Why? Dunno. I'll die first. Doesn't matter why or how, it's just feeling and I don't want to test it out. If that means I run from the gun robber right in front of my robbing someone else, possibly.
But if I'm not even noticed, I'd probably do something if I saw a chance of success. Life is, oddly...Despite it's sacredness, empty in meaning, death is essentially the same, so to make it in a chance to save would be better than nothing or worse running at all.
But I have stepped into some weird emotions lately Aion. Weakness specifically. I never saw myself as weak until recently, so I'm painted a bit differently. I don't doubt I can throw a good punch. I doubt I'll not pull back before the hit and soften the blow to basically nothing, no idea why, just a feeling. And that's game and match never being in a fight, taking a punch or three would probably knock me off my feet.
That's reality for me man, I don't know anything hah. So yes, fear too. Life is pretty kind to me in the sense that everything hasn't fallen apart yet. So lately it is just my mind driving me through pretty bad places. It's why I'm meditating again, trying to get back some control of my thoughts in a sense that is, directing them even into silence and back out of silence. I feel like I'm on a fine line between forcing and guiding my thoughts. I'm trying to guide them, accepting it all as it comes along.
It just gets rough for me, emotions and thoughts run very closely together for me. I need to balance everything out one by one but it piles up like a whirlwind blowing leaves against a house corner.
So, sometimes you get stuck on some things. In my case, I don't want to murder. If even to protect. Why? I'm done with this place and it's horror Aion. I will now proceed to turn around, and run the fluuuke awwaaayy!
Cause even though I think it's all an illusion! Pain in the moment is still experienced, and I don't like the idea of holding murder on my shoulders, I don't truly accept much beyond what Jade said to me the death I caused of a cat I ran over driving to work not too long ago. I don't think I could hold that even for a monster, demonic, dragon, or otherwise human, I don't want that.
I can't uh, emphasize that beyond, I desire a lack of death in my life. I desire a lack of suffering in my life. And uh, I desire a huuuuge absence of pain. I've seen what pain can do to people. It is as I said, not made for aversion, but destruction. It has no purpose occurring so vehemently in death past a point for a person, no reason for being limitless. It is just a tool of destruction, and I do not wish to partake in that. On either end of the scale. Receiving or otherwise.
That's my reasoning's, my 'defense' for being a nihilist but still running from illusions and dreams.
In dreams are nightmares too, I've had those like anyone else, I can run from them in front of me in real life just as much if real life were a dream.
On the flipside, internally, I'm already doing everything I don't want to. No idea why, it's like my brain got scrambled and I'm flipped to 'bad'. I'd call it mental illness, except I don't know what this is. It's like I just get these vivid understandings of other people's emotions, and sometimes they're so vulgar. It's just so disturbing at times that I want to, stop. And I can't. So I take all of that in, and it's really bad if it's a busy day at work. Just endless loops of similar feelings from everyone usually, and it's. I can only call it exhausting, sometimes to the point of pain, and it's not physical pain it's just, it literally starts hurting to think, or feel, and I can't stop feeling. So I tighten it all up under a mask and just try not to be dead honest with people like I am here, just like 'oh yeah I wish my store has a gun in it so I could at least defend myself.' because in reality I want to say that, but instead I just complain about how people rob and can be cruel.
So even on the inside I have to face myself every day, and just from my thread you should see where that got me.
There is no light with logic beyond it's ingenuity, the intelligence behind it is the light. I tried so hard to fix myself up with just plain sense to try and give my emotions a break, and it just never worked, and along the way I lost complete control of my thoughts and stopped meditating to mostly 1 day every month. It's like a whirlwind with how my mind operates, always on and it runs pretty efficiently like a vehicle engine. Always revving. So it gets intense, I want it to stop.
I'm avoiding catalyst because of those reasons.
I've thought about being a police officer. Never really into detail though as I don't even know if I need a degree of some kind or what. Never really wanted to look into it since the above reasons include me failing a psych exam without blatantly lying like a sociopath. Which I don't want to do. I just want to enjoy life, not suffer, please others and make them happy, and just live a simple loving life.
I don't imagine always wondering and hoping about when I'll die helps with any of that. So I avoid it. Just going to be the loner I am and stay to myself because I am different. I don't want to be a problem or a bother, or get on anyone's nerves or any of that, but I still want to matter and be heard and not ridiculed or insulted for how I think.
I feel out of place to the extreme too, so I run.
(I can reiterate this post a trillion and one ways...Okay maybe only a million and one ways. I've been trying to make sense of why! Why! Why! Why are desires not met? Why is it that progress is stopped? Why are things so confusing and irritating? I run away, I want to live in a small house in the middle of the woods living by myself and maybe a few others, just away from horror, away from confusion, away from manipulation, away from everything but a decent life.)
I like to think I'm very human, to the point I might, don't think I could ever distinguish a difference between being this, feeling so. Finite. Being told I'm, Infinite.
It hurts. So. I run.
Maybe I'm a nihilist because I no longer want to look at reality as possible, because it's, regretfully painful on a rainbowy vibrant scale of Ow!. Hoping it'll be a bad dream, that I fall asleep and finally wake up from. But it's not. And I know that. I know it's as real as a table you could throw at me (and painfully so). I know it's more real than real can feel at times. I know I can get so grounded in it that I feel poorly fused to reality, like I'm trying to just make sense of why everything is the way it is. Why society is as it is that isn't IRRUMNARTI! Because after a while, it begins to look so cruel and ignorant, so nonsensical with the pain and destruction involved, that nothing as simple as that could explain it. It gets worse and I see and hear so many who seem to be coming out of that madness, but I never see any in person. I am in a sense, isolated.
It's hard. But I can't handle people, that's somehow even harder. All because I can't stop understanding what they're feeling. It drives me mad.
Aion, do you think reality does maybe flicker between an individuated and totality state at some kind of impossibly fast to perceive frequency (in like, the friggen trillions thousands ranges) that might explain why 32 fps is the most fluid rate for the human brain to perceive? (as a side question.
)
I actually accepted my anger, it's exactly why I reveal it in honesty here. And everything you said is basically correct, it's just as I have expressed.
I'm tired of these experiences. I do have an absence of desire to know them, and as you express. Is exactly why I have said.
Running is avoiding catalyst. I am avoiding it, I have enough of it in my mind at the moment, adding more to the top isn't exactly high on my priority list.
And yes, I do desire to protect more than run, the problem is to me murder is acceptable in cases of monsters as defined by the social construct globally, basically serial killers, rapists, pedo's, major drug dealers, bad pimps, and such who slander in my mind the decent nature of sacred existence. A distortion so severe it makes me angry, but it's a deep anger. Maybe genetic, territorial? I don't know, but it directly disobeys a nice rule I like to call, I don't kill people. Why? Dunno. I'll die first. Doesn't matter why or how, it's just feeling and I don't want to test it out. If that means I run from the gun robber right in front of my robbing someone else, possibly.
But if I'm not even noticed, I'd probably do something if I saw a chance of success. Life is, oddly...Despite it's sacredness, empty in meaning, death is essentially the same, so to make it in a chance to save would be better than nothing or worse running at all.
But I have stepped into some weird emotions lately Aion. Weakness specifically. I never saw myself as weak until recently, so I'm painted a bit differently. I don't doubt I can throw a good punch. I doubt I'll not pull back before the hit and soften the blow to basically nothing, no idea why, just a feeling. And that's game and match never being in a fight, taking a punch or three would probably knock me off my feet.
That's reality for me man, I don't know anything hah. So yes, fear too. Life is pretty kind to me in the sense that everything hasn't fallen apart yet. So lately it is just my mind driving me through pretty bad places. It's why I'm meditating again, trying to get back some control of my thoughts in a sense that is, directing them even into silence and back out of silence. I feel like I'm on a fine line between forcing and guiding my thoughts. I'm trying to guide them, accepting it all as it comes along.
It just gets rough for me, emotions and thoughts run very closely together for me. I need to balance everything out one by one but it piles up like a whirlwind blowing leaves against a house corner.
So, sometimes you get stuck on some things. In my case, I don't want to murder. If even to protect. Why? I'm done with this place and it's horror Aion. I will now proceed to turn around, and run the fluuuke awwaaayy!
Cause even though I think it's all an illusion! Pain in the moment is still experienced, and I don't like the idea of holding murder on my shoulders, I don't truly accept much beyond what Jade said to me the death I caused of a cat I ran over driving to work not too long ago. I don't think I could hold that even for a monster, demonic, dragon, or otherwise human, I don't want that.
I can't uh, emphasize that beyond, I desire a lack of death in my life. I desire a lack of suffering in my life. And uh, I desire a huuuuge absence of pain. I've seen what pain can do to people. It is as I said, not made for aversion, but destruction. It has no purpose occurring so vehemently in death past a point for a person, no reason for being limitless. It is just a tool of destruction, and I do not wish to partake in that. On either end of the scale. Receiving or otherwise.
That's my reasoning's, my 'defense' for being a nihilist but still running from illusions and dreams.
In dreams are nightmares too, I've had those like anyone else, I can run from them in front of me in real life just as much if real life were a dream.
On the flipside, internally, I'm already doing everything I don't want to. No idea why, it's like my brain got scrambled and I'm flipped to 'bad'. I'd call it mental illness, except I don't know what this is. It's like I just get these vivid understandings of other people's emotions, and sometimes they're so vulgar. It's just so disturbing at times that I want to, stop. And I can't. So I take all of that in, and it's really bad if it's a busy day at work. Just endless loops of similar feelings from everyone usually, and it's. I can only call it exhausting, sometimes to the point of pain, and it's not physical pain it's just, it literally starts hurting to think, or feel, and I can't stop feeling. So I tighten it all up under a mask and just try not to be dead honest with people like I am here, just like 'oh yeah I wish my store has a gun in it so I could at least defend myself.' because in reality I want to say that, but instead I just complain about how people rob and can be cruel.
So even on the inside I have to face myself every day, and just from my thread you should see where that got me.
There is no light with logic beyond it's ingenuity, the intelligence behind it is the light. I tried so hard to fix myself up with just plain sense to try and give my emotions a break, and it just never worked, and along the way I lost complete control of my thoughts and stopped meditating to mostly 1 day every month. It's like a whirlwind with how my mind operates, always on and it runs pretty efficiently like a vehicle engine. Always revving. So it gets intense, I want it to stop.
I'm avoiding catalyst because of those reasons.
I've thought about being a police officer. Never really into detail though as I don't even know if I need a degree of some kind or what. Never really wanted to look into it since the above reasons include me failing a psych exam without blatantly lying like a sociopath. Which I don't want to do. I just want to enjoy life, not suffer, please others and make them happy, and just live a simple loving life.
I don't imagine always wondering and hoping about when I'll die helps with any of that. So I avoid it. Just going to be the loner I am and stay to myself because I am different. I don't want to be a problem or a bother, or get on anyone's nerves or any of that, but I still want to matter and be heard and not ridiculed or insulted for how I think.
I feel out of place to the extreme too, so I run.
(I can reiterate this post a trillion and one ways...Okay maybe only a million and one ways. I've been trying to make sense of why! Why! Why! Why are desires not met? Why is it that progress is stopped? Why are things so confusing and irritating? I run away, I want to live in a small house in the middle of the woods living by myself and maybe a few others, just away from horror, away from confusion, away from manipulation, away from everything but a decent life.)
I like to think I'm very human, to the point I might, don't think I could ever distinguish a difference between being this, feeling so. Finite. Being told I'm, Infinite.
It hurts. So. I run.
Maybe I'm a nihilist because I no longer want to look at reality as possible, because it's, regretfully painful on a rainbowy vibrant scale of Ow!. Hoping it'll be a bad dream, that I fall asleep and finally wake up from. But it's not. And I know that. I know it's as real as a table you could throw at me (and painfully so). I know it's more real than real can feel at times. I know I can get so grounded in it that I feel poorly fused to reality, like I'm trying to just make sense of why everything is the way it is. Why society is as it is that isn't IRRUMNARTI! Because after a while, it begins to look so cruel and ignorant, so nonsensical with the pain and destruction involved, that nothing as simple as that could explain it. It gets worse and I see and hear so many who seem to be coming out of that madness, but I never see any in person. I am in a sense, isolated.
It's hard. But I can't handle people, that's somehow even harder. All because I can't stop understanding what they're feeling. It drives me mad.
Aion, do you think reality does maybe flicker between an individuated and totality state at some kind of impossibly fast to perceive frequency (in like, the friggen trillions thousands ranges) that might explain why 32 fps is the most fluid rate for the human brain to perceive? (as a side question.
)