[split] "The dark attacks from the shadow ..."

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

I have no clue, Aion...  Backlash or not, I was the one backlashing.  Tired of being alone...  Got beyond mad about it.  My house still holds that energy I supernova'd out into the surrounding space.

May I say, weed made those...Furious states all the worst and intense.

Now.  Now I just don't know.  I.honestly don't want to.even touch Work in Consciousness until I've someone to sit with and journal and discuss the weekly workings with... ... ...eh...no.  That's a lie...even then...I don't want to even try again anymore at all...  I have come over and over to a resolute realization that I have, intrinsically, deeply as a part of myself, an inherent hatred of this place.  Of Catalyst.  Of Confusion and Free Will.

I can't deny I discovered an opposing Love of higher intensity.  But it wasn't lasting.  And even worse, it was very permanent. Forever changing me.  But underneath it all, there has always been...  I guess since 5, a silent emptiness, it used to be the empty feeling in the heart area.  Once it was filled back in 2014, I realized, (albeit without ANY judgment) that I was at my truest nature, as Counselor Troi from Star Trek TNG Episode 6, 'Where No One Has Gone Before' said about the 'Traveler', he was empty, as if he wasn't even there.

Emptiness...  Sadly my persona perspective changes that Emptiness.  Sometimes it is as if Dexter from the Showtime Series.  Sometimes it is as if The Traveler from Star Trek.  Sometimes it is painful, sometimes it is fulfilling...

But overall.  It is impossible to grasp and hold, the criterion for such being an intricate weaving through reality like an energetic needle sewing together realities...Its ridiculous.  I can't humanely perform to my own standards.  Love, 51% in all ways?  Daily...For the rest of my life?  Forgiving people like my cruel neighbor for no reason beyond, for myself?

I, myself, feel more shame forgiving someone who should be held responsible for their actions.

I'm tired of it all...  This Universe.  The ONLY confusion I see comes from the Divine.  Not Humanity.  Not JUST...I...sigh.

I shine, but now sometimes, I choose to let the horror out, show the universe itself.

I liken this place to an abusive boyfriend who loves you but makes you deliberately suffer and purposefully confuses you for your own good according to your own self, unaware that you were conditioned by him to think that in the first place.

I do not believe this is the actuality.  At all...I just...I cant stop seeing it...

Ever since my bestfriend got into his car accident last week...Its been like watching world's fall apart among people who have no room for any more bad to happen.

Its like watching a bully pick on your suicidal bestfriend, and you can't do anything about it to stop it.

Frustrated infuriation doesn't touch remotely the Malice that wells up deep down...

So tired...  better tired than any of that...

Jade.  I'm not much of a friend.  It's not outwardly I speak of with loneliness, its how I do it to myself.  Never getting back to people where I mean to but always forget, then suddenly its 3 frickin weeks later and I'm too ashamed to bother trying once I realize how I blew someone off or let someone become lonely.  Its like I push away periodically.  Because I want to be alone.  A lot.  A reaaal lot.

And the only way I don't want to be alone, is to find one person to be like glue with.  Not a bunch of empty relationships...
I was naturally all 5/5 of those things, effortlessly.  I miss it, for the sake of others, and myself...
I miss all of it.  And I'm too tired to be asked to go through that all, all again.

When the world decides to clean up its unrelenting painful attitude of teaching and hidden-in-plain-sight mannerism, I'll.gladly try again at work in.consciousness...

But thank you...I'll try to keep this all in mind.

But for the time being.  I'm so tired of the suffering.  I just want to sleep.