05-03-2016, 03:42 PM
Hello everyone, I hope you are all well today. I feel compelled to bring a problem that I have had to the table because I respect the wisdom that you all have worked for and honestly I could use some advice.
Without going into too much boring detail, my soul had decided to use betrayal as a catalyst for me. Virtually every person in my life that I have allowed to get close to me has betrayed my trust, besides my kids of course. My most recent catalyst being my husband stepping out on me after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids. I had no idea a person could hurt that bad. It was enough for me to question everything that everyone had ever told me, made me start questioning my faith which lead to my spiritual awakening.
Granted, I am so grateful of where I have come in my personal progression, I still have a very hard time dealing with people. I have the urge to run away from society often. If I didn't have my kids I would take my suicidal thoughts seriously, but I would never hurt them, so often I feel stuck and depressed. I am still married, but we struggle now. Before everything came out I felt like we had a perfect marriage, we fought maybe once a year and were inseparable. He was the love of my life and best friend, I was so crushed by what he did I lost enough of my body weight that my triple zero jeans had room, and lost a quarter of my hair. It's been about a year and a half now so I don't think about it much. I struggle with life, and feeling joy, however.
But my problem lies with trust and self love. I work at a job (family business) that my husband didn't want so I took it so that he would be happier taking care of the kids at home. He convinced me that he wanted to home-school our kids, but he plays video games all day long while I work, only to come home to a messy house and a family waiting for me to make dinner and entertain them. I don't think I would care as much but he cheated on me just 3 months after I took this job for him. I was a good stay at home mom and I worked really hard so that he didn't have to do anything when he got home, so it's hard for me to feel like I'm being respected and appreciated for what I do. I work in insurance, which I HATE. I am VERY introverted and so selling insurance is NOT my forte. He doesn't seem to care much about my feelings anymore, not only has he told me he has trouble feeling empathy for me, he looks at other women with me there which makes me feel very insecure, and he gets mad at me when I try to tell him how it makes me feel. I don't have anyone to open up to anymore so I have to bottle up my emotions and try to let them out in little bits when I am alone. Every time I have tried to talk to him about anything he gets mad at me for trying to 'make him perfect' or he will ignore me and it will erupt into a massive fight where we don't talk for days. I feel completely alone. I don't have close friends because my best friend quit talking to me after I opened up to her about what was going on, apparently she was afraid that since our husbands were friends it was contagious. I don't trust anyone, even my own parents have done things to me that should never have happened, repeatedly.
So what gives. I know I have a problem with trust, but will this be considered a blockage to me? I don't think my heart is blocked because I still feel massive amounts of empathy and compassion for people, I just don't want to get close to them. I know Ra had said we all have our own unique balance, but can I still be balanced and have trouble trusting? It doesn't seem fair to use this as a catalyst to awaken me if I need to work my way out of it too. I could really use some advice. I just want to be happy again. What am I missing? How do I get over this?
Without going into too much boring detail, my soul had decided to use betrayal as a catalyst for me. Virtually every person in my life that I have allowed to get close to me has betrayed my trust, besides my kids of course. My most recent catalyst being my husband stepping out on me after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids. I had no idea a person could hurt that bad. It was enough for me to question everything that everyone had ever told me, made me start questioning my faith which lead to my spiritual awakening.
Granted, I am so grateful of where I have come in my personal progression, I still have a very hard time dealing with people. I have the urge to run away from society often. If I didn't have my kids I would take my suicidal thoughts seriously, but I would never hurt them, so often I feel stuck and depressed. I am still married, but we struggle now. Before everything came out I felt like we had a perfect marriage, we fought maybe once a year and were inseparable. He was the love of my life and best friend, I was so crushed by what he did I lost enough of my body weight that my triple zero jeans had room, and lost a quarter of my hair. It's been about a year and a half now so I don't think about it much. I struggle with life, and feeling joy, however.
But my problem lies with trust and self love. I work at a job (family business) that my husband didn't want so I took it so that he would be happier taking care of the kids at home. He convinced me that he wanted to home-school our kids, but he plays video games all day long while I work, only to come home to a messy house and a family waiting for me to make dinner and entertain them. I don't think I would care as much but he cheated on me just 3 months after I took this job for him. I was a good stay at home mom and I worked really hard so that he didn't have to do anything when he got home, so it's hard for me to feel like I'm being respected and appreciated for what I do. I work in insurance, which I HATE. I am VERY introverted and so selling insurance is NOT my forte. He doesn't seem to care much about my feelings anymore, not only has he told me he has trouble feeling empathy for me, he looks at other women with me there which makes me feel very insecure, and he gets mad at me when I try to tell him how it makes me feel. I don't have anyone to open up to anymore so I have to bottle up my emotions and try to let them out in little bits when I am alone. Every time I have tried to talk to him about anything he gets mad at me for trying to 'make him perfect' or he will ignore me and it will erupt into a massive fight where we don't talk for days. I feel completely alone. I don't have close friends because my best friend quit talking to me after I opened up to her about what was going on, apparently she was afraid that since our husbands were friends it was contagious. I don't trust anyone, even my own parents have done things to me that should never have happened, repeatedly.
So what gives. I know I have a problem with trust, but will this be considered a blockage to me? I don't think my heart is blocked because I still feel massive amounts of empathy and compassion for people, I just don't want to get close to them. I know Ra had said we all have our own unique balance, but can I still be balanced and have trouble trusting? It doesn't seem fair to use this as a catalyst to awaken me if I need to work my way out of it too. I could really use some advice. I just want to be happy again. What am I missing? How do I get over this?