Greetings loved ones

[Meerie]

I am only here for a couple days and already the forum helps me gain so much insight. It is amazing.
You know, after reading ffg's reply yesterday my initial reaction was "no. why should I do all these things?" Then suddenly I got angry.
Why? Interesting. I mean she was helpful, she took all this time to post these suggestions, that probably have helped herself in her journey to find her husband, and so I should be grateful. Why angry?
THe anger triggered old feelings of not being worthy. If I am not in a relationship then I am not worthy. I have to do all these things and work on my self to be worthy.
If I am constantly dating a..holes, that means I have to be an a..hole myself, right? Law of attraction.
But wait... what if there is another reason behind all this? What if in reality I do not want to be with anyone at all, and am not consciously aware of this and there fore subconsciously choose guys with whom relationships are bound to fail?
I followed that line and repeated the sentence "let go of all expectations of finding the soulmate person". It actually felt good.
I listened to Mahlers "Ressurrection symphony" (haha, symbolic) and had tears in my eyes.
Just because everyone else is gettin married and having kids, does not mean I have to, right?
I was reminded of more clues that seem to fit the picture. Spending whole weekends alone by myself and not missing anything / anyone.
Separating from my last boyfriend and experiencing such a boost of energy and joy in the aftermath that I asked myself "why didn't I leave him much earlier?"
Returning from babysitting my nephew and niece, whom I dearly love and opening the door at home " ah, finally quiet! I am alone again!"
I get the feeling that I need to be alone. THis seems to be some kind of thought-form or maybe convention imposed on me, that I need to be in a relationship. Because if not everyone will think I am wierd. But even if they do, so what?
I am a man and a woman. I am a complete entity in myself. I have both the Mars and the Venus qualities in my birthchart.
REmember that song "way to Mars"? At the time I thought it was me on my way to Mars, to finding him. Outside myself.
Wrong. In the aftermath I started living all the Martian qualities myself, agressiveness, self-assertiveness etc. I am not saying it is good to be aggressive, it is just something I had to experience.
All this time I was searching in the outside for something inside me..
I am alone. Alone = ALL ONE.
Thank you all so much. I love you all.