i make music that describes the catalyst im experiencing

[sjel]

What happens is that I make a piece of music that embodies the catalyst I'm about to go through. Sometimes I really nail it, and the song is literally one with the catalyst - meaning that I hate/resist the song as much as I hate/resist that part of myself. And the music plays in my head whenever the catalyst is introducing itself in my life, it's a recurring theme for some number of days, occasionally weeks.

Here's the catalyst I am dealing with right now: https://soundcloud.com/sjel-1/kethel
I think that it represents a recurring distortion toward unworthiness

I have noticed the pattern - right after I make the music, I love it. I love my creation. Then the music becomes more than a creation, I realized I subconsciously manifested a distortion in myself that I need to deal with. Then comes the period of resistance. In the past, this period has ranged from extremely intense to mild. This resistance correlates with how much I despise the track. For the piece I just posted, I'm still at the part of the pattern where I'm attempting to accept the catalyst. At this stage, this track will play in my head as a soundtrack accompanying the distorted thoughts. This is a convenient way to know when I'm caught in a negative thought pattern - the music will play alongside the thought loop.

I find myself hating the song more and more until I finally start to understand and accept it. This is the exact moment that I have also begun to understand and accept the "negative" aspect of my personality.

they're not all negative catalyst. here's one that marked a time of transition, I think I may have been crossing a subdensity boundary when I made this: https://soundcloud.com/sjel-1/renbo