I don't think there is anything anyone here can say which will help you. It appears to me you suffer from some intense cognitive dissonance and it is likely beyond the powers of any individual here to aid that directly.
There are any number of things I could suggest but it seems that at the root of it you are tormented by your desires and the 'taboo' they are met with in society, in which case it seems you wish to transcend any limitation of social need. Drugs, extreme asceticism, traumatic ritual practices, I think these all emerge from a desire to 'be free' in some fashion, to be able to realize one's desires without limitation. To be sure it is a lofty goal and ideal, but is rather difficult to work out in reality.
By what you have said here it seems you don't have much regard for other life forms insofar as they are not interfering and so while you profess a desire for all to have freedom, there is some fine print there saying 'as long as they are strong enough' in which case your intentions turn back to yourself. That being said, I can commend that you do not wish for anyone to suffer, but that seems contradictory to your own professed actions and desires/interests (hence the cognitive dissonance).
May I ask, do you feel powerless at times? If so, the desire to see a 'stronger' world may be a reflection of that need or desire to feel more power or control over your own freedom. The question though is whether it is really just about other people?
You professed to have been on drugs and stabbed someone because they made fun of you and claim you really have no need for people. Yet, you come here asking for help reaching intelligent infinity and act as though the fact that you would 'hand it out like candy' somehow makes your intentions benevolent.
To be frank, why should anyone help you if you have no concern for anyone else? If you ask me, this is why the universe seems to 'conspire' to keep you from touching intelligent energy directly. You can certainly attempt to go about it the hard way, fighting, kicking and screaming and you might, just might make it through without losing your mind, but I will also happily inform you that there is likely a much easier way, but you would probably never want to hear that suggestion because it means taking control over the one thing you most wish to be free - yourself. Blessings, mate.
There are any number of things I could suggest but it seems that at the root of it you are tormented by your desires and the 'taboo' they are met with in society, in which case it seems you wish to transcend any limitation of social need. Drugs, extreme asceticism, traumatic ritual practices, I think these all emerge from a desire to 'be free' in some fashion, to be able to realize one's desires without limitation. To be sure it is a lofty goal and ideal, but is rather difficult to work out in reality.
By what you have said here it seems you don't have much regard for other life forms insofar as they are not interfering and so while you profess a desire for all to have freedom, there is some fine print there saying 'as long as they are strong enough' in which case your intentions turn back to yourself. That being said, I can commend that you do not wish for anyone to suffer, but that seems contradictory to your own professed actions and desires/interests (hence the cognitive dissonance).
May I ask, do you feel powerless at times? If so, the desire to see a 'stronger' world may be a reflection of that need or desire to feel more power or control over your own freedom. The question though is whether it is really just about other people?
You professed to have been on drugs and stabbed someone because they made fun of you and claim you really have no need for people. Yet, you come here asking for help reaching intelligent infinity and act as though the fact that you would 'hand it out like candy' somehow makes your intentions benevolent.
To be frank, why should anyone help you if you have no concern for anyone else? If you ask me, this is why the universe seems to 'conspire' to keep you from touching intelligent energy directly. You can certainly attempt to go about it the hard way, fighting, kicking and screaming and you might, just might make it through without losing your mind, but I will also happily inform you that there is likely a much easier way, but you would probably never want to hear that suggestion because it means taking control over the one thing you most wish to be free - yourself. Blessings, mate.
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