my mental illness and medication are ruining my life

[Minyatur]

Thanks everyone. Thanks for the video IndigoGeminiWolf, I liked it.
I feel a lot better and back to normal grounding now. It's hard to meditate, it can be a bad experience for me sometimes. My monkey mind feels under attack (There is a voice in my head telling me that I will shoot myself. That's its only message)  I do want to quit drugs, and get back out of this but I'm on a train and jumping out isn't a means of survival. I could do worse off drugs, I could do better. I could do worse on drugs, I could do better. I've been down a fragile path, and I don't know where anything is going, I feel like a loser. I feel like the end is always near and I'm going to be far away from this any second now... I want to live long and be wise but nothing is ok in my head. Doctors only can prescribe questionable chemical complexes and listen, and they by law can't tell me about themselves or their life experiences so they legally can't even help me on things I say.

I'm not so sure this is what you wanna hear but do offer as I think it is both helpful and important.

It is important to monitor your thoughts, the subconscious mind works in a way that it impregnates what you entertain. So let's say a situation has a postive and nevative manner to interpret the event, if you go a few times for negative, it then create this pattern of interpretation of the situation which will "invoke" a way to feel about the event. Once that's done, you gotta resist the pattern (or more like let go), disidentify with it and make it into something that you are not in your perception of it, set within yourself the correct and more truthful to yourself way to interpret and feel about the event. (time before sleep is really a double-edged sword about this, being somewhat still in the dark allows to mind to go to it's root where it's easier to work the subconscious)

That's basicly standard medition, but that is very very important. You are the center of your unwellness and to move to a different configuration you need to let go of the facets that identifies with this unwellness. You need to see that it is not you and that you are defined by these bounds and shackles.

I know this is very hard but I know so long as you make 2 steps in the right direction for every step in the wrong direction, you will get better. All I can try to offer is tips and perspectives that might help you maximize steps in the direction of healing along your path.

This is hard and a good step would be to stop blamming yourself, and if you can't well forgive that you can't, and if you can't forgive that then forgive that you couldn't forgive.. Instill the positive perspective where you can and allow it to grow evermore.

Your state was born of love and will resolve itself with love. Walk forth being of love and light.