Wandering upon the affective terrain

[rva_jeremy]

What I struggle with more then feeling an emotion is trying to disentangle it.  That is where the most resistance is for me.  It feels impossible often.  The obvious question of 'why am I feeling like this?' often has me shutting up shop and then distracting myself with whatever (eg. movie, music, eating).  It is the classic reaction of being afraid of what I will find if I probe too deep.  I can feel the resistance as I type.  I think just acknowledging the emotion, trying to feel it as much as I can, and even having a vague sense as to why I feel that way is good practice for someone as emotionally constipated as myself.  I do wonder how necessary analysis is when it comes to understanding the roots of ones emotions or if by simply allowing them to be and experiencing them as fully as you can, you will yield insights without needing to question.  Feel the feels.  

Dude, there is so much you've described in your entire post that seems part and parcel with my experience.  Especially the tightening around the heart.

Emotions are designed to overwhelm.  They happen to us--this is something I really had to come around to.  How does Steven Tyman put it in A Fool's Phenomenology?  Oh yes:

Affect is a subtle thing, is it not? It is upon me before I am aware of it, and it flees in the face of every attempt to capture to preserve it.  It would seem, then , to be a vagabond, feckless as an April afternoon, elusive as a wanton virgin.

And another quote that deals with balancing that I think is apt to your--our--situation:

One who has gazed full into the abyss of self will face the inevitable recoil of disgust and experience at once the draw of mystery. A balance is struck.  This balance is the measure of the intensity of the seeking. But there is generally little point in focusing directly upon the question of this intensity. Yes, let it be admitted that there are ways of augmenting this intensity, and that there are good occasions for so doing. But one is not well advised to go faster than can be reliably sustained. Emotional balancing is delicate work. To outrun the often slow process of healing is to invite disaster. Men in white coats will take one away if one is not careful.

 
My emphasis.  The takeaway for me is to have patience for one's own unique journey.  These things within us got wound up over time.  It will take time to pull each thread separate.  And don't go further than you can handle.

There is this idea that intelligence contributes to the efficiency of figuring things out.  Smarter people solve problems faster.  I would argue that we have to dispense with such reasoning when it is emotions which are at issue.  Go easy on yourself.  Recognize how much you are suffering, that feeling these things will take a toll on you.  It is ok to want to have a say in how these feelings get unwound.  You won't always be successful because "it is upon you before [you] are aware of it".  But if you can have compassion for yourself and, as Carla used to say, fall in love with yourself in the same way you fall in love with other flawed people, this becomes something rather worth doing in my experience, instead of a chore we torture ourselves with.

Actually, here's a Q'uo excerpt that made a world of difference for me.  It is one of my favorite Q'uo passages of all time.

We would say to the questioner that it is well to come into a relationship with the self in which there is no fear, no tension, no judgment, and no tendency towards discouragement. The days of an incarnation are very limited and it is well to win freedom from the judgment towards the self that compromises that relationship of self to self. This instrument has often described the desired result of such work as falling in love with the self. When you are in love with someone, they can do no wrong. They might make an error, but it is a small thing. The essence of that person is so appreciated and seen in such a strong and clear light that there are simply ways to love that entity based on their imperfections as well as their perfections.

It is easier for the thoughtful and sensitive seeker to love another with that kind of romantic glow than it is to love the self with that same aura of deep appreciation and respect and yet, dear one, you deserve it. You have earned it over and over. You are worthy.

You might make an error, Billy, but, it is a small thing. I never understood this quote until I actually recognized what it meant to fall in love with somebody else. Now I'm starting to get it. This is the quality of love that is needed to guide you on this journey, in my opinion.