How do I heal this. I lost balance but I feel balanced

[Glow]

Thanks for the help and feedback guys.

I am truely still learning from this situation and like Diana said I might I have actually reached the point I am greatful for the experience.

I thought I was free before this happened. Meaning I thought I no longer was invested in what happened to this relationship I mean he was out of my life for 20 years so how much could I have been invested at that point. Turns out I guess I still had that child in there that wanted her dad. (Good catch A.D.C)

This evening made me step up as the protector of that child.(good catch BlatzAdict)

It has left me processing so much and pushed me further in my growth.
It's why I haven't been posting. I'm processing so much it's almost in an unconscious level running nonstop as I go through the day but it's been a great shift.

So I will update you and B.A. and A.D.C. Your reply was basically where I went so I am just going to share my email to my father as my reply. You nailed it though.


*******

So the update. I didn't hear from anyone for a few days. I just resigned myself to him likely being done with me again. That made me sad like the child and I morned it a bit. Till a few years ago I had quite the inner monologue telling me I was garbage so I felt that again. Discarded, forgotten, disposable. I didn't wallow but yuck I felt how the wounds felt. I had loved him like no one else as a kid. Despite him leaving me behind as a kid he was the only one that made me feel loved, when he was there so it was a loss.

Then 2-3 days later an email popped up on my phone while I was working and I was so scared to answer I had to push it away for a few hours then just called it a day and read the email because I couldn't fully consentrate and my work can go very very bad quickly if I'm not "there fully".

It was a short email "wishing for me to find inner peace" as if he has a clue and basically telling me to get on with my life. The kiss off. He likely just would find that easier and that's ok.

I emailed back saying well I will just let you read it.

"I appreciate your honesty. I'm confused how to proceed.

I actually am quite happy in life and didn't expect to have to leave so abruptly it was not anger or jealousy or any conscious emotion that made me flee or I would have been able to manage it.

It was a very physical reaction, to re-experiencing loss. Fight or flight as the expression goes since their was nothing to fight except a memory I fled.

I don't honestly see any benefit to exposing myself to that again. They aren't my family, they are yours. I'm sure great people but your people. I'm sure you guys can enjoy your future gatherings perfectly without me.

Part of what led up to your issue with me as a teenager was that we all three kids felt very uncomfortable at those large gatherings of (Surname of new wife) and that was the only way we could see you. We could have done better with some independent time with you.
Actually (sisters name) told me that's why she didn't come Sunday to your birthday.

Perhaps in the future when you and I have gotten to rebuild our own bond I wouldn't be so bothered by a (wife surname) gathering but for now if you still wish to pursue some sort of relationship I'd like to do it independently of a gathering of family I am not part of.

If that seems unreasonable or unpalatable to you I understand. Please don't respond tonight or tomorrow I have to run a business and it's incredibly hard to focus when I'm teetering on the edge not wanting to read an email out of fear of what it will say.

I'm off for appointments Thursday so could handle it then. Or take time and think so you are sure how you feel.

I did enjoy spending the evening right up till the end. Please thank A for her hospitality and I tried apologizing that evening but I'm sure no one believed I was sincere. I hold no I'll will it was a great evening but I had a very unexpected reaction.

Love you, all the best"

With that letter I put up a boundry and my little inner child finally had someone protecting her. It sounds so kooky to say but I feel safe and free now because I gave him my terms and he can reject the terms or not but I'm safe.

The next day when he was told not to reply I got a message that was just 8 smile faces in the subject line signed Dad. Building something outside his wife's control will be a big decision. The first two times I saw him after 20 years he had to phone her after 15 minutes to wake her up(breakfast) and we were only out 45 minutes she is controlling but it's always been his decision to let her control him. I'm not holding my breath or worried I just feel better. What ever will be, will be kind of vibe.

He's been away likely is processing, has sent me a few pictures not much text but I noticed the pictures are sent only to myself, my sister and his two sisters not wife's family so they are getting a separate email. That extreme separation isn't necessary but the effort is appreciated.

Either way I'm not worried. I've got my own back now. He can't throw me away again because I've made my terms clear. He can decline my terms and that is totally acceptable and forgivable, perhaps even ... totally fine with me.

Anyways thought you might enjoy the conclusion of the drama, and I greatly appreciate all your love, empathy, kindness, insight, guidance, friendship, support.... I could just keep going. You people here are miracles each and every one of you.
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