Help? - SRA, negative entities, intelligent infinity, advanced entities

[Glow]

stuff

My "desires" are usually only desires because they're taboo... I generally take care to be engaging in anti-social activities at any given time, and not because I necessarily truly desire my "desires". I don't care what anybody else thinks, and the more that my behavior disgusts them, the more it offends the order of this universe, the better, because the more it distances me from this place.

If I had my real desire, which is to fuse myself with intelligent infinity, I wouldn't have or require the same desires anymore. I feel like even when I desire to do extreme things, like rape or mass murder, it's more out of a feeling of duty that I should rebel against this place. As well as petty revenge against this universe.

So, you (and most people, I think) misunderstand my intentions entirely. When I do certain things, or seem attracted to certain behaviors, it's because I desire to be abominable, totally repulsive to the fabric of this reality. Anything that is considered "negative" by society is something that I naturally latch on to, to the point where negative entities don't like me because, deep down, I'm so utterly without, and against, order.

Because I fucking HATE it here.

If I had my way, I'd probably become something else entirely...

"Stronger world"? I never said that. I don't care what happens to this world. Or its people. I just want to leave this place.

No, maybe I don't have much regard for other people. I did, but then I realized what this world was like, and that it was more efficient to be evil.

I don't think there is a higher benevolence than allowing everyone to reach limitlessness, is there?

How is it so difficult to work out? It's definitely possible. If magick is just taking control of the auric field to the point where you can cause it to encompass other things, and there are adepts who can transmute their bodies entirely or even modify their internal organs to feed on light... then, why not?

You mean, others taking control of it, or me taking control of myself? The latter is all I want, you know. And, sure, I'll fight and kick and scream to achieve it, if it's my only option.

Whether you are ultimately positive or negative underneath, you will be happier and more successful in life by understanding\embracing\accepting yourself as you are, rather than fighting to be something you are not. And if that understanding causes you to decide you desire change in yourself, that change is ONLY possible if you have real understanding of yourself to begin with.

You might be right... but I try so hard to be a positive person. Maybe it doesn't seem like much, but it keeps a monster at bay. Should I let the monster out?

I know the answer I'll get to a question like that on a forum like this. But... maybe something Down There would give me the assistance that I lack up here, and I'd be a lot more content that way, while I'm forced to be here...

I understand this perspective. I would love to be one with the waves, the birds the sun but not a true egoic part of this reality. I chose to come here though. I am not trapped except for my own want to be here when not actually incarnated.

I've asked them(higherselves) and they don't feel this experience as intensely as we do here. It must be tempered with all the other experiences. I've told them I won't come back. I can even leave early, I'm free but we all know I will stay... and will eventually wander back.

I'd say a lot of that is the same for you too except you are more of a fighter, fighting it harder and you regect this place/reality/illusion even more fully. I could have ended up in the same place but I took a few different turns.

Having read that I'm not sure anything but time, and yourself and self care will do much. Please do try to nurture yourself though. What should one do for a child you. Feed, protect, fuel with good things and experiences. If you cannot do it for yourself perhaps you could do it for me, as I'm you and I do not wish to suffer as you are.
Only you can fix this but we here will be around any time you need.