Suicide

[Glow]

My partner assures me everything is fine...I think I might be really jealous of other guys who are talented. I don't mean anyone...just the ones she finds talented :/
I feel like she finds them more interesting than me and that I'm just a bag of catalysis for her to evolve through. I think I sabotage alot of things in my life by expecting something that's the opposite of what's really going on and then manifesting it by acting like it's already happened.
That's what my partner says I do and I think she's right.
I think there's a part of me that enjoys that feeling of misery and despair.
Well it's more like a part that I think is me that likes the feeling of self pity and separation.
I think it's more that there's a thought being beamed to me that generates a certain emotional charge.
Is it possible that I'm addicted to the feeling of self loathing?

You think it's what you deserve. You are stuck, you are agreeing with who ever taught you to feel that. If you can pick apart your catylist little by little. I bet you can find the patterns and parallels. Finding the source and patterns and parallels finally helped me see the truth that set me free.

I've been working at it for 36 years and I'm sure more are coming but the main one I just figured out today.
When it's time to be solved it will be, keep trying. You DONT want to face this again.
We really are hard task masters and we will come back to get it right. Just like you punish yourself now big you will be like " for god sakes we made it that far, only a bit longer now we have to start over" lessons aren't going to learn themselves.

(BIG HUG) you aren't alone,