Suicide

[Glow]

You think it's what you deserve. You are stuck, you are agreeing with who ever taught you to feel that. If you can pick apart your catylist little by little. I bet you can find the patterns and parallels. Finding the source and patterns and parallels finally helped me see the truth that set me free.

I've been working at it for 36 years and I'm sure more are coming but the main one I just figured out today.
When it's time to be solved it will be, keep trying. You DONT want to face this again.
We really are hard task masters and we will come back to get it right. Just like you punish yourself now big you will be like " for god sakes we made it that far, only a bit longer now we have to start over" lessons aren't going to learn themselves.

(BIG HUG) you aren't alone,

I'm 36 aswell (37 in march).
It seems we chose similar experiences.

I know I'll have to repeat stuff if I leave of my own accord.
It's one of the biggest reasons I don't do it.
The biggest is because I don't want to leave my son without his father. He'd grow up wondering why I didn't love him enough to stick around. I feel like everyone would probably think that to some degree n I don't want them to think there was something wrong with them to make me want to leave.

First I just turned 40 2 weeks ago, my big wound started at 4, can't mislead about my age. but close and yeah I think some of us really crammed it in to get as much out of it as we can. A bit cocky up there.

I think that's pretty awesome you are roughing it out for your son.
The one I spoke of it's the same for him. I will tell you what I tell him.

If you can't love yourself enough to find the answer to what torments you try to do it for him. If you can learn to heal yourself you can teach him to do the same. That's an even bigger blessing than if you'd never had the wound to begin with.

Obliviously happy people don't learn to heal themselves, as a result they cannot help anyone else heal either. You broke hard. It may take you many years to solve all your wounds but day by day, as you go, you can't teach him the wisdom you learn along the way. The life you save may be his, or his sons.

You taking all this on, slowly learning to over come it, even one breath at a time has the potential to change life in the future for whomever crosses your path. Friend, family, even people in shops. Head up, you've got this, one step at a time, no rush.
It happens as it's meant to.